“Halloween” Directed by John Carpenter


Still one of my favorite posters ever

I watched it as a lead up to Halloween cause I’ll be busy on Halloween with my B Movie marathon. I watched it for the first time about a year or so ago and I liked it. I’ve had it on as background noise sometimes, but never really re-watched it. This was the first time since and I really don’t regret it this is an amazing movie. The mood, atmosphere, suspense, and the characters are all amazing. The film stars Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode and she gives an amazing performance. She goes from an introverted schoolgirl, to a kind babysitter, to a smart survivor. Granted she makes some stupid mistakes like ignoring people claiming they saw someone who vanished, when she was doing the same thing before with her friends when it was the other way around. Speaking of her friends they are so much fun. Annie and Lynda have very funny lines and their hypersexual, overtly perky, and totally valley girlish attitudes contrast with Laurie’s shy and introversive nature mix well. At the start of the film Dr. Loomis played by Donald Pleasance who gives the performance of his life is a crazy man’s doctor and said crazy man is being transported out of juvenile detention. Said crazy man Michael Myers steals his work car and drives for Haddonfield, Illinois (filmed in California). On the way he steals a jumpsuit, a William Shatner mask, some rope, and knives. Laurie constantly sees Michael, but he vanishes when she looks back or tried to tell people about him. One of may favorite scenes is when Laurie is walking home with Annie and Lynda and are chatting about people stuff until Michael speeds by. Annie jokingly shouts, “Speed kills you know!” Michael then stops the car for a solid minute and drives off. I’d love to imagine in that time Michael was debating driving back and just snapping her neck in broad daylight. Laurie leaves to babysit a kid and they chat for a bit before we get constant cut backs to Annie watching another kid who is totally absorbed in a monster movie marathon (they played The Thing from Another World AND Forbidden Planet! Two movies on my lineup). Annie leaves the girl with Laurie so she can go sleep with her boyfriend and she goes to get her keys while singing what she’s doing, which I do and made me laugh. Annie is killed and shortly after Lynda and her boyfriend Bob show up at the house to have sex. They do and are killed. Laure goes over after Lynda is killed by Michael while on the phone with her and is slashed by Michael. She runs back into the kid’s house and stabs Michael in the neck with a knitting needle. Laurie goes upstairs to comfort the kids, but Michael comes back upstairs and hides herself and the kids in separate closets. Michael breaks into hers so she stabs him with a coat hanger and his butcher knife. He once again gets up and Dr. Loomis comes into the house and shoots Michael off the balcony. In the next shot of Loomis looking down he is gone. The end! This is still one of the best horror movies ever made. I’d say it rivals against Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street 2, and Friday the 13th Part 4 for my favorite horror film. The music is chilling and sets the mood of each scene wonderfully. There are next to no jump scares in it and they are all deserved. It is a chilling film, but my favorite scene is when Laurie sees the bodies of her friends as she’s crying you gradually see Michael slowly come through a dark and empty room. The way the shadows slowly expose him is absolutely spine tingling. I absolutely recommend it. The only real problems I have with the film are the lack of any real blood (I know budgetary problems) and the fact that Michael’s teleportation is somewhat comical.

Final Verdict 10/10 William Shatner Masks.

108 – Slime People. Short: Commando Cody Part 6


First the thrilling follow up to the Bridge of Death! Like before see the scene replayed with previously unshown footage of Cody and Ted leaping to safety at the last minute. Finally successful in bringing in much-needed cash, the Moon Men’s hired thugs learn that their evil employers have changed their minds again. This time they want to set off an atomic explosion in the crater of a dormant volcano. Why do they trust these incompetent fools with their plans? They want this to happen because this will set off worldwide flooding not seen since the days of Noah. Odd when the Avatar blows up a volcano he destroys the Abyss (Ultima reference!) The thugs rent a plane to carry out this fiendish plan. They blow up the volcano with an atomic blast that’s about the magnitude of a couple sticks of dynamite and flooding ensues. Then it subsides with no apparent affect, and Cody tracks them. A balsa-wood-furniture-breaking fight ensues, after which the thugs kidnap Ted. Ted predictably escapes, and Cody chases them into a corner. Out of bullets, the thugs knock Cody over a cliff with a big rock. Is this the end? Of course not. Now the film.

It starts with the Slime People just showing up. They crawl out of the sewer and it shows a guy I guess they speared.

Fog 1

Get used to the fog!

Then it shows a guy piloting a plane. He wants to land in San Diego and they tell him to leave Los Angeles area and head North. Of course he doesn’t listen. Otherwise this would be a worthless scene. He wanders for a bit and finds no one. He finds some people in a car and it’s a professor and his daughters Bonnie and Lisa. Also the guys name is Tom. He drives off with them and they talk. They tell him about how the Slime People attacked LA, beat the army, and surrounded LA in a wall of fog. One of the daughters is an ungodly amount of perky. Funny thing is Tom is completely rational, but the moment the Professor brings up fish in the sea Tom immediately says he’s crazy and wants to get out.


Our heroes! Perky girl, brunette girl, mandatory scientist, and Tom

He is then shown the destroyed LA landscape. They find a crashed car with a corpse and a spear. Now he believes them, but the dome part sounds irrational. They find the footage about the Slime people and it shows a news report (Also note the crew member whose shadow can be seen). It shows some reports that just confirm that the people were evacuated from the beach areas and the military engaged in “hand to hand” combat. Why? You have guns! The reports talk to Dr. Bro and he confirms that they are fish creatures from the sewers and lived for many years long ago. They don’t know how they make the fog, but they know its so they can live on the surface. The next report i- HAHAHAHA! You can practically ONLY see the fog! I can barely make out the guy’s face! Apparently the fog hardened around and killed a guy.

Slime -- Fog 3

The sad/best thing is that this isn’t the foggiest shot in the movie!

