“Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” Directed by David Yates

J.K. Rowling has written the screenplay and while it has some issues it is a solid movie. The base story focuses on Newt Scamander (played by Eddie god I have no idea why, but I just hate you so much Redmayne) a wizard with a fascination for creatures that everyone else would call strange and dangerous. Some of those creatures get loose and he teams up with an American Auror, her sister, a Muggle to catch them. Intertwinded with all this is a dark sub plot about people who demand another Salem Witch hunt (Little did they know there was another one 30 or 40 years later) and politics of the Congress of Magic (American version of the Ministry). The effects for the creatures look great and they all have unique and cool designs. However this is a general gripe I have with a lot of movies, but they could have used SOME practical effects instead of just CG. I have some story issues with stuff that could have been cut or the twist I have an issue with, but considering they’re milking this for about 5 movies I won’t complain yet. I liked it and if you liked Harry Potter I highly recommend it. Final Verdict: 7/10 Wands

“Don’t Breathe” Directed by Fede Alvarez

Is all the praise worth it? YEAH! This is one of the bleakest, darkest, and most terrifying movies I’ve seen in a long time! I didn’t see the trailer. I went in totally blind *rim shot*. I just thought it was about the people breaking into the house and then they get harassed by a ghost or something. NO! Its a movie that furthers my point that the most terrifying thing in any horror movie is how horrible people are. Do not think the Blind Man is innocent of all wrong doings. There is never a lax moment in this movie. You are always as scared as our characters are. The cinematography and lighting are incredible in this movie. I was honestly surprised when I saw that Fede Alvarez only directed one movie. Evil Dead remake (Which I reviewed back when I didn’t have a blog and remembered hating). He really knows how to use the natural light and the monochrome darkness in the basement is one of the most chilling pieces of cinema…until a few scenes later. That scene is when there IS no sound whatso ever. Its a terrifying minute of film that made me await the jumpsacre. And there wasn’t. There are next to no jumpscares in the movie. The only time I can remember is near the beginning and it’s to set up how savage that dog is! My only complaint is that they didn’t kill the fucking dog! That thing is a monster that almost killed them several times and only hindered them. EXTREMELY. Hell the girl (Rocky) should have broken her neck in the air vent scene. I’m shocked she managed to keep walking! Come to think of it. People are almost indestructible in this movie. The only thing that can kill them are guns I guess. All in all. See this movie if you want a good scare. Final Verdict 10 Blind Eyes out of 10

“Finding Dory” Directed by Andrew Stanton & Angus MacLane

I’ll be honest. I find Dory kind of annoying. I find her short term memory as a joke gets old really fast and whenever Marlon got frustrated with her, I was on his side. However almost everything else is the movie is very funny. The other animals are funny, Marlon being a bit of a snarker is funny, and I find some of the situations to be funny. The new main characters are funny, the side characters are funny, and the characters that have no lines are still funny! I just find Dory annoying when she has to be funny. When she has to be emotional it works and when she’s having her flashbacks she’s precious. Originally all of Dory’s family was gonna have short term memory. Quote Stanton –
“She has this line in the first movie, she says, ‘I suffer from short-term memory loss. It runs in my family. At least, I think it does.’ And I spent the first year and half, maybe two, with my writer, Victoria Strouse, trying to make parents with short-term memory loss work – and I don’t recommend it, because it’s annoying to have three people with short-term memory loss try to talk to each other. It’s not funny for that long. It’s annoying very quickly. It was a problem, and so we abandoned that.”
Other than my complaints about Dory, I think its a very funny movie and has a lot of redeeming features. The Sea Lions are the highlight in my opinion.
Final Verdict: 7/10 Seashells

