First the short. USA energy facilities are being destroyed by an unknown weapon. The head of federal security visits Commando Cody and his colleagues to get help with the investigation. Cody and crew have invented a “rocket suit” which Cody uses for his missions. It’s just the Rocketeer suit. Using the rocket suit, Cody thwarts a train sabotage and discovers a ray gun. Cody and crew speculate that the ray gun uses technology never before seen on Earth. They focus their attention on the moon, where ‘unusual amounts’ of atomic activity have been detected. Cody and crew take their rocket ship to the moon to investigate. Once on the moon, they find a hidden city, and Cody encounters Retik, Ruler of the Moon. Retik tells Cody about his plans to invade Earth. He also tells Cody about the element “lunarium,” which he will use to conquer the Earth. Cody fights the Moon men in an effort to escape, as Retik tries to disintegrate him with a ray gun blast. Will he survive? Tune in next time! Same Rocket time, same Rocket Channel!
Now the movie. This apparently the third movie in the franchise! Shocking I know. So the Doctor gives us a primer on what happened in the previous two movies. There are some legendary Aztec treasures and no one believed in them. So he hypnotized a girl so she would dream about her previous Aztec life. So the girl was a special maiden who had to stay a virgin, but she loved an Aztec warrior. So he was buried alive and cursed for eternity. So after using stock footage for like five minutes they finally say she was sacrificed, while wearing the sacred Aztec stuff. She then gets her heart cut out and the girl wakes up screaming and they thought she died. She got better and they look around the ruins as the play more stock footage. Jesus it already has more stock footage than a Godzilla movie! They reach the bottom of the temple and they find the girl’s former body with shockingly good lighting for being at the bottom of a burial tomb. They steal the golden breastplate and leave I guess. They forgot the bracelet though so they go back. CUE STOCK FOOTAGE! They find it, but like dumbasses they wake up the mummy of the warrior. Unsurprisingly if you shine a flashlight in its face it flips out and goes blind. They escape and cut back to the current time. So they proceed to shoot new foota- Wait I guess we can use more stock footage. Jesus Christ this movie is so lazy! Okay so the mummy came to his house to take the treasures back and kidnaps the girl. The mummy wants to sacrifice her to his god, but the others rush in to save her (By rush they mean walk at a somewhat brisk pace). Oh and standing perfectly still as the mummy finishes the prep for the sacrifice. Then the main scientist/narrator shoots the dagger out of the mummies hand. It starts to strangle him, but one of the guys shoves a cross in his face. So the power of Christ compels him? So after the doctor was saved by religion they untie the girl and flee without the other guy. They go start to go back for him, but he tosses a stick of dynamite in a nearby fire and kills himself to bury the mummy in rubble. Apparently there was an informant that was involved and escaped from prison, captured the Aztec future girl and the doctor’s daughter. Say it with me here this triggers another goddamn flashback! The doctor does a thing involving the mummy for the informant and instead of setting them free he tries to kill them for outliving their usefulness. Then the mummy swoops in to save them! Somehow! It pushes a guy and he breaks down and cries. Hilarious. Watch the mummy flip tables! Also hilarious. Then the mummy carries the informant off and throws him into a pit conveniently filled with rattlesnakes. Then he walks off with his crap. Some cops investigate the informant’s hideout and everything and everyone is gone! Apparently the informant survived rattlesnakes and got away in a secret compartment. Okay then they go back to real time then just jump cut to another flashback! This time it shows that the informant has psychic powers to make the other girl walk out to his car. He uses her to find the mummy and they drive off. They go to a graveyard and look for the mummy, but are held up by a Mexican grave keeper. Whom the informant’s bodyguard promptly knocks out. He was pointless. They find the grave with the mummy and they threaten to destroy the body. So apparently the guy who was pushed fell on some chemicals and burned his face. Cause science! He wants the stuff first, and then the guy can kill the mummy. Why doesn’t he just destroy him then take the stuff? They do realize they can’t fight him so they withdraw for the moment. So they bring the girl back to the house and…Wait…was that last scene just a flashback or no? It really did seem like one! They jump cut to the girl walking down the stairs to the house and they have breakfast! Was that last scene a flashback?! HOLY CRAP THAT WAS NEW FOOTAGE AND NOT JUST TAKEN FROM THE FIRST TWO! HALLELUJAH!!! So they come to the conclusion that the informant (now called the Bat) has taken over her body to find the mummy. They are right. So they analyze the mud on her slippers to find out where she was. Apparently they have to be discrete about it for some reason. They find out she did indeed go to the crypt! The good doctor goes to investigate and after two minutes of wandering aimlessly they are relieved to find that the treasures are still there. WAIT! THAT WAS STILL A FLASHBACK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Uh…Okay then they reveal that Bat had stole a body and a brain. They doctor and some other guy goes searching for Bat’s hideout and its super scientific. The sneak in, but are caught by melt face guy. They are brought to Bat who explains his evil plan. Make a robot to fight the mummy and defeat him so he can take the artifacts for himself. A lighter and gasoline would be much easier. So Bat and the Robot leave to fight the mummy. Get ready to see the dull battle of the century! That lasts half a minute. The result is the mummy destroying the robot in a curb stomp battle and Bat being killed with melt face guy. Then the Aztec reincarnation just shows up! She tells the mummy to leave now and never come back.
The invention exchange is the Chalkman a record player that plays nails on a chalkboard. Joel’s is airbag helmet. Dull. Dr. Forester’s was better. The short is not my taste. Sure I love Campy Sci-Fi, but I don’t like the old serials. The sketches aren’t funny. A bunch of red fish bones called Demon Dogs attack the SOL and pee on them. This goes on for all the sketches. This movie sucks! It’s 80% stock footage and you only see the Robot for like the last ten minutes. This is like watching the series re-cap to a TV series you’ve never seen before. The robot effect is garbage as well. I shouldn’t have even been made. The riffs aren’t even that funny. Only a few jokes made me laugh out loud and only a bit more made me chuckle or smirk. Nothing makes sense! Don’t watch it!
Episode Rating – 2/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – ‘Flora’s father held a cross in his face’ “Which is odd considering he’s Jewish.”
Possible Stinger – Robot walking around aimlessly as they watch.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXD-SHbwyU
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhsFAt9ju2o Spliced in with a much better movie.