So the fog is now stone. Fantastic. Then some guy throws a film canister at them so Tom punches him in the face/ Joel and the bots engage in Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert jokes that are just bad. Two random drunk characters now for some reason. Then the sewer opens up and some Slime People show up. The costume is pretty good. A full body suit with wet, slimy scales, ridges on the back, and little whisker things.

slime person

They run in a building and they meet a guy with a gun and run some more. They get outside to safety, but a Slime Person gets through and they easy fend it off with a fire extinguisher. It gets through again, but they close the door on it and then all the fog vanishes. His name is Calvin. The fog appears again and the slime people kills the drunks. I love it. The fog just follows them wherever they go! They rest in a TV station and they try to contact the people and inform them they are attacking the area. Calvin is apparently a Marine. Bonnie is so ungodly amounts of perky. They plan to leave in the morning, get some chemicals, and try to break through the fog wall. But hey enough smart talk. Time for out of nowhere romance! Bonnie and Calvin immediately hit it off and he flat out asks if she had a boyfriend. Jesus dude time and place there a Slime People trying to kill you! They hook up I guess. The romantic saxophone, stilted dialog, out of nowhere kiss, and they say they’ll continue it later. Yep it’s 50’s romance! Gee wiz (He actually says that!) this movie is fun. Cut to the morning and Tom wakes them all up. They say they’ll do shopping separately. I think they mean looting. So Professor and Calvin talk about how the fog machine works and when the Professor leaves and he immediately hits on his daughter. She takes the words right out of my mouth, time and place. They meet an old friend of Tom named Toliver. He says the Slime People are fake. Ugh… I hate people. When does he die? “We shouldn’t leave him Tom.” Please do. He is sadly brought in, but thankfully they leave his goat. Yay the fog is back! Toliver is gonna die! Tom and Professor are gonna look for the wall and are ‘only’ gonna go 300 feet. Last time someone went out of sight about a hundred yards he was sent 100 years in the future (Twilight Zone reference)! They wander for a bit as the fog fills the screen and they look for the wall. Then they find the Slime Creatures! More fog! MORE FOG!!!

Fog 2


The Slime People tug on the rope so Calvin and the girls run after him leaving the rope with Toliver. Oh god there is so much fog! I can barely see the screen! So they find the wall and start to set up the chemicals. They wander hilariously through the fog and now I think they’re gonna shoot each other. I think Bonnie got lost in the fog, but I can’t see a thing! They get back to the cars and Toliver complains to them about reckless driving and how he’ll make a book about this, despite the fact that he still doesn’t believe in the Slime People. “I’ll start with you all in the fog!” That exactly what the director said to every scene. They drop him out of the car and leave. See even the characters don’t like him! Please die Toliver! Sadly a Slime Creature apparently was in the car and attacks them. They drive off with Toliver with them and in tears. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” I COULDN’T EVEN SEE IT! Oh god…WHERE’D ALL THE FOG GO! Oh thank god! It was all in the town! The movie looked naked without. Also they just said they were low on gas. They were on the highway/mountain side. Then it shows the exact same car pull into town. Short drive. They hide out in a butcher shop and they immediately ambush them! Toliver drops to his knees and still believes they are a figment of our imagination. Then they leave him to die. Thank god I hate that character type! The idiot disbeliever who tries to dispel all of it as a hoax or prank. The conclude that they can get through the wall with salt cause Tom’s plane touches salt water and got through. Only with massive difficulty. So Calvin and Bonnie off alone. Two people dyin’ tonight!. No even a minute outside and Bonnie is already captured! Great plan military guy! Don’t then know to never split the party? Tom and Calvin meet in the fog and he drops his gun when they saw a Slime Person. Idiot. They make it back and conclude that Bonnie is still alive to lure them out. No for food and breeding purposes! They open the door and a Slime Person walks in and Tom just shoves it out and closes the door on its foot. They conclude that the Slime People are self-sealing. They go out looking for Bonnie and I’m fully expecting them both to drive off the side and into a building due to how foggy it is. Hell they hit two slime people and almost hit a pole. Okay the driving sucks! They are just shaking the car from side to side! They hop out of the car and run down a hill. They try to find her, but like the rest of the movie it’s just lost in the fog. I guess sound doesn’t travel far in the fog cause despite he shrieking like a banshee they don’t hear her! They find her hair though. In a wheat field, at night, in a massive fog! Thankfully the Slime People have no peripheral vision because a bunch of Slime People walk right past them! WHAT! They returned from commercial and a Slime Creature was killed and Bonnie was saved! Was this a joke on how seeable the movie is! Cause that’s both brilliant and hilarious! They find the fog machine and instead of destroying it, they go back to the Professor and Lisa.

Slime -- Fog 4

The mighty fog machine of evil!

They leave to destroy it and there is so much fog I thought they left and entered onto the same set! THEY DID! HAHAHA! Calvin and Tom leave and Calvin has proved to be more of a liability than anything. Then Calvin and a Slime Person get into a fistfight and it starts with Calvin getting backhanded and falling back. He grabs the spear and pulls a Lavitz/Albert where he lifts himself with the spear and kicks it in the face (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxhO55Tt-aE Not as complex, but you should get the gist). Cue Star Trek fight score! Then I guess Calvin kills it, but once again the fog is so thick I can’t see anything! Tom wanders around and beats Slime People for a while. The rest arrives and Calvin goes in to help, but our hero has got it in the bag. Lisa is almost captured, but Tom tackles it and the Professor kills it with a spear. As they get closer and closer to the fog machine the Slime People close in. The Professor throws his spear at it and I kid you not, IT EXPLODES! Jesus Christ! Don’t mess with the Professor.


One of the most badass professors ever!

The Professor and Tom have more kills and impressive feats than Calvin. The fog disappears and all the Slime People die. The end.

In the intro Joel and Tom get up in the morning like normal people. Frustrated, grumpy, and still tired. Crow, on the other hand, is aggressively chipper. He makes up a morning poem. Joy oh joy. It’s pretty funny because of how true it is for morning and non-morning people. Invention exchange is cartoon eyeglasses that grow and shrink for Joel. Screaming cotton candy for the Mads. Eh, neither is all that good. Next skit is a fake court case about them convicting Commando Cody for crimes against reality (and bad acting). Crow is against him and Tom is all for him. They play up the courtroom clichés and it ends with Joel smashing C.C. with his gavel. It’s kinda funny. Next skit is Joel and the bots start talking about how the movie makes no sense then they go on a tangent. The tangent is talking about a show where some guy gets stranded on an island and makes robots out of boat parts and is forced to watch bad TV shows. When asked how they eat, Tom says, “You should relax it’s just a show”. UGH! That joke sucks! Next skit is a joke on how this movie has endless amounts of fog! You can barely see a damn thing! There are times when the screen is almost completely white! This skit is hilarious. I love fog machines so much! They can cover up the entire screen and you can make them settle for any time of day. A future movie has so much fog it’s practically night in almost every outdoor shot. I’d love to see the directing.