“Captain America: Civil War” Directed by Joe & Antony Russo

Yet another amazing Marvel movie. I keep saying I’ll forgive their next movie if it’s bad and it’s never bad! So after some civilian casualties during one of their missions the UN wants to put a leash on the Avengers. Tony/Iron Man is all for this, but Steve/Captain America is against this. During the UN meeting a bomb is set off and the King of Wakanda is killed. Captain’s friend Bucky is the main suspect and that sets off to betray the governments of the UN and the Avengers to save this one guy. So this movie brings in the oldies from the other movies, but also brings in some new guys. New characters include the new Spider Man, the first appearance of Black Panther, and Ant Man (despite being in his own film hasn’t been in the Avengers). The movie has a good mix of action, comedy, and talking. The first action scene and the fight against the SWAT team in the apartment were nauseating due to the shaking cam and the very rapid cuts, but every other fight was very well done, especially the fight between all the heroes. The weakest part of the movie was the villain and Captain America’s personal heroism was frustrating. It was better than Age of Ultron, but its still not my favorite.
Final Verdict 8/10 Action Scenes.

403 – City Limits

city limits
Since it’s a FVI filmwe have fake credits. So what now? Footage from Taxi Driver? Footage from Sidehackers? Random footage that isn’t from anything? NO! Just a blank card that says City Limits. Picturesque filmmaking. Also Jame Earl Jones & Kim Cattrall are in it! NICE! The film takes place 15 years in the future. So 2000? So in the future time has no meaning since a shot is day for night at first, but then its pitch black outside. The future has bikers clad in typical strange garb you see in apocalypse movies. Leather, random bits of cloth, some animal hide, and more leather. So our characters bring a wounded guy to James Earl Jones’s home and he starts narrating.
city limits 1 & 3
Adults killed by a plague and kids dying from neglect. So now we see a guy wearing a bone mask meeting some girl. Also this has FVI freeze frames for credits. They mess with some color and paste the name on the bottom. So the two get into a giant metal bathtub together. Joel decides to be a buzz kill and opens his umbrella to censor them. So bone mast guy leaves to become a biker and we find the title sign. So our hero (named Weyland I think) is looking for a gang of surviving humans called the Clippers. Then a truck almost hits him. Maybe it’s the messed up New York feel to it, the bikers, and talk of gangs, but this is REALLY reminding me of Warriors and Streets of Fire. Now we meet the beauty that is Kim Cattrall. Granted she’s not as beautiful as she was in Big Trouble Little China, but still. Kim is Kim. So after some people in a base tell him to get off his bike he rides off and finds some biker thugs. We see some more people who look stupidly dressed as they chase him. Some guy named Burt locks up his bike and the entire gang begins to ride past him. He immediately becomes friends with them and one guy declares him as Superman. He declares his interest to join them, but they tell him they don’t need anyone. So we see the Clipper’s home base where they keep all their motorcycles. Weyland chats with one of the members and they are held up. Burt claims he killed some guy named Bob, but our hero manages to beat them up and escapes. Him and the girl hide from the Clippers and she laughs at the fact that he’s bleeding. The two ride off and we cut back to the Clippers. They start talking about clothes and how one of them eats cat food. Really in the apocalypse it shouldn’t matter. Weyland gets brought back and they discuss the rules. Don’t cross boarders, no guns, and no murder. The leader says he should just give him up. So they talk about comics and how they’ll have a trail by combat regarding his fate. So the villain of the movie talks with the man from before regarding the trial. So they go drive up to a former museum where they conduct the trial. Also Kim! There’s talk of a corporation working for the government. There’s talk off lights, medicine, and food. Now it feels like it’s a rip off of Beyond Thunderdome. So the fight is conducted via joust. Shock of all shocks, the Clippers win. Cut over the villain’s warehouse base. Kim is chatting with two guys and one of them is called like “Chopper” or something. So cravat villain and the main villain chat a bit about being behind schedule. We see the villain breaks one of the rules of no guns and has a few smuggled in beer. Instead shooting him they just let him run around and try to escape. So they interrogates Whitey for a bit and then shoots him dead. So what happens if someone breaks the rules? Are they kicked out of their gang? Are they like shunned or something? So there’s a miniature montage of