‘We got this good shot here, but you know what it needs fog! Lots and lots of fog!’

‘But there’s already so much fog!’

‘Well there’s not enough fog! (Waves fog machine around for like 10 minutes) Perfect! Action! (Actors stumble into each other, everyone misses their spots, no one can see a thing) And CUT! Perfect print it!’

I love this episode! It’s got good riffs, a funny skit, and the movie was fun. The movie is dumb and un-seeable at times, but goddamn is it funny. I have a soft spot for monster/alien attack movies and this I’ll be honest. If I saw this as a kid, I would have loved this movie. It’s got good tension, a good lead (Tom the Reporter not Calvin the Idiot Marine), it has its fun moments, and it starts out solid to an incomprehensible (and blinding) middle, to a tense ending. Some people might hate the over use of fog, but I find it funnier than anything. Check it out for a fun dumb movie. Riffed or not. Oh and Commando Cody. I didn’t like it like usual.

Episode Rating – 6/10

Movie Rating – 7/10

Favorite Riff – “Oh no does this mean we have to see clearly for the rest of the film!?”

Possible Stinger – Professor throwing the spear and blowing up the fog machine.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIygqcw50A

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfHJZxVK00g

107 – Robot Monster. Shorts: Commando Cody Parts 4 and 5

Okay to the shorts first. This is honestly the point when I’m sick of Commando Cody. Cody rolls out of the car before it exploded and now he’s fighting some gangsters. Oh right the moon men hired cheap and goofy gangsters to capture Cody. They hi-jack a plane with a scientist and bail out when it starts to crash. Cody gets in, but BOOM the plane crashed. Sucks to be them….Just kidding they found a spare parachute and had enough time to escape unscathed. The gangsters try one last heist before the moon men kill them I guess, but they fail and only one is hospitalized. The just DIE I guess. With Cody en route to interrogate him, the injured gangster is transported to a top security facility. On they way the driver of the armored ambulance, falling for one the oldest tricks in the book, gets out to assist a fallen pedestrian. He turns out to be another gangster and the captive gangster gets away. When they learn that Cody is in pursuit, they ram an unmanned ambulance into Cody’s car, sending both vehicles over a cliff. The end? Find out next Cody Time, same Cody Place!
Okay now for Robot Monster! Okay so here’s the monster. A guy in a Gorilla suit, a diving helmet with TV antennas on top, and a Bubble Machine. I love this movie so much! The aliens (Yes that is the whole race!) called Ro-Men wipe out the Earth aside from like 6 people cause of immunity from their death rays. There are three scientists (One is a woman), a housewife, a young girl, and our child protagonist. So yeah the Ro-Man has to kill the Hu-Man, but he falls in love with the girl and he captures her. She can also tie herself up apparently. Kinky. I guess? The Ro-Man kills a few of them, but the High Council of Ro-Men kills Ro-Man due to his Hu-Man emotions and they destroy the Earth! Just kidding it was ALL a dream. So the kid goes to eat dinner and roll cast list! I adore this movie for all the best reasons. I know, it sucks, but goddamn! It transcends badness and becomes unbelievably goofy and lovable.
Okay this one has some explaining. This is probably my favorite episode of the season. Solely because of the movie! I absolutely love this movie. It’s campy, dumb, cheesy, has laughable dialog, ridiculous costumes, and overused footage. The amount of times they traverse over the same area claiming that it’s new and the lizard footage is over used all the time! The episode like most of season 1 sucks, but the movie is completely worth it! The sketches mostly suck. At the end they wear garbage bags…cause? At the beginning they do the damn Flaming (insert item here) invention again and it sucks again! The only tolerable skit is when Crow and Tom pretend to be Ro-Man to scare Joel, but I backfires and he starts beating them up. This episode is all right by season 1 standards, but just watch the movie alone and get some friends. You’ll have a better experience.
Time to get nostalgic. This is actually the third episode of the series of saw of the series and the first Joel episode I ever saw. This episode does hold a very, very soft and warm place in my heart.  If I had to see one Season 1 episode again. It would be this one.

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 10/10

Favorite Riff – “We’re only at half a billion bubbles so far I’ve been counting.”

Possible Stinger – Ro-Man – “Yes! To be like the Hu-Man. To laugh, feel, want.”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NacFWgA–kA

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq9IKsH9BXg

106 – The Crawling Hand

Okay the movie starts with the credits and we see that it stars Alan Hale Jr. (Skipper from Gilligan’s Island) and the lovely Allison Hayes (B-movie babe). This could be all right. Okay so the credits are in space, but an astronaut is looking out that space window. So does he see those credits? Then he starts begging from command to hear him. Is he upset the credits were over? So something goes wrong and down on Earth some guy is complaining to his secretary about the failure and lack of contact. This guy is reasonably upset. He leaves and talks to a few other guys. Then it randomly cuts back to the secretary sitting there and back to them without a word. Thank god we know she’s doing her job. They do the same thing again! What’s with the editing? They’re talking about the astronauts cracking under solitude, but that’s apparently not the case. There’s also a countdown to when he runs out of oxygen. When it runs out the original guy slams the table and it cuts to the girl and back to the men. One of the other people leave and it does the girl few second cut again. The other two guys talk and they find that the guy has survived for twenty minutes without air. He’s freaking out and wants to press the red button. He wants to kill people and he seems to have given acting lessons to Shatner. They press the red (technically gray) button and he explodes. Cut to a swinging 60’s club where teens are drinking, dancing, and played by 30 year olds. Oh and they’re not allowed to either dance or act. Two girls are talking about girl stuff and one the waiter talks about the explosion in the sky. They laugh an- Oh I guess we’re done with that scene okay. Cut to some guy named Paul driving down the street. He enters the same club and starts talking to the girls. So Paul and the blonde girl are dating and can’t act. It’s also apparently Christmas. They leave and…Bird’s the Word is playing in the background. No joke, no comment on the film, just….Bird’s the Word is playing. Okay I don’t think this waiter hasn’t had fun since WW2. Okay so the couple stops at the beach, play around, and make out. Thank god 30 year olds are playing these teens getting dressed on camera or else this would be massively illegal! So they go swimming and in the sand…is a piece of the spaceship! Aaaaah! They play around some more and then before they can get down and dirty they find the astronaut’s arm! Less aaaaaaah worthy. The guy doesn’t want to report the lost arm because….uh…stupid screenwriting? He leaves and drives back later to get the arm because….reasons! The guy from before (named Steve) and the good doctor talk about spaceship problems. So a radioactive rat can open regular locks and thinks now. That’s the explanation for the arm moving later. Oh god this next shot. It just shakes the camera back and forth to emulate the arm moving and knocking stuff over. Goody. So Paul’s mom goes down with a gun and blames it on the cat. What follows is a long boring scene of the arm moving, Pal sleeping, his mom waking up, drinking, going back to sleep, and repeating the process. Until the arm FINALLY lashes out and kills the mom. Paul wakes up finds his dead mom and calls the cops. This is why he should have reported the goddamn arm and not wrap it up in his closet! The cops show up and they question Paul. They leave and the arm finally strangles his dumb ass! The paramedics arrive and when they bring the dead body they find Paul. SADLY he’s alive! He runs out of the truck screaming and the paramedics don’t follow him. Everyone in this movie is a dumbass. Slam cut to the other guy shouting at Steve and his pal about him going foreword with another spaceship after the last two failures. I just realized something. Allison is only in like two scenes! Slam cut to plane, and then slam cut to Paul running down the street. He runs back into his house and he finds the sheriff waiting for him. Paul is an idiot. He takes the arm home, refuses help from doctors, and refuses help from the cops! He’s not in trouble for anything. Paul pulls out a recorder and he starts monologuing. Apparently he’s a lone wolf who wanted all the credit to himself. No he’s just an idiot. Also he almost gave Shatner a run for his money. He looks like he’s about to drop dead at any moment. Then he gets double black eyes so is he a zombie now? Steve and his buddy show up and want permission to search the house, but the officer obviously tells them to piss off. Paul leaves the two dudes a note saying he’ll talk to them that night. His girlfriend shows up to see if he’s okay, but he tells her to get out of the house (Many times!). Steve and pal show up at night and they find radioactivity on the shelf and ceiling. Then Paul attacks them and runs off! Then the cop doesn’t even notice! Will someone please shoot him! UGH!!! Paul runs to the club and almost kills the waiter to Bird is the Word. He snaps out of it and runs off. The females talk about Paul and they never once bring up how dumb he is. Paul shows up as the other girl leaves. He talks about how he’s going to go away after he says goodbye and maybe destroys the hand. He claims the waiter is the only person he could have relied on, but they’ve never interacted. He turns crazy again and almost kills her, but doesn’t. Steve and pal are arrested for trespassing and they keep telling the cops, “Chase Paul! He’s dangerous!” They arrive at the girl’s house and she says it was the hand that did it! Which we haven’t seen in lord knows how long! Paul runs home and finds the hand, then drives off. Paul drives fast with the cops chasing him and the hand (I kid you not) crawls out of the trunk, into the back seat and strangles Paul. Paul parks (not crashes, parks) into a garbage dumb and fights with the arm. It’s a dumb scene that goes on far too long. They catch up to him and the sheriff pulls a gun on Paul and says if he doesn’t come he’ll shoot. Steve says he’s just a kid and Sheriff reminds him that he almost killed three maybe four people. YES! KILL PAUL! ‘I don’t want to hurt you Paul’ I DO KILL HIM! Then- WHAT? Two cats just start fighting! Then they EAT THE ARM! WHAT!? Then Paul passes out and they say have to bring him to a hospital. NO! HE WAS ALMOST SHOT! PUT A BULLET IN HIM AND SAY IT WAS SELF DEFENSE! YOU ARE THE LAW! They say Paul is going to be just fine and it ends!

The invention exchange is the safety saw that turns off when your body is near it for Joel. He did a funny gag where he used fake fingers and cut them off much to the shock for the Mads. Dr. F’s is the limb lengthener. First skit is bowling. Funny (Sarcasm). Okay this next skit is funny. Fake hands are strangling them and they do Shatner impressions. This is funny solely because I love Shatner impressions. Next skit is Crow talking about how the killer arm isn’t scary, but a giant fake hand attacks him. I hated this movie and episode. The riffs are barely funny; it drags at a long pace, and I HATED Paul. He is so poorly acted and written that he is one of the most unlikeable hero characters I’ve seen in a while. He brought all of it on himself and he is the reason his mom died, and all those others almost died! If he just reported it there would be no issue! GOOD LORD I WAS PROMISED ALLISON HAYES AND A KILLER HAND AND I DIDN’T GET IT! The hand should have killed people and ended with the cats eating it! PAUL SHOULD HAVE DIED SECOND!!! AND MORE ALLISON HAYES!

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – None

Possible Stinger – Paul getting strangled.

Episode –  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQsQFijFRkg

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpZSe4tDphE

105 – The Corpse Vanishes. Short: Commando Cody Part 3.

Verse same as the rest. Don’t worry the show gets better trust me! The short is Commando Cody – Chapter Three, Bridge of Death. In this episode people talk as little possible, fist fight, throw a cheap dummy off a cliff, and there are three chase scenes (On foot, by spaceship, and by car). The end of the last chase crosses the bridge of death (Sadly not over the Gorge of Eternal Peril), which explodes, sending Cody’s flaming car into the river. Guess he didn’t know the capital of Assyria.