stuff we never saw about Whitey. Kim looks up what she should do and her computer tells her to get work forces via any means possible. So cravat villain flips out about cutting people off and trying to keep contact with the Clippers. Then there’s some footage of people driving around walking. Kim sneaks around and gets underground. Kim re-surfaces nearby the Clipper’s funeral pyre for Whitey. Kim tries to warn them and the cravat villain tries to bring him so they would be spared. They get into a scuffle and the villains start shooting at them. A couple of people get tagged and the movie goes into slow-mo. Kim hops on with someone as our heroes either flee or die. They escape to….not the place at the beginning of the movie. Kim works her medical knowledge and heals Mick (the leader of the Clippers). There’s a strange personal flashback, but the way how it’s filmed makes it seem like it’s happening concurrently with what’s going on. They manage to steal some motorbikes for Kim and some other gal in the Clippers. So our heroes try to sneak into the villain’s warehouse and now I’m wondering what the hell was up with James Earl Jones. He’s not narrating an of this so I’m confused about his purpose. They manage to meet up with some of the Clippers and they find guns, but no bullets. Mick leaves and finds cravat guy. They talk and Mick is beat up by the villains, but the Clippers ride in and save Mick. One of them lobs Molotov Cocktails and destroys a truck. Finally cut back to James Earl Jones. Actually we just replay the beginning of the film.
city limits 1 & 3
So we see some characters stand around each other and not say or do anything. James looks like he’s in much better clothes then the rags everyone else is wearing. One girl kicks her bike down so she walks off with one of the guys. He shows her a motorcycle to replace the one she broke. One guy drives off on it and immediately crashes it. What a screw up. Mick wants to abandon the lost city, but everyone else is adamant so our hero punches the wounded man in the face. Our hero makes out with Kim (lucky bastard) after a stupid one-sided conversation she has. So everyone decides to go back and we get a motorcycle repair montage. They leave in their stupid outfits and ride off back to the city.
city limits 4
They get inside the base and start some uprisings. People get thrown out windows, people just run away, and violence happens that we cant see cause the camera is from a distant outside shot. So James Earl Jones drives around in a rec Cadillac dressed in a stupid costume. Then a gunfight ensues as everyone gets in the parking lot. Also I think cravat guy betrayed his evil team. The villains take Kim hostage and get out a large machine gun. However they dint actually kill anyone. Seeing Crow flip out at the villain hits Kim is kinda of hilarious. James pulls out a remote control plane, flies it into things, and they explodes. Kim easily escapes and James blows up the villain. So they capture the guy who was in charge of it I guess and cravat guy kills him extremely easy. What the hell was his purpose!? So everything is hunky dory I guess? The end.
In the opening Joel says Ping Pong balls. Then they fall from the sky. Maybe cause I never watched Captain Kangaroo I didn’t think it was funny. For some reason Crow’s remark “They’ve been up there for months!” is pretty funny. Next up is the invention exchange. Joel shows off his Mr. Meat & Potato Head toys. The Mads demo Pop Star Tupperware. Next up Crow declares his love for Kim Cattrall and sings for her. Kinda funny and who doesn’t love Kim? Next up the SoL crew investigate and create their own superheroes. Not that funny. Really Deep Man is really deep, man. Next skit is exactly the same. Dull. At the end Joel and the bots try to play the City Limits trivia game, but they can’t remember anything about the movie. They read some letters instead. Honestly I don’t blame them cause this movie sucked!
Yet another dull biker movie. It has an apocalypse twist to it, but that doesn’t add. As a matter of fact its more dull than Wild Rebels cause of the extended scenes of people just standing around, walking around, or just laying around with shirts or pants off. The action is dull, the characters are boring, and the acting is stilted. Aside from the two big exceptions. Kim Cattrall and James Earl Jones. James brings his typical gravitas and Kim is amazing in everything….and I’m not just saying that because she’s beautiful! Well…kinda. With Crow’s blatant admiration for her, she was actually flattered and sent him a bouquet of flowers. The episode is kinda dull. The skits sucked, but the riffs were fairly funny. I’d recommend a viewing.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Hey we found the title!”, “Be careful. These guys are trained cable installers.”
Stinger – The remote control explosives kills the villain.
Episode –
Trailer –