The movie sucks just as much as the short. It has Bela Lugosi as an evil scientist who kills brides, steals their corpses, and uses their life to keep is his wife alive. A female news reporter finds one of the places and is forced to stay because of storm. This won’t end well. She meets a humpback assistant. Sadly not Ygor for Son of Frankenstein…wait he wasn’t even a hunchback! Oh and he also has a dwarf brother. So the reporter finds them sleeping in coffins, disposing bodies, and killing the hunchback. He must suck as a boss. People stage a fake wedding and they catch Bela. However he kills the dwarf and captures the reporter. Man they suck at keeping people in custody. Patricia and Fagah (the hunchback and dwarf’s mom) kill the Bela and his wife. The reporter gives up on reporting and becomes a housewife…cause 40’s and all. The sketches aren’t all that funny. Tom and Crow, looking at a magazine, and talking about clowns. Yay? This is a downright awful episode. Occasionally I got a smirk, but I just hated it. The movie’s got all the right clichés: a mad doctor, a go-getting female reporter, a hunchback, a dwarf, and lots of young female victims. The problem is, it makes next to no sense. As Crow cleverly puts it in the final host segment, “He’s trying to commit an inconspicuous murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman’s life.” There has got to be an easier ways to get fresh young female corpses. Some of the comments are occasionally funny, but the movie’s bad pacing and unfollowable plot make it difficult viewing.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 2/10

Favorite Riff – “He’s trying to commit an inconspicuous murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman’s life.”

Possible Stinger – Woman dying at her wedding and people freaking out.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90hc7M_vKv0

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNkm0SLjobQ

“Crimson Peak” Directed by Guillermo del Toro.


Easily one of the best modern horror films I’ve seen in a long time. The acting, the effects, the mood, the set, the story, and the scares are all fantastic. I loved Pan’s Labyrinth and Cronos so I had high hopes for it. My initial thoughts of the first scene were not good. It was shot well, the lighting was fantastic, but the scares were off. It was those loud booming stinger noise scares. The context to the scene is that it’s the main character Edith’s recently deceased mother. The ghost looks good with an almost zombie like appearance to add onto the ghostly look to it. It puts its hand on young Edith’s shoulder and you hear a loud boom and the mother has a deep and gravely voice. My problem is that it should have been subtler. The hand on the shoulder should have been a silent and the voice should have been soft and nurturing. It is her mother after all. Other than that the movie is brilliant. We see Edith (played by Mia Wasikowska) seventeen years later as she meets Tom Sharpe played by Tom Hiddleston trying to pitch a clay-mining tool to Edith’s father Carter played by Jim Beaver (who has a delightful mustache beard combo and I shall affectionately refer to him as Moustache Dad). He is turned down for the funding and later we see Edith and Tom dancing at a party and they chat about a story Edith is writing. It’s very vague. All we know is that it has a ghost in it and the ghost is a metaphor for the past. Moustache Dad scoops up the past on Tom and his sister Lucille played by Jessica Chastain. He doesn’t explicitly tell us what he found, but he tells Tom to break Edith’s heart. He does and she leaves sobbing. Then the next morning Moustache Dad is murdered by an unknown figure by smashing his head on a sink. That scene was very well shot with the camera panning across the room as he walked, but the emphasis on the shaving razor at one point was odd. I guess it was supposed to be on the sink. Edith re-unites with Tom when he leaves her a letter telling her the truth and that he really did love her. They get married after the funeral for Moustache Dad and they move to England to live in his estate. Said estate has a giant hole in the ceiling, moths flying all over the place, is sinking into the clay ground, and is haunted by ghosts. Other than that it’s a lovely house. The ghosts repeatedly make appearances to Edith, but she doesn’t know what it is they want though. She later learns that one is Tom and Lucille’s estranged mother, the other is one of Tom’s ex-wives whom they murdered, and the last is a baby had between Tom and Lucille. Yes this movie has incest in it and is dropped on our laps like ten minutes before the end of the movie! So Lucille has been gradually poisoning Edith as Tom slowly, but surely falls in love with her. At the end Moustache Dad’s doctor comes to find Edith after he found out that Lucille murdered their mother and Edith not only learned of the incest, but she is Tom’s 4th wife. However Tom can’t kill either of them because of his love for Edith. So Lucille in a jealous and insane fit she stabs him in the face! A short chase ensues that ends with Edith killing Lucille with a shovel. As I said earlier the scares get much better after the first scene. The ghosts are quiet and their appearance alone is meant to scare you. The performances are great, but the standout is Jessica Chastain who does a superb job at playing a crazy lady! I highly recommend it! It’s slow, but scary and it’s very effective. Even if you don’t like horror movies, but if you love Tom Hiddleston he gives an amazing performance and you get to see his bare ass for like two minutes. Final Verdict – 9/10 Tom Hiddleston butt cheeks.


104 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet

The movie is about a bunch of astronauts who are bringing a race of aliens called Centurions with them to Earth. There’s a lot of bigotry towards the Centurions for unexplained reasons. The ship crashes, everyone gets separated and Linda one of the Centurions is rescued by a half human, half Centurion man named Tang. An away team leaves to find them and they have to endure such grueling challenges like dry ice and a spider puppet! Tang and Linda fall in love and she can’t decide if she wants to leave or stay with Tang. However some savages attack her and Tang is beaten up. The away team shows up and kills ALL of the savages. Well that wrapped up quickly. Then one of the dumbasses shoots Tang. Linda is brought back to the ship and then a volcano erupts! She runs out to be with Tang as the volcano erupts and the ship starts to take off without some of the people. The Admiral wants to go back for her because apparently he’s her father figure, but our male lead punches him and drags him back to the ship. Just as they lift off I guess the volcano just stops erupting. Thankfully though, Tang and Linda find each other again and embrace! Good I actually wanted them to stay together. They could go back, but the Admiral says not to despite the fact that he was about to die going back for her! Like most of Season 1 this episode sucks. The jokes aren’t all that funny, the inventions are dull, the sketches are lack luster at best, and the movie isn’t all that bad! The problem with this episode is that I have next to no problems with it as a movie. Sure the effects suck ass, some of the comic relief is annoying, the story went at a snails pace, and the acting is stilted at times. However the story is all right when it moved, there’s some decent tension at the end, and I did like Tang and Linda. The sketches revolved around the crew disabling a satellite and I’ll be honest I just skipped over them to watch the movie. This is one of the episodes where I just have to say, watch the movie itself and you’ll get a lot more enjoyment. One last thing. There is only one woman on the semi-prehistoric planet. It should be called, Centurions of the Mysterious Planet or something like that.

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 6/10

Favorite Riff – None

Possible Stinger – Men shooting a fake spider.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNtcSALSlxk

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuEefWBdMoQ

103 – Mad Monster. Short: Commando Cody Part 2

Short is first. After escaping Retik, Cody and his pals devise a plan to enter the villain’s lair. Once there, they inject nitrous oxide into the ventilating system, knock out the bad guys, and steal the atomic ray gun. The plan works fine, but as they make their getaway with the gun, Cody and his sidekick Ted are pursued by Moon Men in a moon tank and get trapped in a cave. The Moon Men melt the rock walls with another laser and cause molten lava to rush towards Cody and Ted.

Now the movie! So after the credits it shows a wolf howling, then in a cage. PETA would love this movie. Blood is being taken from the wolf and is inserted to a guy by an evil doctor named Cameron. Cameron says he has nothing to worry about, but experience says he has everything to worry about. The guy passes out and turns into a werewolf! Cameron is glad and shockingly he wants to use it as a weapon of peace! Then he remembers that a bunch of guys said he was insane for wanting that and begins to plot his revenge! I guess he has to insert the potion into him to change the guy back, which is not going to bode well for later. The guy remembers none of the transformation and only remembers it as a dream where he was chasing and wanting to kill people. The doctor said it was just a nightmare and as they go off to bed they meet Camerons daughter, Lenora. Also it seems the guy is a bit…special…it’s odd for the 40’s. So on and off wolfman is their gardener and has feelings for Lenora. Worked for Forrest Gump so he has a chance. Cameron sees them interacting and has him leave the garden and go to the lab to be a subject of SCIENCE! So he has the guy strapped down and turns him into a werewolf again. Then he lets the guy out and he wanders as a werewolf. So in other words he wanders around a fake forest with lots of fog. So they cut to some house in the middle of the woods with a guy and his family. The little girl wants to play with her ball. This does not bode well. Then a random hunter shot at the wolfman and the hunter gets away and into the house, while he is chased. Then the wolfman sneaks in through the girl’s window and I assume he kills her! Before the family can see it the wolfman is already gone and back at the lab. Cameron turns him back and he once again thinks he had a bad dream again. Some guy walks in and Cameron welcomes him. White suit, white skin, black tie, slicked to the side hair, and cheeky grin. I’ve got my money on a bet that he’s a reporter and I know I’m gonna win. Yes he is! We’ve lined up the cast. Man made monster, doctor, doctor’s daughter, and the reporter. Sounds like a 40’s monster movie. Well they talk about a story and a DEAD CHILD! Jesus 1930 – 50’s movies what’s up with you and dead little girls! Our ‘genius’ reporter thinks it a giant lizard. No, no that’s in about 3 seasons! Well that scene was almost pointless. Then I guess Cameron goes to the house of one of the doctors who doubted him and he tries to gloat to him about his success. Then Cameron brings the wolfman to the other doctor and doesn’t show him transform. He leaves the guy with the other doctor and he calls one of the other skeptical doctors. The two talk exposition for a bit and the other doctor talks to the wolfman for more exposition. Cameron is shown with some other guy in the middle of the forest and they walk back to the other doctor’s house. The doctor inserts the potion in the wolfman and he slowly transforms as Cameron is on his way and almost has a heart attack. The wolf effect is muttonchops and a beard combo with fake fangs. Hilarious. The werewolf stealthily gets up and strangles the doctor. He screams so loud that Cameron, the other guy, and some cop can hear him and sprint. They’re too late, but Cameron takes his potion and leaves. The reporter shows up at the scene of the crime and they are all shacked at this strangling. So back at Cameron’s house the wolfman was changed back and know he is making creepy faces at Lenora and gets the feeling he is told to do terrible things. Cameron walks on, slaps him, and tells him to go to his room. Ugh…I hate that they make characters like the wolfman. Watch it and you’ll understand. He seems very…dim. His daughter and him argue for a moment, but they get over it and talk about how awesome he is. Then the reporter (I think) meets with the dead girl’s dad and we get nothing from it. This scene was pointless. Then we see Cameron open up the door to see the werewolf?! He doesn’t even need the transformation potion now! He keeps threatening him into submission with a whip and makes him human again. 3rd verse same as the rest skip this wake up scene! So the reporter is STILL talking to this guy and they’re just talking about a scene we already saw. The reporter shows up to Cameron’s house then loudly talks about his suspicions. Now he has to die! No he doesn’t, but another Doctor shows up. She congratulates Cameron so he might not die. Cameron goes crazy about how he can control evolution and be god. The doctor calls him crazy and hopes he will give up his crazy ideas. Okay time for him to die. He leaves with the wolfman apparently and a hunting party is set up to kill the werewolf. He changes into the werewolf and almost kills the doctor and makes the car tip over. I’m assuming the direction was “Stand there and look ‘scary’ at the camera”. The hunters find them and as the wolfman runs off they find out that the doctor was still alive. So they bring him back to Cameron’s house! This won’t end well for anyone. Lenora and reporter conclude that the gardener is the werewolf and he coincidently arrives at the exact same time! Then Cameron poisons the doctor as another skeptical doctor arrives! Jesus Christ it must be this guy’s lucky week! Lenora finds the lab and sees the wolfman! She screams, Cameron and the reporter arrive, reporter throws a chair, and lightning strikes some chemicals, causing a fire, wolfman kills Cameron, and the house burns down. ALL HAPPENIGN WITHIN LIKE TWO MAYBE THREE MINUTES! The End!