402 – The Giant Gila Monster

giant gila monster
Our film of the hour starts with a narration and shots of a swamp. Are watching Boggy Creek? Sadly no we’re watching a teen monster movie. We see two kids in a car and they are IMMEDIATELY killed. No dialog, no reactions, no nothin!
giant gila monster 1 I don’t think the movie is about them
If the movie stays like this it’ll be 10 minutes long! Now we see a bunch of teen, being swell, and dancing. I am fully expecting the teens to just die right now considering the opening. They talk about cars and now I have the urge to watch American Graffiti. One of the girls just starts in another language as a guy known as Old Harris shows up. They want to buy his car off him, but he talks about selling it in New York City. The sound quality is bad, but shockingly it’s better than Space Travelers. They talk about a couple that didn’t make it to the party so I assume they’re the ones who died. Two people argue about searching for the kids from before and they argue about…control of the kids I think? Something like that. So the sheriff meets with a teen (who might be the hero) at an auto shop and they talk about the teens that vanished. The sheriff knocks on a door and it instantly opened. Were they waiting at the door? They talk about someone who might be the girl. I don’t know. The other cop from before comes the auto shop. At this point the poor sound quality is killing me. I can BARELY understand the dialog. Funny thing about the scene is that both of them have their feet on the table. The auto shop guy is on the phone and they find a crashed car. This is a clean Gila monster cause he eats up his victims without mess. We see more driving and Gila monster eats a dude. There’s an awful continuity shot where its day when he drives, pitch black when his lights shine on the briefcase, and then stays dark in the scene. The Gila watches and doesn’t eat them. Our hero goes somewhere to met his girl so he puts up his knee to pass the time. Our hero is the boyfriend of the French gal and worked at the auto shop. I think his name is Chase. So Chase drives beside some drunk guy who crashes into a sign. We try to have humor by making the drunk guy think he can drive while Chase tows him. The drunk guy was a DJ and gave Chase $40. Chase talks with the sheriff and there’s talk of him getting fired if he can’t find them or something within a few days. Chase gets his buddies to help look. Also Chase is a teen with a bald spot. While searching our heroes are almost eaten by the Gila. They found a car crashed into a ditch and our heroes go to look. There are cut-ins of the monster, but they don’t look like they’re anywhere near each other.
giant gila monster 2
They return to the cop and talk about finding the empty car. Then we see a truck diver who is killed almost instantly. However the monster doesn’t kill him. It licks in a cutaway, the truck driver falls onto his side, the truck explodes, and then the Gila walks in from another scene. Then our hero walks home and lifts up his mom. Turns out its his little sister’s new shoes. Actually his handicapped sister learned to walk. This scene has a funny moment where the white just cuts out and the screen is black for a second. This is supposed to be a heartwarming moment, but its kinda funny due to his bad singing.
giant gila monster 3
Then the white cuts out for a moment again. Then he drives off to the sheriff for reasons I couldn’t hear. Seriously I watched the scene like 4 times and I couldn’t understand a world of it. They find the blown up truck and I think that’s the most expensive scene in the movie. The sheriff and an old guy talk about the crash I guess. Once again I can’t really hear anything. Its not my headphones or the speaker. The audio is that bad! Then we hear people listen to the radio and talking about a steamroller. Next up is a drunken driving guy who sings, races against a train, and almost dies. The Gila walks under the bridge and destroys it. Then it just wanders off to a river like its bored. The drunk guy gets a POV of the monster and judging by this shot he’s driving in the lakebed. The train crashes and the drunk guy just turns around and leaves. He’s just like “Fuck this noise!” So we see our sheriff and the drunk guy talks to him about the lizard. Our hero goes home and he sings again. The hero talks on the phone more and we dissolve to our hero talking with the sheriff. They talk about the lizard and a zoologist. Good thing we’re learning about lizards. Then they go to a dance in a barn. About as fun as it sounds. Our hero brings in the DJ from earlier. Some guy talks to the sheriff and blames him for the death of his son. He says he’s guilty for not finding what kills him. I don’t see how ANY OF THIS is his fault! Then back to the dull ass party and the hero plays some stupid ukulele music. Remember when there was a lizard in this film? Oh there it is.
giant gila monster 4
I bet the lizard will be cut into the scene at random, and people will react to something that’s not there. That’s exactly what happens. The lizard just looks REALLY confused in every shot. Especially when it’s head just rams into the building. Our hero and the sheriff drive off to chase the lizard. Our hero gets some nitro and makes a big deal about them crashing into each other. So he drives like a maniac. The lizard gets into a house and we find that it may have eaten his sister. Huh. Kinda ballsy for a movie like this. We see the sister is still alive, but they almost run her over. Our hero lets his car drive into the Gila and it explodes. Also when he let of the nitro to drive why didn’t it fling into the windshield and explode. Our heroes are alive, the lizard is dead, and the movie is over. Thank god!
Opening skit is OH GOD! Joel has sewn Crow’s head on Tom’s body so they can become the Thing With 2 Heads! AAAAAHHHHH! SO after that terrifying display we hear from Frank that Dr. F is dead. Only he’s not dead. For the invention exchange Joel has a radio with a tuner that only picks up channels from old sitcoms and movies. The Mads demonstrate their Renaissance Festival punching bags. I would LOVE Joel’s invention! In the next skit Joel has turned a spare closet into a teen pavilion/barbershop as seen in the film. Joel throws a tantrum about the Bots “messing with his skit” despite the fact that they were playing along. Middle skit is the SoL crew celebrating the classic drunks, and Crow asks, “When did public intoxication stop being funny?” They do their own versions of funny drunks. It ends up turning into an after school special. Also Tom has a stroke. Pretty funny. Skit four is “Servo on Cinema”. A show in which Tom walks about films. Joel and Crow cannot resist butting in. Pretty funny when we see a montage of all the times people have their legs up. In the final skit the SoL crew has a fake band, but Crow lampshades that it’s the same thing they did with SpiDorr. Also the letter leads into a long-lived joke from the future. A little girl thinks Crow’s name is Art. This’ll make sense in about two or thee seasons.

How did I ever miss this one before? That Gila was incredible! I love how he barely caused any of those accidents directly! He just basically waddled around the whole movie and is cut in with accidents and people screaming. The episode is very, very funny with funny skits. The movie is dull as all hell, very poorly made, and even without the riffing I couldn’t comprehend most of the scenes. There’s a bunch of padding and some scenes go on for WAY to long. The death scenes suck due to them randomly cutting in the lizard. This film is terrible, but the episode is amazing. I recommend it.
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Is there anywhere for me to put my knee up here on boy?”, “You know when I look at the human race I just gotta laugh. I got a chickpea for a brain and I’m still smarter than they are! Go figure.”, “Hey he put on some weight like DeNiro!” “What do you mean? That is DeNiro.”. “I just know I’m gonna take the blame for this and I wasn’t even close!”, “Before she could barely walk, now she’s luggin furniture!”, “Seig heil everybody, seig heil.”
Stringer – Drunken old Harris gags on soda
Possible Stinger – The teens in the beginning instantly being killed.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNWLs7IgbZY
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3b0NWljlPw

401 – Space Travelers:

Welcome to Season 4 everybody. Are you excited? Cause I sure as hell am! A bit of pre-movie trivia this film is the only film to have been given an Academy Award and also featured on MST3K. Not kidding it won an Oscar for Best Visual Effects and was also nominated for Best Cinematography and Best Sound. I usually don’t agree with the Oscars so lets just jump in. Speaking of the film this is yet another Film Venture International release. It’s original title was Marooned and the opening sequence is just a bunch of random 3-D imagery. Also Gene Hackman is in it. And directed by…John Sturgers….Director of The Magnificent Seven and The Great Escape…one of my favorite movies of all time…I am actually kind of excited now! We see some ducks and a spaceship gets ready to launch. They launch and it looks realistic. That’s cause its stock footage. Now I’m getting some Stranded in Space flashbacks as we see our characters sitting in their suits in the cockpit. There’s a lot of footage of them getting rid of stuff and confirming stuff. Our characters chat a bit and we see some of them in space doing stuff.
Marooned 1
They talk about doing the whole seven months in space and it seems positive. There are some minor issues, but nothing is perfect. The failures are enough to make them want to bring them down, but it fails. They are stuck in orbit now and running out of oxygen. They estimate they’ll run out within 2 days. This is already a kind of dull movie. There’s just a lot of repeating dialog and talking this limited activity. It doesn’t help that there is no music. Score really helps out movies and now I feel like taking a nap. There are a lot of space shots as everyone talks amongst themselves about eating food. There’s a sub plot about a hurricane coming over Cuba…I guess that’s a thing. Cut to a boardroom scene where they try to launch another ship. Honestly I’m with the guy who says they shouldn’t try. It costs a lot of money and they could lose more than 3 lives. I know nothing about rocket science, but what if the ship crashes after take off or explodes in orbit? They talk to the astronauts and recommend they lower the oxygen. The guy on Ground Control requests they fall asleep to use less oxygen. There’s some driving and we see people working on a rescue mission. Back in the ship they turn off a bunch of stuff to use less power I guess.
Marooned 2
One of the guy’s brother and we get some character development I guess. Back on the ground the astronaut’s wives and they talk about goodbyes. The wives talk to their husbands about varying topics. Family, insurance, projects to work on, letters from the president, and the fact that they love them. Gene begins to freak out and they…do nothing. W see they have 60 seconds till launch, but they cancel due to weather. So that was up with the hurricane sub-plot? So Gene gives them a thanks, but the message gets cut off. The main man of ground control has an interview, but has an epiphany after he sees some numbers. Then the storm just passes. The man on GC talks with the astronauts and it’s really just talking about how they might end of dying. The captain gets mad and starts demanding launch times. There’s about a two hour gap between launch and actually getting to them. In this scene the astronauts are taking to one another, but they’re all breathing on their microphones so there’s a loud sound of breath. The short film I made in English class had better sound quality! And I didn’t have a mic! They talk about killing someone for less oxygen. Kill Gene. He’s breathing the most and using the most oxygen. He even acknowledges this so the captain says he’s going to go out and try to fix the engine. Despite the fact that earlier the man on GC told them to not do anything. The captain removes himself and tears his suit. He dies and the others have to watch as he drifts off into the great unknown.
Marooned 3
I know this is meant to be tragic or something cause the captain sacrificed himself, but Gene should have died. He WAS using the most oxygen. We still hear them breathing on the mics and it’s annoying as all hell. The other man up there gets pissed at Gene for using more oxygen. Exactly why they should have let him die. A rescue ship comes up and they’ll be saved in six minutes. Considering that we have 15 min means this’ll be a long 6 minutes. MY god did no one see that breathing into the mic that happens for the last 20 minutes as a sound issue in post production!? They get out of the ship and are rescued by a Russian ship. Gene leaps to the Russian, but he misses and starts drifting.
Marooned 4
The American ship flies by to the ship of our heroes and he manages to save Gene. One lengthy and boring sequence later and the Americans are saved. The End.
We begin with The Great Crowdini attempts to escape, hanging upside-down, from a set of chains while a cannon is pointed at his head. However Crow loses the key. Next skit Crow reveals the secret to his escape. Which is chewing his own head off. The invention exchange is the Dollaroid, a camera that puts pictures on Money. The Mads have Tissues with Faces. Both are funny and the Bots point out its uselessness. In the second skit Joel and the Bots lists the ways the space program has influenced everyday life. Most are a little bit of a stretch. Kinda funny at first. Middle skit is the SoL crew reenacting a scene from the movie. Crow begins getting to into his roles so Joel drags him away for some quiet time. Kinda funny. Next skit is Joel contemplating what would happen if one of the SOL crew had to sacrifice themselves in space. The Bots point out that he’s the only one who has to deal with this breathing problem. That’s pretty hilarious. Joel fakes out Gypsy while playing fetch and demonstrates a magic trick for Crow and Tom, “Find the Finder of Lost Loves”. The Bots end up frustrated and confused by his pop culture references.
This is a pretty funny episode, but a disappointingly bad movie. I loved Magnificent 7 and Great Escape is one of my favorite movies of all time. This film lacked a major thing that those movies have. It’s character. I didn’t give a crap about any of them and I didn’t care who would die. In Great Escape I wanted to see everyone escape and were saddened about the deaths. Also it lacked music and that really hurt the film. It was dull and boring without any sound in the extended sequences. Then again this is coming from the guy who thought that 2001 was just all right. The jokes are funny, the skits are funny, and it’s a nice start to season 4.
Episode Rating – 7/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – Any time Crow mistakes James Franciscus for Tony Franciosa (this happens a lot), “We suggest you start breathing in shifts.”, “We’re kind of getting used to the idea of death. I told Stoney I love him.”
Stinger – Gene Hackman contemplate taking a pill.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax3q-RkVIt4
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEpHyC72gss

Conclusion (Season 3)

Season 3 is fantastic. There was a long string of very funny episodes and the first one that wasn’t good was only mediocre. The actors all do a great job and the jokes seem to flow a lot better than in early season two. As regard to the theme of this season there were two. Sandy Frank and Film Venture International. They would appear in other seasons, but mostly in this season. There were a lot of good movies this season as well. I recommended Pod People, three of the Gamera films, It Conquered the World, and Master Ninja I & II. The episodes that were really good are too much to count. My personal favorites of the season were Cave Dwellers, Pod People, Gamera vs. Barugon, Time of the Apes, It Conquered the World, War of the Colossal Beast, and Master Ninja I. The lowpoints of the season were Daddy-O, Gamera vs. Zigra, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and especially The Castle of Fu-Manchu.

324 – Master Ninja II:

The Master Title
I feel like I should repeat my comments from last time I did Master Ninja cause it’s the exact same opening credits. So anyway we begin with an opening narration from out hero Max detailing what happened last episode. Lee made Max run a bunch to get him more fit. Then we watch some motorcycle footage. Max immediately gets into a fight with a biker, but turns out they’re buddies. They share a tight handshake and almost broke his hand. Then we see the girl of the day arguing with some guy. As she walks off he creepily licks his lips. Then the race. I’m getting major Sidehackers flashbacks. Max lost to our girl of the day. He immediately asks her out too. She turns him down. Whenever people are around me and they talk about the Union I get really bored. Why bring this up? Cause this episode is about the Dock Union! A guy screws up with a crane and almost crushes a guy. The only reason why he doesn’t die is cause Lee uses his ninja skills. We get our gal trying to form one and I just don’t care. Cut to our duo talking in a motel and Lee suddenly lies on the floor and passes out. He uses the ninja skill to pretend death. This’ll so not come into play later. Max goes to a bar and we see our girl get harassed and not served. The villain of the day tries to scare Lee, but Lee just doesn’t bother him. Max actually is a swell guy and purchases two meals for him and the gal. Max gets in a scuffle that ends with him getting thrown through a window like usual. Then the gal gets attacked and the villain tries to kill them. I know I don’t care about the topic, but why do these people want to stop a damn Union?! So she explains that everyone related to her brother got killed and she just walks off. Why not keep her with you? So in the morning she keeps pushing her Union. The villains chat about the previous scene and they talk about killing her. The villain is about to throw her our and Max intervenes. She has her Union meeting in a church and Max looks bored out his damn mind. She’s like the only person who wants a Union and they don’t want to give up their paychecks for a strike. Max makes a speech and the people who just said they couldn’t sign are suddenly able to sign. Lee gets attacked by a bunch of thugs, but Max swoops in on his bike. The villains give chase in a dull action scene with groovy music. Lee destroys their car and our heroes escape. They go to help her and they see that her home was ruined. Oh no. That’ll take like a day or two to clean up. Then they make out. Damn I need to learn his skills. Lee dons his ninja gear and Max fights the security guards. They search for evidence on her brother’s death. The gang gets chased by the same van and some more cars. They try to shoot out heroes and with a shotgun at pointblank range. They check on Lee and he’s using his ninja heart technique. Max flees and they don’t both chasing him. Max runs a bunch and meets up with the girl. He gets her to run with him and they immediately run into the thugs from before. They go to a graveyard and they are going to kill and bury our heroes. The thugs suck at digging too. Lee gets up and frees them. They kick ass and save the girl. The end of this episode. Despite the lack of interest in Unions I did like this episode.
Next episode starts right up with the action. Max is flying a thing and saves a girl from a car that won’t stop. Max flies over Lee and drops the girl into his arms. This girl is blonde and cute. As a way to make up for saving her, she invites them to a party in a fancy place. A bunch of commandos talk about kidnapping the Senator (whom is the gal’s dad). The rebels argue amongst themselves about killing and ethics. At the party the gal gets hit on by this guy in a fancy suit. We meet the Senator and our heroes show up. I love the two have chemistry with each other. We see a guy walk up to Lee and….Is that George Lazenby? Yes it is Lazenby. You give up James Bond to be in a bunch of junk. This is not one of those junks. Then cut to commercial and everyone was already taken over. I love the edits in these episodes sometimes. The rebels kidnap the the Senator’s daughter and several guests. George shoots a tracking device onto a helicopter and the gunmen cannot hit shit. Lazenby tries to track them down, but we cut back to the cops. Max and Lee were arrested too. There’s some exposition about the villains of the day that doesn’t mean much. Lazenby tries to break into the villain’s hideout and takes pictures of it. There’s more talk at the police station about hostages and stuff. George makes a good point that on one can climb a 70 foot wall, but then they remark that a Ninja can’t. Lee wants to go without Max and as he gets ready he finds the chainmail ninja from the first episode. A brief scuffle becomes a sword fight that Lee flees from. We cut over to the hostages. They’re all upset and stuff. The villains show up and are just there to be all intimidating and stuff. Max manages to find the building and Lee is barely able o climb up. Max manages to get in via the air thing from earlier. George pathetically climbs the wall and he looks like he has to stop and wheeze at every moment. Max lands in and begins to get inside the building. Lee is watching the villains and can easily just kill them all with shurikens. Lee goes to save the hostages and George gets captured. As day comes the villains talk about executing everyone. Max arrives in time to save the gal and they manage to save the hostages. George is held at gunpoint and tied down by our villains. Max fights the female villain and knocks her out. Lee takes the villains weapon and knocks him out. So George was useless to this story. Everyone escapes and the villains are captured. Max kisses the gal and leaves. The end.
The into is doing improve. They are in cream of wheat, Tom is Peter Gabriel, and Crow is anger. Pretty funny. The invention exchange is the Conveyor-belt Buffet for the mads and the SoL crew made the Gerbilsphere 2. Neither are all that funny to me. I like how the Mads are just sort of at a loss for words on how to say it’s a bad movie cause after Fu Manchu you can only go up. First movie skit is the Bots showing off their ideas for custom vans. Eh. Gypsy’s is Richard Basehart, Tom’s has Conan artist, and Crow’s is himself. Middle skit is short and sweet. Crow plays General Timothy van Patten. Funny. 2nd to last skit is Tom explaining how different detective and other crime-fighting type characters should have pets suited to them. Eh. The last skit is iss playing with a foam dress up Lee Van Cleef dress up doll. Dull.
The episodes of The Master were good, but the episode of MST3K was dull. There were a few funny riffs, but it was a rather dull sit. Like said before I liked the previous 2 episodes of the show and I thought the MST3K was funny too. As a last episode of the 3rd season it was lacking. I personally think Fu Manchu would have been a “great” way to end the season due to the true horror of how bad it is and the triumphant nature of Joel and the Bots still winning. This seemed more like a tacked on epilogue. I’m not one of those guys who says to watch an episode of a long term series out of order, but I would say change the order and put this after Master Ninja I.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating – 8/10
Favorite Riff – ‘I don’t usually see them walk away from you.’ “They usually run screaming.”, ‘Closed your door to the senses like you did in the motel room?’ “No I was really dead Tim. I’m the Re-Animator.”
Stinger – Lee creepily holds the gerbil.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkgWJWTuu3Y