A bit of trivia, Glenn Strange, who plays the werewolf, would later take up the role of Frankenstein’s Monster in several of Universal’s movies (House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein). The invention exchange is a Flaming Handbag for Joel and it’s dumb (how do you open it without it burning?). Dr. F’s is a fire-breathing dinosaur for realistic playtime. Also dumb. The next skit is Tom hitting on Joel’s blender…hilarious (Sadly you all can’t hear just how sarcastic I said that!). The next skit is them talking about how all the violence was implied and not shown. It’s decent. Not all that funny. Third skit is OH GOD! Joel switched Tom and Crow’s heads! Absolutely horrible! This movie sucked. The pacing and make up are bad, the story is contrived and coincidental, characters are idiots, and it feels slow as molasses for most of it and the end speeds through like a goddamn bullet! The riffs aren’t that funny either with less chuckles or laughs that the previous two. Robot Vs The Aztec Mummy was a worse movie, but this is the worse episode.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 2/10

Favorite Riff – “Peitro could you give me a hand. My thumbs are stuck in my jacket – oops I’m fine.”

Possible Stinger – Doctor screaming and being heard by the others in the forest.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzOse9bqUOY

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xi8SWRlcmN0

102 – The Robot Vs The Aztec Mummy. Short: Commando Cody Part 1

First the short. USA energy facilities are being destroyed by an unknown weapon. The head of federal security visits Commando Cody and his colleagues to get help with the investigation. Cody and crew have invented a “rocket suit” which Cody uses for his missions. It’s just the Rocketeer suit. Using the rocket suit, Cody thwarts a train sabotage and discovers a ray gun. Cody and crew speculate that the ray gun uses technology never before seen on Earth. They focus their attention on the moon, where ‘unusual amounts’ of atomic activity have been detected. Cody and crew take their rocket ship to the moon to investigate. Once on the moon, they find a hidden city, and Cody encounters Retik, Ruler of the Moon. Retik tells Cody about his plans to invade Earth. He also tells Cody about the element “lunarium,” which he will use to conquer the Earth. Cody fights the Moon men in an effort to escape, as Retik tries to disintegrate him with a ray gun blast. Will he survive? Tune in next time! Same Rocket time, same Rocket Channel!

Now the movie. This apparently the third movie in the franchise! Shocking I know. So the Doctor gives us a primer on what happened in the previous two movies. There are some legendary Aztec treasures and no one believed in them. So he hypnotized a girl so she would dream about her previous Aztec life. So the girl was a special maiden who had to stay a virgin, but she loved an Aztec warrior. So he was buried alive and cursed for eternity. So after using stock footage for like five minutes they finally say she was sacrificed, while wearing the sacred Aztec stuff. She then gets her heart cut out and the girl wakes up screaming and they thought she died. She got better and they look around the ruins as the play more stock footage. Jesus it already has more stock footage than a Godzilla movie! They reach the bottom of the temple and they find the girl’s former body with shockingly good lighting for being at the bottom of a burial tomb. They steal the golden breastplate and leave I guess. They forgot the bracelet though so they go back. CUE STOCK FOOTAGE! They find it, but like dumbasses they wake up the mummy of the warrior. Unsurprisingly if you shine a flashlight in its face it flips out and goes blind. They escape and cut back to the current time. So they proceed to shoot new foota- Wait I guess we can use more stock footage. Jesus Christ this movie is so lazy! Okay so the mummy came to his house to take the treasures back and kidnaps the girl. The mummy wants to sacrifice her to his god, but the others rush in to save her (By rush they mean walk at a somewhat brisk pace). Oh and standing perfectly still as the mummy finishes the prep for the sacrifice. Then the main scientist/narrator shoots the dagger out of the mummies hand. It starts to strangle him, but one of the guys shoves a cross in his face. So the power of Christ compels him? So after the doctor was saved by religion they untie the girl and flee without the other guy. They go start to go back for him, but he tosses a stick of dynamite in a nearby fire and kills himself to bury the mummy in rubble. Apparently there was an informant that was involved and escaped from prison, captured the Aztec future girl and the doctor’s daughter. Say it with me here this triggers another goddamn flashback! The doctor does a thing involving the mummy for the informant and instead of setting them free he tries to kill them for outliving their usefulness. Then the mummy swoops in to save them! Somehow! It pushes a guy and he breaks down and cries. Hilarious. Watch the mummy flip tables! Also hilarious. Then the mummy carries the informant off and throws him into a pit conveniently filled with rattlesnakes. Then he walks off with his crap. Some cops investigate the informant’s hideout and everything and everyone is gone! Apparently the informant survived rattlesnakes and got away in a secret compartment. Okay then they go back to real time then just jump cut to another flashback! This time it shows that the informant has psychic powers to make the other girl walk out to his car. He uses her to find the mummy and they drive off. They go to a graveyard and look for the mummy, but are held up by a Mexican grave keeper. Whom the informant’s bodyguard promptly knocks out. He was pointless. They find the grave with the mummy and they threaten to destroy the body. So apparently the guy who was pushed fell on some chemicals and burned his face. Cause science! He wants the stuff first, and then the guy can kill the mummy. Why doesn’t he just destroy him then take the stuff? They do realize they can’t fight him so they withdraw for the moment. So they bring the girl back to the house and…Wait…was that last scene just a flashback or no? It really did seem like one! They jump cut to the girl walking down the stairs to the house and they have breakfast! Was that last scene a flashback?! HOLY CRAP THAT WAS NEW FOOTAGE AND NOT JUST TAKEN FROM THE FIRST TWO! HALLELUJAH!!! So they come to the conclusion that the informant (now called the Bat) has taken over her body to find the mummy. They are right. So they analyze the mud on her slippers to find out where she was. Apparently they have to be discrete about it for some reason. They find out she did indeed go to the crypt! The good doctor goes to investigate and after two minutes of wandering aimlessly they are relieved to find that the treasures are still there. WAIT! THAT WAS STILL A FLASHBACK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!    Uh…Okay then they reveal that Bat had stole a body and a brain. They doctor and some other guy goes searching for Bat’s hideout and its super scientific. The sneak in, but are caught by melt face guy. They are brought to Bat who explains his evil plan. Make a robot to fight the mummy and defeat him so he can take the artifacts for himself. A lighter and gasoline would be much easier. So Bat and the Robot leave to fight the mummy. Get ready to see the dull battle of the century! That lasts half a minute. The result is the mummy destroying the robot in a curb stomp battle and Bat being killed with melt face guy. Then the Aztec reincarnation just shows up! She tells the mummy to leave now and never come back.

The invention exchange is the Chalkman a record player that plays nails on a chalkboard. Joel’s is airbag helmet. Dull. Dr. Forester’s was better. The short is not my taste. Sure I love Campy Sci-Fi, but I don’t like the old serials. The sketches aren’t funny. A bunch of red fish bones called Demon Dogs attack the SOL and pee on them. This goes on for all the sketches. This movie sucks! It’s 80% stock footage and you only see the Robot for like the last ten minutes. This is like watching the series re-cap to a TV series you’ve never seen before. The robot effect is garbage as well. I shouldn’t have even been made. The riffs aren’t even that funny. Only a few jokes made me laugh out loud and only a bit more made me chuckle or smirk. Nothing makes sense! Don’t watch it!

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 1/10

Favorite Riff – ‘Flora’s father held a cross in his face’ “Which is odd considering he’s Jewish.”

Possible Stinger – Robot walking around aimlessly as they watch.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXD-SHbwyU
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhsFAt9ju2o Spliced in with a much better movie.


101 – The Crawling Eye


The movie starts out on a mountain by showing us a bunch of guys climbing it.  Two of the guys are wearing turtlenecks…smart dressing at least they’ll be fashionable in death. Then suddenly one of the hikers freaks out, falls, and is dropped by the others when they saw that he had no head. Apparently he LOST HIS HEAD (Pun totally intended)! Okay so the credits role by with arrows pointing around at all the credits…as if we could miss the large text. Then we are introduced to a girl, her sister, and a dude. The younger sister looks at the mountain and she falls right in the dude’s lap. Then he gives her his flask. Not kidding. They get off on a different stop with the dude and they meet his friend. As they drive to a hotel the other guy offers them a cigarette and after they both decline he says he doesn’t smoke. Then why does he have them? They arrive and meet more Eye Creature foo- I MEAN characters. Okay the jump cuts are really noticeable. Almost as noticeable as a future notorious movie on the show. It will randomly cut back to the same scene when the dialog is done. The guy meets with a scientist and they talk about science, clouds, and the headless dude. This causes concern for the doctor, but not the other guy. The hikers rest for the night and bad thing they left the hotel, cause there’s’ a party going on! At this point I realized that the sister is psychic. She sees one of the hikers leave the cabin then faints. They call the fat hiker. He looks around for his friend and he opens the door to see the monster AND they cut away to the people trying to keep contact! That is how you build suspense! Then I think he dies…but the cloud moved away from the hut and towards them! *Lightning crash!* They go up to the hut to find the hikers leaving the girls alone with some other guy. The psychic sees the guys climb the mountain. They find the fat guy and he also lost his head. The sisters talk about how they’ll be leaving, but the psychic girl doesn’t want to leave. The girl flees and the guys get a helicopter for the body. They find a bag full of blood and I guess one of the hikers tries to attack them and kills two guys with a pickaxe! They arrive at the observatory and meet the Psychic girl there. The scientist concludes that the cloud has it’s own atmosphere because….I don’t know the Kool-Aid man is red. The murderous hiker comes back and he looks like he needs a good stiff drink. Not kidding that’s the first thing he asks for. They give him a cigarette and like the drink he’s too shaky to use it right. Quote from Joel, “What are they gonna do next? Make him drive a forklift?” Then he tries to kill psychic girl because reasons and he falls face first on a dog statue killing him! Turns out he has no blood! That explains why he couldn’t drink. Then he’s not dead I guess. He wakes up and strangles a guy walking past her room. Crazy Hiker – 3. Killer Eye – 2. He goes walking around with a cleaver as the non-psychic sister walks around and sees him. He tries to kill the psychic, but they shoot him. Then he melts! Like a Popsicle, he was frozen and now he’s a skeleton. Huh. To make things better they go up to the safe observatory, but one of them is smart and just drives off. Good thing they left cause the Crawling Eye reaches the place and we finally see it! Pretty good effect too! A Giant Brain with a single large eye and tentacles. And a kid is about to die! That would be incredibly ballsy for 1950’s, but they get away fine. So the cloud moves up with the eyes. That’s right multiple of them! They use Molotov Cocktails to kill/wound the eyes to stall until the air raids. They throw some, they light on fire, shot of airplane. For the next 4 minutes. So the air raid falls and the eyes die, but the people are unharmed. Okay that’s one tough observatory. Everyone’s happy and the psychic runs off with some guy.

The invention exchange was funny in Dr. Forester’s side. It was an injection to stop sweating by adding dog DNA to a human. They don’t sweat, but they start acting like dogs. Kind of funny side effect if you ask me. Joel’s was an electric bagpipe and those suck. The first skit sucks. It’s the bunch joking about the losing his head joke that the episode and I made. The robots don’t get human heads. The next skit is them extending Gypsy’s wire. Not funny. Third skit is taking about how the zombie dude is scarier than the CE. Just another confused skit about explaining the joke. Honestly the episode itself is funny enough and the movie isn’t that bad. Sadly this trend may hold for the rest of the season considering my distaste for it. The jokes were fine, but the movie was all right unlike a lot of junk on the show this one looks to have an actual budget. The jokes don’t fall flat most of the time, but I was laughing more at the beginning or middle. Joel and the bots narrating the scenes are kind of funny at times. The effects were fine and story went along smoothly. The problem was the previously mentioned cinematography and the pacing. They eyes are unseen for the whole movie and when they do they all die within 7 minutes. The episode was fine. Really lightens my spirit for the rest of the season.

Episode Rating – 5/10

Movie Rating – 6.5/10

Favorite Riff – “These four brave men!” “Ahhh!” “Uh Three brave men!” “Ahhhh!” “These two brave men climbing the mountain shall go down in the annals of history!”

Possible Stinger – Crawling Eye charging at the camera.

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXAfJ1QYQUM

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjJUkLoIPII