A Bert I. Gordon film! Our film of the hour starts with military people driving down a road and a narrator talks about detonating a plutonium bomb. Our titular Colossal Man is normal sized and is hiding in trenches with some other men as the countdown hits zero, but it’s an Amazing Colossal Dud. The soldiers chat for a bit, but they hear a plane flying above them. The plane flies in circles then crashes near the bomb. Our Average Regular Man jumps out of the trench to save the pilot, but the bomb finally decided to explode. He survives, but has massive burns on his body so I assume this bomb sucks at mass murder. A woman asks a nurse how he’s doing, but gets no response. A reporter walks up to her and chats about it to her and we learn she’s his fiancé. They talk about how he should be dead, they were supposed to get married the same day, and that they met because she’s a crappy driver. The doctors pessimistically talk about how they can do nothing to help him and how he is gonna die in the morning.
The doctors continue to be pessimistic as his fiancé asks for confirmation. We get a shot of watching our Horrible Burned Man and we get a long shot of the doorframe as the doctors come to cut the bandages off. We see the man is perfectly fine. So now we see the bomb is worthless because it regenerates skin tissue! The fiancé is overjoyed! We finally learn the man’s name is Glen and we learned that he might have survived because of the bomb explosion. They watch a recording of the bomb and it destroys a model home then we see the burning of Glen. Someone visits the fiancé and tells her that she won’t be able to visit Glen. When she asks why he just says it was classified. Well that scene had a load of purpose. She goes anyway to see him, but he’s gone. We then learn her name is Carol when she asks about his whereabouts. She doesn’t learn his new local and ask about the doctor who treated him. So Carol looks through the records and runs off. She drives to a military hospital and they let her pass. They say he isn’t here, but she keeps going anyway and just starts trying doors. She hears the doctor and another man talking about Glen and she sneaks by when they leave. She sees that Glen grew at least triple his regular size, screams, and then faints. They explain that the government wanted to keep hush, hush on the growing man. He gives some scientific explanation that the body just keeps growing and renewing while the old cells refuse to die. We see a flashback to Glen and Carol hanging out as the Korean War started. We see a plane crash and Glen’s war buddy getting stabbed in the back. Then we see another flashback of him kissing Carol and then a flashback of the bomb. He finally wakes up and inspects his tiny room. I’d hate to see his toilet. Glen obviously takes it poorly and they decide to move him into a tent. Carol talks to him for a while and he asks why he has to live with this. Then we see a news report of a man explaining stuff, then it just cuts away and we see the doctor holding a bunny. He stands over another doctor and they inject the bunny with stuff. I assume these are the bunnies from Night of the Lepus. Glen is shown talking to Carol and it’s a good thing they always give him bigger and bigger shorts.
He talks about the irony of his college yearbook saying he’ll reach the top. The doctor talks to her about how having her there is giving Glen troubles. They go back to the lab and we see Glen go to his new tent home. It certainly is roomy. They give him a tiny book and I’d love to imagine its BFG for irony. A man brings him food and Glen starts talking to him. He tries reading the paper and he starts laughing.
He gets mad at the prospect of living. Glen laughs a bunch then he convulses in pain. The doctor and Carol talk about science stuff and that his heart was growing much slower. He also says the heart is made up of only one cell. Crows response, “You’re not a real doctor are you?” Single cell heart this is insane. We see more data being pulled in real time and it’s as boring as it sounds. I’ll admit the soldier I forgot was in the background startled me. Then they start talking in a room with an elephant and camel. Carol visits Glen in the night and they chat for a bit before he convulses again. Glen apparently fled in the night and the other scientist found a cure in the bone marrow. Then we see an awful effect of a tiny elephant and camel. There’s also a giant needle ready for him. What I want to know is how the hell they lost a 50 foot man? They don’t find him. The doctor and a military guy chat about finding Glen and Carol walks in when they mention killing him. She gets upset and he says they’ll only shoot if he shows trouble. She tries to rationalize it, but they ignore her. Two people find Glen just sitting in the street and the alcoholic throws his bottle out the window. I’ll admit that type of joke does get a slight chuckle out of me. Carol gazes longingly out the window and we see the doctor and military dude chatting. Carol pops in and asks for progress. No progress. He just asks her to leave for good. There’s a military briefing and it’s only in here for long and boring paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Now we see a scene in LA and have a random news scene that is once again for some good old fashioned paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Glen stops in LA and everyone sees him and freak out. He looks in a window to see a woman bathing and he punches her window. Glen pulls a fake crown off a building and puts it back.
Is he gonna do the same with the giant high heel? He is…must I repeat myself? This entire last 15 minutes is slow and boring. Then a guy shoots him to liven up the mood I think. The helicopters finally find him and he stops by a dam. They inject him, but he throws it down the needle and it kills the military dude. He snatches up Carol and goes to the end of the dam. We see an awful shot of her in his hands and when he puts her down they shoot him a bunch and he falls off the dam and into the ravine. He has a hilarious fall and it abruptly ends. The intro skit is Joel trying to get Crow and Tom out of their cardboard hideout to do their chores. Kinda funny. Invention exchange is a plant that reviews music for the Mads and Joel’s is a non-permanent tattoo that can be drawn on a paper wax-board and changed for your newest girlfriend. Both were pretty funny. Next skit is Joel teaching the Bots how to be nice to a spouse when her fiancé is suffering from an awful injury. The Bots aren’t having any of this. Middle skit is Joel turns a 50 feet tall and the Bots ask him random questions. Joel gets mad at them for misunderstanding humans and crap. Not funny. Last skit is my ever so favorite joke ever. Glen WALKS up to the Satellite. It doesn’t start out that way. It starts with them chatting about what they’d ask him. Mike Nelson plays Glen and he brings a bit of snark to the role. He says he does minor giant bald guys role and he stops for a sec to eat a cow. They reference the Vegas scene that didn’t happen at this point. He then quotes the movie and has a heart convulsion. I’ll admit this one actually kinda funny. It got some chuckles out of me. Last skit is Joel and the bots talking about what they would have done in the LA scene. This episode was…eh. It had some funny moments, the sketches were mostly funny, and the person hanging out with the SoL was kinda funny. The movie itself has lots of problems with padding and the acting is kinda stilted sometimes. Carol irritated me a times due to how much he was butting into business when her husband might have had radiation poisoning. Also they should have scrapped that bomb. It regenerated a man and he grew to massive size! We don’t want to use that on our enemies! If the episode were on TV I wouldn’t turn it off.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – (From the skits) “Think of it. You’re stranded in space, you’ll never see your family again, and when the orbit on the satellite decays you’ll be burnt to a crisp, but you never hear us talk about it when you’re around!” or (from the movie) ‘Well you’re a doctor, tell me!’ “No, no, no I’m only a vet.”
Stinger – Glenn cracks up and then convulses.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-w2Q0UkkDM
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgpv7_4uonQ
Back to Gamera. The pattern is we see a Japanese Sandy Frank for every even number until episode 318. We see a news crew talking about Gamera really, really fast. Then we cut to an expressway project. They need to force people of their farmland they won’t leave the land. There’s also an eruption going off. Then we’re introduced to our comic relief builders. They aren’t funny by the way. A plane flies over the volcano and a bunch of lasers come out of it. One hits the plane and makes a clean cut through the middle and it crashed into the volcano. The builders arrive and the farmers stop protesting them. A girl shows up and tells them to leave quickly. Going by previous movie logic she is from a group of wise people who know of the monster! Then a guy on a motorcycle goes up to the volcano and the men get to destroy the builder’s site and this is so they’ll pay them more of the land or they’ll just give up. The girl asks where her brother was and her grandma says he went off a while ago. Oh no….I have a strong sense that we are close to the little kid of the movie. We see the builders aren’t really put off by the destruction of their site. They just move on. Then we see a bright blue light from the mountain and a weird smell. The people suspect its gold and think that’s why the farmers wont give up the land. The guy on the motorcycle was a reporter and he sees the kid. Ugh… The kid is annoying and is slightly less annoying than Kenny. His name is Itchy (Really he should just be Kenny) so I guess his sister’s name is Scratchy.
They find the glowing room and they see Gaos. The reporter just kind of leaves the kid, which I find quite hilarious due to how annoying he is. Then Gaos eats him. Cut to the builders in the middle of the woods not hearing or seeing him. Gaos looks really cool. He’s a giant bat like monster and he has to drink blood.
It was his lasers that destroyed the plane. Then Gamera shows up and the two duke it out. Now the builders see the giant monsters as Gaos takes the kid and doesn’t eat him! The lasers hit Gamera and boy does he bleed. His arm never comes off, but he’s repeatedly getting slashed in the same spot.
Gamera saves the kid and knocks Gaos away with his fire before Gamera flies away with the kid oh his back. The kid does not fall off or die though. The lead builder helps them both down and the music is so sad. Like Gamera just got his ass whipped and he’s hurting like hell. The kid becomes famous for riding on Gamera’s back and seeing Gaos. He says that the laser cut Gamera’s leg, when it really cut his arm. He’s saying this at a goddamn MILITARY MEETING! Also the name is given by the kid because that’s what his roar sounds like his saying. Don’t hear it. They claim the laser is loud roar that is so loud it can slice through anything. They come to the conclusion that it can’t turn its head so they should attack from behind. Then Gaos comes by and they realize that the green light shows when Gaos is going to get hungry and is about to move. Gaos’ laser humorously slices through the planes perfectly, which is just plane funny (I hate myself for that, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity). The kid talks about how he wishes Gamera’s leg to be healed, but it was his ARM! Also we see the new way how these movies go by. We get the conflict, monster shows up, Gamera loses to said monster, military stuff, annoying kid stuff, maybe a rematch, more military, Gamera comes back and wins. Gaos came by in the middle of the night and ate all the livestock. I was about to make a joke about the cars effects being fake, but this time it was an actual toy car played with by the kid. Also his grandfather is Asian Wilford Brimley. The men leave when for the time being out of fear of the monster and a lack of work. Our hero and comic relief decide to stay. The kid comes down and says that Gaos only comes out at night, but any scientist worth his salt hired to watch Gaos would know this! They now plan to use bright lights to blind Gaos in the night. They light a bunch of fires and shine bright lights to blind and distract Gaos. They wake up and fire off some signals and bright slares. They open fire of Gaos when he should be blinded and they bullets and misses just kind of bounce off him. He also shoots massive windstorms with his wings. Gaos is just the Batman of monsters. He attacks a city and it is funny how he slices a pagoda and train in half. Gaos then eats a bunch of people.
Gaos flies off when everyone turns the lights on. Then we see a hilarious shot of Gaos slicing the car in half and it just keeps going. Gamera shows up for a rematch and we still have 35 minutes left so you know how well this goes. They spend most of their time in the air and Gaos’s laser don’t do anything to his shell, but Goas sends him flying to the ocean and he wins again. The sun starts to rise so Gaos tries to flee, but Gamera has his foot in his mouth so he does the logical thing and slices his foot off. Gamera was also hit in the face by the lasers. That must hurt. The military dudes recover the foot and they start to study it. The foot was bigger and they see it was smaller when they got it to the lab. Gaos also regenerates any lost limbs. Kick ass. Sounds like it hurts though. They have an idea that light makes Gaos grow weaker and shrink in size. They bounce ideas off their head and Itchy wants to talk to the military. They have the weirdest idea EVER. They get a giant bowl of blood for Gaos to drink, but then they have a giant platform to rotate at an extreme speed to make Gaos so dizzy he doesn’t realize its day. Just mix a crap ton of Jägermeister and he won’t be able to flap his wings! Then the men accept the offer to the bridge just as they don’t know about business yet. The villagers get pissed for a second, but there’s a goddamn GIANT BAT MONSTER! Time and place! Gaos falls for this and by god is it dumb. How long is the night? Or do they plan to have him spin for an entire six or eight hours? “Just one minute till the sunrises.” HOW LONG WAS HE THERE!? The spiny thing’s engines explode and he stops burning. Then he releases….Yellow gas out of his crotch area. Something that’s annoying is that in both this and Barugon they have a fantastic plan, but it just fails. Gamera shouldn’t be needed in these scenarios and he just happens ot have more screen time in this one due to the kid. Anyway back at the village they tell the old guy that he was demanding too much money for the land and that they decided to relocate the bridge. They are rightly pissed at him because they wanted to sell the land anyway and now they can’t. Then the kid runs out crying and calling them all greedy. Uh kid they just got done saying grandpa wanted more money. I think you’re in the wrong camp. The daughter asks them to forgive the grandfather and I guess she’s right in her approach. The kid says Gamera should have no problem beating Gaos (Yet he’s lost twice already) and that he should come by and kill all the dudes who were mean to grandpa. Ah the Children of Gamera cult rears its filthy, loud, annoying head once again. They burn down the valley and mountain drawing Gamera and Gaos out. The two duke it out some more and Gamera wins this time. During the fight Gaos almost slices Gamera’s tail off. This is just depressing how easily his ass get kicked by Gaos. Several times during the fight they almost destroy the main building with out heroes. Gamera gains the edge by throwing and easily removable rock in his mouth. Gamera bites his neck and he bleeds strawberry yogurt. He wins by grabbing Gaos and dragging him to a volcano. He dies as he burns in the sunlight and on the lava. Then they sell the land and the bridge shall be made. Everyone wins! Opening skit is the bots annoying Joel with raspy voices. Not funny. The Mads’ invention is Self-Image Printers (Franks is clown and Dr. F’s is Ms. Ohio) and Joel’s is Fax Machine-Kleenex Dispenses. Then while introducing the movie Frank becomes Gamera and Dr. F becomes Gaos. Next skit is Joel trying to show us how to make a Gaos costume. The bots just keep disrupting him however. Not funny. Next skit is just odd they’re shown to be doing a Die Walküre esk show, but…with Gamera. It’s only on for like a minute before commercial. This skit makes NO sense! Next skit is also dumb. It’s Joel in his Gaos costume spinning plates. Eh. Last skit is Joel and the bots talking about how stupid the blood dizzy plan. Episode wise this is the weakest of them all, but film wise this is the best “Gamera” movie. I still think if you cut Gamera of vs. Barugon it would be the best one as stand alone movie, but this one is good enough aside from the annoying kid. The jokes fall flat, the skits aren’t all that funny, and it was a bit of a snore fest considering this is A: the third Gamera movie and B: the fourth Sandy Frank movie. I promise the next SF movie is the best one of all, but when it comes to Gamera. It’s all down hill from here. I’d skip this one.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating –6/10
Favorite Riff – “He threw these models? They were in the last scene!”
Stinger – The comic relief guys make weird faces.
Alternate Stinger – Gaos slicing the car in half.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLx65N0U4kg
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vL1GEK60f4
I have seen the eyes of the devil. This movie is proof that god exists cause there is a devil! And he goes by the name of Derek Savage with his False Prophet Cool Cat! Also the cop was in A LOT OF PORN! My jokes about Pedophilia might have been true! This movie is so poorly edited, so poorly acted, bad audio, awful music, GOD AWFUL SINGING, terrible “special effects”, and an annoying ass preaching about bullying and how awesome Cool Cat is! I was laughing and screaming every time he was on screen! He was with kids all the time and I felt he should be nowhere near kids! There was an awful twenty minute scene of him just driving and walking down a parade. Vivica Fox and Eric Estrada are in this and both have contempt filled faces that just says “I’m getting paid…RIGHT!?” This was a truly awful experience. This makes Monster a Go-Go look like goddamn Citizen Kane!
Final Verdict: -3/10 Furry Masks.
First the short. First one we’ve had in a long time. Just listing off the alphabet and random things for the letters. Okay the Santa Cat was cute. They also pick stupid things like H – Holland, I – In, L – Large, N – Nursery Stories, O – One (Quoth Tom – “O is for the Obscene treatment of animals!), Q – Queer, Queer Pelican, T – Trying, U – Up, W – Walking, and Y – You/ng. But then again my alphabet consists of W – Wizard, N – Necromancy, V – Violence, Z – Zealots, and P – Pneumonia. Now the movie.
John Willaim’s first movie. Same guy who did the score of Star Wars and Indiana Jones…did Daddy-O. Well they have to start somewhere. At least the movie will have a good soundtrack. Our main character is a truck driver, but a reckless driver cuts him off and traffic goes array. They constantly cut each other off and when they park he pulls the driver out to see a girl. The girl makes up a lie about him being an obnoxious ass and trying to hit on her and these three dudes buy it! This already hurts…Then we see our hero in a club with his buddies. One of the dudes is very quiet and not interacting with them. Then the girl from before walks in. Our main Phil is not pleased. Then Phil starts singing as our villains walk in. His singing is okay. However our villains and future love interest/lady I already hate are impressed.
That face is so slap able
The quiet kid is more nervous now and the villains look over to them and ask the bar tender what Phil’s job is. Everyone talks for a bit and it’s very, very boring. The only thing of relevance is the quiet kid gives Phil a key. Our leads go our to have a drag race and the girl cheats and wins. By cheats I mean she almost shoves him off a cliff, but into a car and he loses his truck-driving job. Swell. I couldn’t care less about what’s going on now. The quiet kid drives off and our villains run him off the road and he dies. By runs off the road I mean the editing makes the car fall of a cliff and burst into flames. I just don’t like anyone Phil is dull and I just want to slap the main girl. The editing is GOD AWFUL! The cuts are just flat out awful and the editing is shotty at best. The cops show up and arrest Phil for almost hitting the guy’s car. This is the 50’s I’d have smacked her. He’s also charged for killing the quiet kid. He is let go of the charge of manslaughter is released, but he still loses his license and job. The cop offers Phil a job at the station. He believes the girl (I think her name is Janet) killed the guy (maybe named Sonny). He breaks into her house to see if she did it and sees her car damaged. She admits she didn’t kill him because it would have had more damage on it. We learn the key is for Phil’s gym locker and the guy in charge of the gym Bruce won’t let him clean of the locker. He gives the key over to Bruce when he doesn’t let him leave. This won’t end well. The two go back and for some reason the two are partners in crime…I guess just because of the fact that eh can’t drive. Phil is also less stealthy than a giant in chainmail. Also the shot is almost as dark than the Tomb of Giants. Bruce and the fat villain open up the locker and they pull out his jockstraps and they pull out a book. Bruce turns on the shower and barely misses seeing out heroes.
Fantastic. Our duo looks inside the locker and Phil wisely says, “Whatever it is. We missed it!” He says this, moments after they see them open up the locker and pull stuff out and don’t put it back. Genius. They also think a cigar cylinder is a clue…that he smokes a cigar. We abruptly cut to the next scene where the fat guy gives him a job. We don’t even get to hear the job proposal the scene just cuts. Then footage of driving. I can’t believe I’m saying that I miss the annoying Gamera kids. We see BY GOD NO! I DON’T WANT TO SEE THE FAT GUY GETTING MASSAGE MOMENTS AFTER HE GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER, WHILE IN A TOGA! They need someone to make the deliveries so why don’t they get some other guy who’s not suspicious of them to drive the damn cars. Fats gives Phil a car to sweeten the deal. Phil takes the job and starts singing under the pseudonym of Daddy-O. Janet breaks into his house this time to apologize for being a b- no to admit she loves him for some reason. They make-out for a second and cutaway to post sex afterglow conversations. Janet gets a job as cigarette girl so she can be closer to him and to help investigate. However she acts like a frigid b___ to him. More terrible singing later he kisses some other girl.
Then Fats has Phil drive and deliver a package from Mexico. How does this not tip him off that he is doing massively illegal things. He takes the job and he has to stop and throws it out the window. Cut back and I guess it went off without a hitch. He wins Fats’ approval and Bruce gets jealous I guess. Also he has to use a pseudonym for his pseudonym. He another job for them and almost gets caught. This would be so tense if I actually cared. He gets shoved a car by a dude with a gun and they drive off. He’s interrogated and beaten up over money that Fats stole. Still don’t care. They return and throw Phil out of the car and he talks with Janet. Why don’t we call the cops? Oh right so that good cop doesn’t see him beat up. Then says they should call the cops. The delivery was dope and Sonny was given $5000 when he double-crossed Fats. Fats meets with some dudes and Bruce catches the duo. Phil makes one last deal and has Phil get some money. Bruce tells him to stop and get out so he can drive to Mexico, but Bruce quickly gets his ass kicked without his glasses or gun. Instead of shooting Janet he tries to suffocate her by throwing her in the steam room tries to suffocate her. Instead of just shooting him he lets Phil run off. Bruce SOMEHOW gets back to the base and gets new glasses, then releases Janet so she could drive him to Mexico. What follows is a long and boring of three minutes of people driving, looking around, and pushing stuff. In the end Bruce is arrested, Janet is saved, Fats is knocked out, and everyone meeting up somehow. All with very, very, very bad editing. The end.
Opening skit is Joel and bots chilling out at the water cooler. Kind of nice to see them relaxing and joking around. Invention exchange is air freshener mobile for nurseries and the Mads’ is the Alien Teething Nook, which is a facehugger. Eh. Next skit is the Pants Up Song. Somewhat funny. Middle skit is Tom and Crow reenacting the race from the movie only with more casualties. Not funny. Next up we have a stupid skit about spit takes and NO! NO! NO! NO! *Deeply sighs in rage* Bruce from the movie pulls up next to the SoL and chats for a bit before leaving! You know my feeling about this already. They replay the “want some” scene where Phil slaps a fruit out of Janet’s hand. They read a bunch of letters and it ends. The episode is not funny and the movie sucks. All I can say is that it didn’t feel all that long. I just went by. I don’t like these kinds of movies solely because I don’t like any of the characters or the story. This is just not my kind of movie and the editing is so god-awful. The music sucks, but really it’s his first so he’s forgiven. Skip it.
Episode Rating – 2/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “P is for PEDA who protesting this!”
Stinger – Bruce being extremely unhelpful, “Couldn’t help ya if I wanted to, fella. Gym policy.”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bk1h_pCbdM
I was honestly surprised that this episode wasn’t Gamera vs. Gaos, but hey it’s a break. This time it’s Japanese Planet of the Apes! No really. It was originally a 26 episode series that was converted to an hour and a half long movie. Fantastic idea. That certainly won’t include lots of plot holes and make no sense. The opening credits are just pictures of apes. Its admittedly kind of funny. Then we get out view of one of our heroes. The awfully dubbed Japanese child named Johnny. Then his friend Caroline shows up and as she and Johnny are about to leave and earthquake happens. It passes quickly, but when his mother says its to dangerous. Johnny simply says, “I don’t care.” They run off with his parents not caring either I guess. They get driven to a science place and they meet the doctor lady Kathryn.
They talk about Cryosleep experiments and are allowed to walk right into places. We see some science stuff and we see an animal get unfrozen. They talk about how a human was frozen and they reversed the aging process so he might wake up healthier than when he died. Huh. The trio goes to a room with human pods. Kathryn asks Johnny not to touch anything, but he does. Johnny goes inside one and an earthquake/volcanic eruption sends them all in pods putting them all to sleep for many years. They wake up in the future and see APES! Well after wandering for a little bit. Several slam zooms later they run from the apes. They get captured by the Ape Cops and hare tied to a tree. An ape guard feels their hair and we see our evil ape that wears cowboy boots. They blindfold the humans and bring the to a cliff. I believe them throw them off the cliffs. Saves bullets I guess. No they bring them to a quarry and untie their bonds. They run off into the quarry and into a forest avoiding bullets. Would have been easier by shooting them when they got to the quarry. The apes can also speak English. The trio crawls across the bottom of a bridge to reach the other side. They find a house and break inside it to find a young ape living inside. They can’t stay for long because people come to chase them out. They young ape let’s the out the back door and they flee into the wood, which the apes don’t go across.
I guess Barugon lives there and they don’t want the opal stolen. Knowing Planet of the Apes a thousand years did indeed pass. We see the evil ape talking to his boss and the forest (Green Mountain) has a human who lives up there that fights against the apes. Johnny falls down, but he’s fine. That scene was pointless. The boss says he’ll kill everyone if they don’t get out heroes. As our heroes travel they find barbwire fences and Johnny is almost killed by spike traps. They also run into a falling rock trap and a net trap. The trio meets the human who set up all the traps. Now they can be a family. They explain the story to him and ask where they are. We hear the man’s name is Godo and he lives in a cave. He says it’s much safer on the mountain because the apes never bother him. Also Caroline is his sister…I just learned that! He also comments about a wound that isn’t there and torn clothes that aren’t torn. The apes try to traverse the mountain, but more traps hit them and when they flee the villain hits them with his rapier of electricity. I like the villain already. The ape kid who helped them before runs up the mountain and a UFO chases him. Japan makes the weirdest stuff… Anyway our heroes are eating and wearing new clothes as Godo shaves his awesome beard. That ape kid works an informant for Godo and he announces the apes are burning down the forest. Godo repels them and kills a lot of the apes. Our heroes are flushed out due to the smoke. Godo runs back to save the little ape kid and they are all held at gunpoint by the other apes. They’re captured and about to executed. However the ape leader comes in and lets them go! When the villain tries to kill him the leader slaps him and Godo away. AND THE UFO IS BACK! WHAT IS GOING ON? Then the leader decides to take them away. This makes no sense! He drives them off into the wastes and stops at a city in the middle of a desert. Godo is brought to monkey jail and is hit in the balls with the butt of a rifle. That must hurt. The trio is allowed to live if they accept are good. Then the kid ape breaks in somehow and save Johnny. The villain sees Godo and monologues about how much he wants to kill Godo. Godo asks for the humans to live and he doesn’t shoot Godo immediately. Johnny jumps on top of him and Godo knocks him out. They trigger an alarm so the trio hides under a grating outside and someone must have seen them. They hop a car and disguise themselves as apes. No one seems to think they’re just a little bit suspicious. The apes interrogate Kathryn and Caroline, but they get no useful info. However we do see the UFO again. I guess it’s a surveillance ship. The good ape just walks through the main guards by saying his dad works there. The good ape sneaks them in with a straw cart and they fool a guard into helping them through by saying he’s tired. They steal a uniform for Godo and they break into the base and embrace in a tearful hug. Kathryn wants to stay here, but everyone else wants to leave and find more humans. Cut to The apes shooting at Godo and crew in front of a very, very fake backdrop. The apes want shoot the nuclear guns at the UFO, but it neutralizes all their weapons. They steal a truck and Johnny steals the keys to the other car. Now it really becomes apparent that it was a series before this. They bring up a group called UCOM and say they want to overthrow the ape overlords, but it has never been brought up before. Then we see an eye-patched ape that apparently betrayed them because he thinks the ape leader is weak. This was never brought up before! Also humans are called Naked Apes and the good ape is also a girl. Then when they leave her the scene ends like the end of an episode. The evil ape shows up to have his ending battle with Godo. I guess this is the last episode. We finally learn that the villain wants to kill Godo because he caused the death of his wife and child. They’re both out of ammo and the UFO arrives again. Also the UFO is shockingly huge! We see a flashback to the villain’s wife and son falling down a gentle slope. Godo actually tried to save them. The wife fell and the villain accidently shot his son when he thought it Godo did it. The leader comforts the villain and he is forgiven after he forgives Godo. Then I actually I assume he kills himself. The leader admits that rebellion shall end and he says they could stay. They decline, keep going, the leader wishes them well, and he grants them safe passage of weapons. The wander in the wastes for a while until they find a building and enter a building in some mountains. A flash of light hits them and Caroline wakes up in a white room. She wanders around and looks for everyone. She is chased by apes and if found by Kathryn before she faints. Some people walk up to them in shadows and we see that they are human. They were just in shock/hallucinating. Johnny was also fine and Godo is not there. I assumed it was a dream because they mentioned people dream in sleep, but then Kathryn finds Godo’s necklace that was never mentioned before. They actually do admit that the ape time actually happened and that Godo vanished. He was sent to another time period, but we only see him wandering in a desert. The end. That sure was fun. Opening skit is Joel and the bots playing baseball on the Satellite of Love. However they break a hole in their hull. Joel’s invention is a cellulite phone that helps people diet somehow. The Mads is a Miracle Baby Growth Formula. Works a bit too well. Neither was that funny. Franks reactions are funny though. Next skit is great. Tom explains why Johnny doesn’t care. He goes into dark explanations and how no one stays long in Johnny’s world and that his mind is terrible thing to release to the world. Goddamn hilarious. Next skit is an interpretation of the Scopes Monkey Trial. It has its very funny moments, but it lacks a lot of focus. Next skit is Crow looking at the fashions of the movie. Surprisingly funny. We also see footage we never actually saw. Last skit is the Sandy Frank Song. It’s sort of funny, but they did it too early and it’s very simplistic. The last Sandy Frank movie is Star Force: Fugitive Alien II and they should have done it then. They could have brought in the entire cast of Gamera monster and sing about how they tried to kill him with a forklift. This movie is fun, but god damn is it dull at times. The slam zoom cuts are absolutely hilarious and the editing is random at best. The cinematography is very shaky for some reason. A comical thing in this movie is how stupid all the guards are. They just let people walk through their bases, don’t see through disguises, are massive cowards, have no peripheral vision, stand around a lot, and barely ever fire their guns. The music is very weird at times too. It’s plays odd pop, jazz, and very goofy music sometimes. There’s a lot plot holes and I really think it works better in the full show. The skits are very funny and the riffs are top notch. I highly recommend it!
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 5/10
Favorite Riff – “Hey you kids behave or I’m turning this plot around!” & every time they say “I don’t care!” Or a variation of “Fling crap!”
Stinger – “Johnny, don’t go. It’s too dangerous.” “I don’t care!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql61L4TgQg8
Starting our movie we see it is brought to us by FVI. Original title is The Stranger. This time the credits are from Prisoners of the Lost Universe. This was originally made to be a TV movie, and released on other ways by way of FVI. Our movie starts with two people in a space shuttle IN SPACE! They talk about their ship having some sort of trouble, but they won’t be able to be rescued for another seven days. They joke about one of the men wanting to sleep with his new wife. They start to talk more, but then their ship hits turbulence in space and the ship goes flying. The screen gets blurry, but then we cut to a hospital. We see our hero Stryker asking for a room with a view and the newspaper. He’s been cut off for two weeks and the doctor gives some bullcrap explanation about not being emotionally well.
One of the men on the ship died and the other is not exposed yet. We see a two-way mirror that has two men spying on them. Stryker suspects that they’re Russian, but the doctor denies it. Stryker talks about talking in his sleep and dreaming about his life. Stryker is heavily suspicious when Boston is brought up. The Doctor and one of the observers talk about inspecting him and how suspicious he is. The observer is monitoring his dreams, but the doctor is just asking him. They’re trying to find out about the space program and personal things about him. Are they Russians?
Regardless Stryker escapes when one of the guys tries to give him an injection and he runs into men trying to hinder his escape. He hides in a science room that they don’t bother to check. He takes a doctor’s clothes and he scares away a nurse. The nurse tells on him, but he’s already escaped through a back door elevator. The guards shoot up the elevator, but he wasn’t in there. Stryker somehow escaped and he talks on the phone about a general in charge or Orlando’s space base. The person on the other end knows none of those things. He was also shot, but I forgot about it as quick as the movie did. He hitchhikes and asks the guy if he knows about Earth. The drive says no and a commercial break. Then we see out villain talking about Stryker to a boardroom meeting. They say he’s from another planet despite him looking and talking exactly like them. He is called a dangerous mental patient to the regular people and the doctor insists that he be caught alive. The villains though says the Perfect Order should kill him because one man can change the course of history. Space Commies! The villain thinks that the Doctor is going to betray the Perfect Order so he is had to take a rest. Back in the car they were apparently driving all night. On a humorous note everyone in this world is left-handed. Then the Space Commie anthem plays everyday. They give a quick announcement about who Stryker is on the radio so he gets out of the car. He goes to a bookstore where he asks for a book about the planet named Terra. He is given a history book and he finds that it’s only 35 years old. The old librarian laments about the older days, but he snaps back and says the current Perfect Order is good. The old librarian gives him a bed to rest in, but when he goes to nap the librarian calls the doctors on him. Stryker patches up his wound and the nurse who tattled on him. He tells her everything there is to know about him and she stays quiet. She says they’ll treat him like a honored guest when a makes a full recovery and he agrees to come back on the condition that he turn himself in to the hospital. He gets in the car and they drive for a while. They stop in the middle of the woods and he admits he lied so he could get away and into a car. The nurse puts on the car phone and the villain hears everything. A car drives by so Stryker distracts them by kissing her.
She slaps him then flees the car instead of trying to knock him out. He wants to go to the closest thing to a capitalist land, but the nearest thing is the hospital. She says they treat the mental patients, but when she brings up her brother she shuts up until he insists. He was essentially a freedom writer, but that’s considered insane. The nurse tuns off the phone because she changed her mind I guess. They drive more and we learn her name is Tina. The villain does a background check on her, but she gets a call. The villain admits to answering to someone and then we see a guy feeding pigs. Man the Perfect Order has an odd chain of command. No this is just some guy that Tina knows. The old guy jokes about pigs being spies and then we seeing the villain’s actual bosses. His boss butters him up, but then he brings up Stryker. They talk about catching him and that it shall be a permanent mark on his clean record.
There is talk of the two planets happening around at the same time and that they are parallel to the other planet. Then there’s watching security cameras. They are supposed to be friends of Tina, but they don’t have a camera in the old guy’s house. We learn that the Perfect Order outlawed religion and that the PO just showed up one day. The young people who apposed the PO are sent to Ward E and are vanished essentially. Then we see the villain go to Ward E to find the doctor. The doctor refuses to speak to the villain and he ignores everything he asks. We see a scar on his head that he was told by the nurse he was considered no further use so they completely lobotomized him.
Stryker talks to the old man about stealing a spaceship to escape the planet and return to Earth. Luckily the old man has all the books to run the ships, but he’s also a drug addict so he has a small withdrawal attack. He has a year left to live and became that way because of being in Ward E. Also Stryker and Ina are instantly in love. She drives off after the kiss and is captured by the villain to find out where Stryker is and they cut to another commercial. The old man gives Stryker a fake name of Alan Drake and says that he wasn’t registered yet. I’m surprised they haven’t recognized him yet considering that these are guards around a space station. They get to the station and the old guy ahs another withdrawal attack so he ahs to get another vial or else he’d be useless. He gets in his car so I guess that he needs to go all the way home, HE DOES! JESUS CHRIST! If he has to go all the way home why not bring some of the crap with you! The villains beat the crap out of Tina and they interrogated her. Maybe they raped her, but I’m not sure. Why are they talking when he has to shoot up, go back, and help Stryker go back to Earth! It’s almost like the plotline of him being a drug addict was worthless. Also Stryker standing out in the hall where people could easily identify him. Someone does so Stryker knocks him out and doesn’t steal his uniform. The old guy returns to the base as Tina follows him and informs to the villains, which leads to a commercial break. By the way I forgot to mention you could clearly see the commercial fades. Styker knocks out the astronaut and takes his uniform.
On a personal note at least Terra has the same gun manufacturers (thats is either a Mauser C96 or the Chinese copy the Shansi Type 17. The stuff you learn for video games!)
Also it sounds like Tina calls Stryker “Neo” despite his first name being Neil. The villain has thoughts if he fails so he confides in his buddy Henry to take over if they send him to Ward E. Tina and Stryker have a ‘heartfelt’ moment, but really it’s just padding and tension. Everyone uses Plymouth Furies apparently on Terra. Old man stupidly shouts “NEIL!” and knocks loudly when he sees the villain. Our hero runs down a boiler room with the villain in chase. Why doesn’t he move? He just sits around waiting to shoot people instead of running. The villain got shot in the arm and Stryker threatens to shoot a gas tank that would kill them all. He jumps off the building into an ocean as the area explodes wounding many and probably killing more. Apparently Tina was lobotomized maybe. The villain wants the corpse found and he drops the bracelet Stryker had. He wakes up on a beach and collapses in the sand. Then he gives us an ending narration when three guys find him. This seems like the start of a TV pilot. The end. Opening skit is Joel turning the bots into a shooting gallery. Not that funny. Both inventions are a variation of the Bang! Gun. Joel’s is an uzi, machete, and dynamite. The Mads is a harpoon gun, nunchuck, and plunger. Next skit is Tom and Crow arguing over there “Tropper’s TV Trading Cards”. Cards based on mediocre TV shows. Not that funny. Next skit is Tom making cookies, Crow had a nightmare about him and Joel wearing weird costumes, and they bring up Ward E from the movie. They give disgusting or odd thing to describe it. Not funny. Next skit is evil mastermind Joel and his hench-Bots planning to kill all of TVs famous detectives. I guess that was kind of funny. The maniacal laughing was fun. The last skit is Joel and Crow trying to sell Stranded in Space as a movie to Tom as a TV series. The Mads compare the similarities between mad science and show business. Not funny. Crow describes the movie as The Fugitive meets Logan’s Run. That is a way to describe it, but that would only work if it were actually a good movie. The movie is slow and boring. It has a good idea, but it’s paced so slowly and it seems too realistic. You could easily set this is Russia and all you’d have to do is give some accents. This seems too Earthly which I guess was the goal considering that it’s Earth’s parallel, but it just didn’t work. It’s hard to explain. The episode and skits aren’t all that funny. Very few lines give me chuckles and I only found the evil men sketch funny because of the evil laughs. The end of the movie had good riffs, but hey. Better late than never. I would not recommend it. It took me 5 episodes to find a bad episode. Great record.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – “I smell a rat. A big, commie rat!” “Can I get some borsch Dr. Stalin?!”
Stinger – Stryker gets slapped.
I love Tarantino! I’ll just admit that I love his movies. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction are two of my favorite movies of all time. This was one of the last shows and Alpine Cinema. STOP THAT! Goddamn Alvin and the Chipmunks 4: The Road Chip (GRRR!) Was put in theaters the same day as star wars (the 18th of december) and this was released about a week later. This is one of the last shows days for Hateful Eight, but NOPE. Road Chip gets to be in theaters beyond next Tuesday! STOP THIS! Also my experience of going there was the most fun. I walked in the 20 blocks to the theater and found myself in a long line for the ticket place with 5 minutes till the movie started. Five minutes pass. I check my phone and another five minutes passed. Check my phone again and ten minutes passed! The line only got longer and after the 2nd five minutes I realized that there was no one at the ticket stand. I stood out in the freezing cold pissed that I was missing the movie and was considering just walking back home. Then the manager came out and said, “All movies between 4:20 and 4:45 are now 5:00 screenings.” Son of a _____! I spent ten minutes warming up in the comic book store and I did check out a cool comic called Monstress. On the plus side I did get an almost empty theater.
Now onto the movie! It was a lot of fun. This is a very Tarantino movie. The music by Ennio Morricone was fantastic (like always), the actors did fantastic (whether they be Tarantino regulars like Samuel Jackson, Tim Roth, and Michael Madsen or some other big actors like Kurt Russell, Bruce Dern, and Jennifer Jason Leigh), the writing was solid, the cinematography was fantastic, the action and violence was fun, and it had good pacing. It follows Kurt Russell as a bounty hunter who has captured JJL to hang her for murder. He sees Samuel Jackson and lets him on. He then meets Walton Goggins as Chris Mannix the new sheriff of the town Kurt wants to hang her in. They stop at an inn and they meet the rest of the characters. They enjoy some banter and racism. There’s a great scene where Samuel Jackson tells the story of how he stripped a racist bastard naked, made him walk through the snow for two hours, and then mare the man suck his dick for a blanket (which he didn’t get). The person he told this too was a racist civil war general for the Confederacy who was also the father of that man. Then Kurt and his stage coach driver die of poisoning. Then Samuel was shot in the balls. Cut to a flashback of three of the characters and Channing Tatum killing everyone in the inn and waiting for Kurt Russell. Channing waits under the floor boards for the entire time and three gunman have been up there the whole time. This raises a massive plot whole. WHY DIDN’T THE KILL KURT SOONER!? He had his back to them for long ass amounts of time before he dies so why didn’t they just kill him, Sam, and Walton earlier!? So Sam survives and after a scene of murder and gunslinging all the gang members are killed. They decide to honor Kurt by hanging JJL just like he wanted to. Then they bleed out during the end credits I guess.
Once again this is a Tarantino movie. If you don’t like Tarantino you will NOT like this movie. It was fun and enjoyable. The last half hour fell apart to me. It had some plot wholes and a lot of the stuff seemed to go nowhere. Come to think of it…The more I talk about the ending it pisses me off! Also the twist that everyone had done it I was a tad disappointed. I preferred them all as random people. Really I still recommend you see it cause it’s still Tarantino, the dialog is still very fun, and Kurt Russell was very fun.
Final Verdict: 7/10 Revolvers.
Yet another Gamera movie. Now in color! Has series won me over yet? Probably not. The movie starts with Gamera escaping the Plan Z rocket, which was hit by a meteor. Also apparently the first movie happened six months prior. He falls down to Earth and attacks a power plant/dam for energy. Then he just flies off. I can only imagine Kenny flipping out about this. However he decides to destroy the dam thus killing lord knows how many people. Then Gamera takes a dirt nap in a volcano. He’s ignored for most of the movie. Then we see two dudes flying a plane. One of the guys talks about quitting so he can gain more experience in flying. Then four or five people in kimonos being covered by branches playing sitars. Then in the next room we see three dudes standing around a table with grenades and guns. The pilot from before enters and talks about working with them to own his own aircraft company. The leader talks about an opal the size of an ostrich egg he hid in a jungle before going to a POW camp. The other guys are skeptic, but they agree due to the possible wealth. They get fake identities and talk about their plan. Don’t know why they’re making such a big deal about this. Next shot us them working on the ship where they’re bossed around by Japanese Mr. T. Then they show up to an island were we are greeted by a lovely group of dancers who are sadly scared away by the helicopter they took.
I’ve always been hesitant about islands in movies, but I can get behind this one.
The trio meets up with the natives and a very beautiful Asian native speaks English/Japanese depending on your version. They meet a doctor who loves the land and the Asian girl Karen is his assistant. The doctor tells them to never go near the cave and its name is Rainbow Valley. The people are forbidden to go there and they all die if they go. Supposedly an evil spirit lives there, but the men ignore them. One of the men fires some warning shots and they run off into the jungle. Then we see the men in the cave and they find the opal and man is it impressive. Then the guy who found it was killed by a scorpion. His death is indeed very funny. Also Jesus Christ that wound infects quickly. In a moment from swelling it turns purple and gets many rashes. This upsets the pilot, but the other guy doesn’t mind due to having the opal and being able to split it more. Our pilot obviously doesn’t trust him with the opal so he asks for the gun. The jerk/obvious evil guy walks off to look for more jewels and the pilot continues to mourn and finds a picture of the dead man’s wife and son. As the pilot continues to mourn the evil guy lights up the grenades via fuse and they explode. The pilot wakes up at the village…making me wonder how he got there considering that they don’t go into the jungle and cave. E looks out the window to see them praying. The doctor comes in and he talks about the opal and the fact that it isn’t an opal. The opal burns out of the bag holding it and it starts become white and yellow with heat. It moves around and it breaks open to show a small lizard like monster. This is baby Barugon. We see the man who took the opal playing cards on the boat and the boat begins to shake violently as Barugon breaks a hole in the ship. This is on the water and it shall contradict what we know later. Then the boat explodes as the people jump off. The man lies to the person who hired them saying his brother (the pilot) died with the man with the family. Barugon becomes giant sized and comes from the water once again confusing me because of reasons later explained. Barugon is different from the Godzilla monster Baragon, but not by very much. They have very similar names and have very lizard like appearances. While Baragon has next to no powers, Barugon has some cool stuff up his sleeve. He has a horn, long and spiked tail, has an extending tongue, and he can even shoot ice from his count to parallel Gamera. He has another attack, but that’s a secret.
Barugon and Baragon. Two totally different monsters.
The brother wants to wait for the monster to leave, but the other man wants to go now. The brother wants to leave, but the man is very insistence. The man admits to killing two men for some reason and the brother gets furious and starts beating him with his crutch. They get into a struggle until the man wounds the brother and his wife. He takes the money from the apartment and runs. Barugon arrives in Osaka and starts destroying it. The military arrives to stop him, but you all know how well that goes. He freezes all the tanks and Barugun starts messing around. And freezes everything in sight including the Osaka Castle pagoda. Same pagoda that was crushed by Anguirus in Godzilla Raids Again. Don’t know if I’d rather watch this movie or that one. He freezes a bunch of planes and they amusingly keep flying for a bit. The military talks for a bit and they pan to defeat him for a distance with some missiles behind him where he can’t be hit by the tongue or ice. Barugon wakes up and is alerted to their presence. Then he shoots rainbows out his back, which completely destroys the missiles. That’s right. He shoots rainbows out his back. That’s something I admittedly love about Gamera movies. The monsters are so random and have the weirdest/coolest powers and designs.
Gamera is attracted to heat so he flies towards Barugon to get to the rainbow beam. Then we see the footage of people suffering, ripping off the scene from Godzilla. Then Karen and the pilot show up to get the opal/egg back, but they see Gamera. Karen immediately faints and says she arrived to late when she saw Barugon. Karen thankfully knows how to stop Barugon so they leave. The man tries to run off with some money, but the pilot catches him at the apartment so they start fighting. Also the brother and wife were killed in the Barugon attack. Karen and the pilot beat him for a bit until they get bored I guess. They tie the man up and leave him to die I guess. Then Karen cries in his wound I guess. I just realized that everyone looks like they have bright red eyes. Karen tells them how Barugon is weakened, loses power, and dies in water. Making me wonder how he survived when he erupted from the ship and into the water. Nevertheless they decide to lure him into the water with a very large diamond because he apparently loves bright jewels. They decide to go with the plan. Then the guy gets saved by some lady and he hears of the radio announce the plan. Wise move. Also the diamond is 5000 carrot. Barugon get bored I guess so he does back to Osaka. The military general berates them for failing. Then a doctor shows up to help with fighting Barugon. He reveals that Barugon was exposed to inferred rays in his egg, which hatched him prematurely and grew to his size ten years early. They expose the diamond to inferred rays to lure sucessfuly lure Barugon. They stall the process by making it rain on Barugon thus weakening him severally so he can’t use his ice breath. They shoot Barugon with a ray powered by the diamond and hope for the best. They shoot the ray and it attracts Barugon. He follows them, but the ray short circuits and the lights stop working. They turn the lights back on and it attracts him again. The man gets mad and goes to steal the gem. They get to the water, but the idiot villain steals the diamond and he gets into the water. Barugon is attacks him and eats him and the gem with his tongue. With no options left they try to produce more rain to paralyze Barugon again. They find a remnant mirror from the jeep that was destroyed by Barugon’s rainbow beam. They decide to make a giant mirror to reflect back at Barugon. They theorize that the rainbow will defeat Barugon so they enact the plan. They bother him with some missiles and the rainbow beam does indeed wound him. However he is not dead so they all despair that nothing can kill it. Then at the nick of time Gamera shows up to fight Barugon. Gamera was apparently frozen by Barugon (which I think they didn’t show) so they fight bow, Gamera throws him in the water and before he can fight back Gamera starts to drown him, Also ALL THE BLOOD! Sure its all purple, but it’s still spurting everywhere! Gamera brings him to the bottom and drowns him.
This also cements Gamera’s role as Earth’s hero. Karen and the pilot have more romantic talk and they mention that greed shouldn’t lead people. The pilot admits loneliness now that his brother and friend are dead so I assume he stays in the village with Karen.
Opening skit is Tom and Crow debating MAC (Tom) or PC (Crow). I’m more of a MAC guy, but PC is gaming from what I’ve heard. It’s a little funny. Invention exchange is a Soda Can Animation for recycling commercials for Joel and the Disco Cumber-Bubble-Bund for the Mads. The Mads is pretty funny. TV’s Frank should be the new face of hip-hop. Next skit is a toy set with 5000 pieces of soldiers, helpless individuals, and many, many more. There’s also a monster specialty pack with Gamera that shoots real fire and inflicts real pain, Barugon with ram tongue action (surprising that they brought him up considering that it wasn’t seen or mentioned yet in the movie), and many more that shoot fire. Also many, many, many, many, and many more things in the movie. Very funny. Next skit is dumb. Tom and Crow are giant monsters on a girl’s night going to a TGI Fridays in Japan. Not all that funny. Next skit is Joel and the bots talking about the drive in theaters and they name the stars in Gamera vs. Barugon. He mentions Willem Defoe a lot and he shows the same actor several times. Kind of funny. Final skit is Joel and the Bots talking about Gamera’s novels. He apparently worked behind the camera more according to Joel. Unfunny. This shouldn’t have been a Gamera movie. It should have been like the first Rodan and Mothra movie or Varan the Unbelievable. Just have it called Barugon (maybe add a subtitle), cut all traces of Gamera (which isn’t much), and alter the ending so Barugon is killed by his own rainbow beam. Then it would be perfectly fine. As a Gamera movie though it lacks a lot of Gamera. Thankfully it lacks the annoying little kids. It’s honestly my favorite of the Gamera movie so I’d recommend it. The episode is all right. Not as good as the first one, but still good. The skits were hit or miss, but the jokes in the episode were mostly funny. I’d recommend it.
Episode Rating – 7/10
Movie Rating – 9/10
Favorite Riff – “Aw shoot I should have been out of the cave first! What was I thinking? Note to myself. Get out of cave before blowing it up.”
Stinger – The doomed treasure seeker freaks out (at first with joy, then with pain and terror) as a deadly poisonous scorpion stings him.
I saw this movie with my buddy Nolan and my god…This movie was magical. It was an editing and audio nightmare! It also has Christopher Lambert and Max Von Sydow in it. Christopher Lambert I can get because this is the kind of movie I would see the script for and say “Dude! When do we start?” I get it. I’d do thiS movie for shits and giggles, but the FUCK IS MAX VON SYNDOW DOING IN THIS!? He even doesn’t take it seriously he just looks like he’s gonna say “I’m getting paid for this right?” Everyone else is so sincere, but they’re so bad! So Chris plays a guy named Vercingetorix who fights against Julius Caesar. He is indeed a druid, but he can’t use Dark Magic. He sucks then. The action choreography is awful, but the editing is so bad they cut every time someone swings a sword! The worst death of all is when someone tries to conspire with our hero a rock hits his forehead and he just dies! A lot of inaudible dialog and awful fighting we see our hero surrender to Julius Caesar. Speaking of Julius Caesar he has the worst edit in the movie! It shows Roman soldiers burning towns, cuts over to Julius for a split second, then cuts back to a burning house. WHAT!?
If you’re looking for a laugh I highly recommend it! Movie wise it’s absolute crap! I don’t need to re-iterate that it’s an absolute nightmare in editing, action, acting, and audio. However it’s so much fun I can’t pass it up if I was gonna watch it with friends! Get some drinks and have some laughs!
Final Verdict: 2/10 Julius Caesar Edits
Movie – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gXenvlt3Y0
Yet another FVI movie. Original title is Extra Terrestrial Visitors. This time they have Galaxy Invader playing in the beginning. The credits show a land version of the creature from the black lagoon killing people.
Starring Ian Sera. Shouldn’t the main man be an actor with balls (Reference to the director’s other film Pieces which I doubt many of you have seen)? Our movie starts with a meteor crashing into the Earth. Then the foggiest set since Slime People. We see some poachers get out of a car going to hunt bird eggs. One of them has a huge beard, mullet, and a crossbow. My kind of guy. Then we see a kid woken up by his cat and he looks out his telescope to see the crashing meteor. This movie seriously just jumped from the poachers to the kid. This movie has three intertwining stories. One of the poachers left to get a ladder and looks at the meteor. He goes inside and sees a bunch of eggs. For some reason he crushes them instead of bringing them back to his poacher buddies. Then he’s killed by an off screen alien. He left with the truck too so the other poachers think he betrayed them and they flee the scene. The off screen alien walks out and starts to wander the forest. Cut to poachers trying to hunt for deer to eat. The alien wanders through the fog and they don’t the truck. Correction. This movie is foggier than Slime People. Cut to a cabin where we see the kid from the telescope scene looking at a centipede while eating breakfast. He’s smart so he throws a scientific term and his uncle starts being an ass. Then the weirdest edit ever. He’s eating, then a recorder playing loud music. It just cuts. This is plot C. A music group doing music stuff and the interworking of their relationship. Then they cut back to a panning shot of the forest. The guys try to hunt again, but they stop when they see rangers. Then an immediate cut back to the music. This movie has the weirdest editing. Also we hear the great song “Hear the Engines Roll Now”. We also see the greatest extra ever. A guy with a stupid haircut and a shirt that says, “I’m a Virgin”. Is it wrong I want that shirt so bad? The song goes on for a bit until it ends. When asked what he thinks our lead singer says, “It stinks!” while giving the okay sign.
Also I think dubbers from Rats are in the movie. The fem singers, the music manager, lead singer, and valley girl go camping. Then the blonde guy also working the sound and I’m a Virgin guy are never seen again. The real heroes of the movie. They decided not to be in it. Then we see the kid for a second and immediately cut back to the lead singer chatting with his girlfriend who shall be called Red. Music man and Blue 1 is a couple, and Blue 2 was hitting on blonde guy. Valley girl wants to take the lead singer Rick. I love how they sensor all the cursing by just taking out the dialog. “What got into that ___” Insert the obvious curse. It around curses like mad so there’s a lot of just silenced dialog. Also this movie is so not appropriate for kids despite being an ET rip off. There’s frequent talk off sleeping with each other and there’s the line, “Who can compete with boobs like that!” They all make up and get on the road. We see the kid wander the woods and here the running gag. They list of random names, but always end with Tom saying “Chief!?” and Crow saying “McCloud!?” Then we see the people driving in their RV through the woods with crappy music. This movie is very unfocused. Hopefully they won’t run into Nazi bikers. We could fit in another eighteen sub plots. Then we see the kid walk into the meteor and he takes the last egg that wasn’t destroyed. He sees the dead poacher with white dots on his forehead and then runs off. Back to the camper of rock where they collect firewood. The Valley girl tries to seduce Rick, but he tries to resist her advances. A bush shakes. Cut to the kid for a second, and then back to the camper of rock. They’re eating food and drinking coffee by the fire. The Boy Scout way. Everyone acting likes a ___ to the valley girl and after being a jerk herself she splashes coffee on her. She runs into the woods and she’s almost captured by one of the poachers. For some reason. I guess they want some sex. She falls down a cliff why fleeing after seeing the alien. The alien taps her forehead and I guess she’s dead. The two poachers run away and into the woods. They drive off to the woods and we see the kid going to sleep with the egg in his bed with him. So some damn reason, Wait a sec…This is the same room from Pieces! The RV stops and they see the cabin of our little kid. It’s apparently the middle of the night despite it being day outside. They are let in and we see the phone isn’t working. The phone not working, the fact that its supposedly night, fog is all over the damn forest, the roads are blocked, and there’s a killer alien and poachers around. This sounds like a horror film. The kid gets into bed to see the alien hatch and make a mess all over his bed. Cut back to the poachers and they’re drinking by the fire. They hear the alien and we finally get a good look at the alien. It’s…no not tiny Snuffaluffagus, but close. Actually the movie describes it best. A cross between a pig and a bear. Needles to say it looks cool. They try to get it closer so they can catch it. They get a net around it, but it escapes easily due to its strength. Then crossbow man shoots it and runs off. The little kid (Tommy) gives milk and cereal to the tiny version of the alien, which he is calling Trumpy. Okay during the cutaway Trumpy grows to adult size. Also Valley Girl died and has tiny white dots on her head.
Then we see Trumpy petting the kitty and talking about how he wants to eat the little potatoes in (Crow doing a voice for Trumpy and the potatoes are the animals in the kids room). A Robot toy turns on and makes noise so Trumpy blows it up! Hey! It just wanted the Golden Ninja Warrior back! I’m having a blast with this review! More scenes of Trumpy and Tommy having fun.
Trumpy and Tommy play with a puzzle and a Simon Says toy. Then Trumpy makes space music with the Simon Says. Trumpy and Tommy keep playing with things. Apparently the aliens came from Orion’s Belt. Trumpy makes the telescope see Africa. Then Trumpy does magic things by turning lights on and off, having this move around in stop motion and makes things defy gravity. This scene is a lot of fun. Then Trumpy ends up on the ceiling then teleports back on the ground.
Music guy and the Uncle drive off to the ranger’s cabin. One of the girls says if she doesn’t act perky she’ll be in hysterics. Hell that’ll explain my jokey attitude in most situations. Trumpy goes missing and we cut back to the Music Guy and Uncle. They get to the cabin where they find the crossbow poacher dead with the same white dots. “His last words were, hazza.” Then the alien shows up and kills the music guy. Well Plot A is wrapped up. The poachers are all dead! Oh yeah the other one was killed back at the campsite a few scenes ago. Back at the house the mom and Blue 1 or 2 chats for a bit. Rick walks into the scene and once again tries to call for help, but it fails. Blue 1 or 2 goes to the RV to get some makeup to hit on possible rangers. Then we see her getting killed by one of the aliens. Maybe Trumpy. I get it. Sometimes we just need to blow off some steam. I watch the last episode of Berserk, Trumpy kills people. Except it most certainly doesn’t look like it judging by the van movements. Uncle returns and shoots at the alien in the fog. Tommy runs off in the woods to find Trumpy. The people argue for a bit, but it amounts to “We should leave!” “No we shouldn’t”. Then the Uncle and Rick talk over drinks. Rick gets pissed at the Uncle and he shoots a bottle of booze. You know what I can’t blame him. Several people are now dead, there’s an unknown creature roaming about, and this older jackass is insulting him. Tommy returns home and is sent to his room. The two girls wake up and one of them is skeptical of the bullets being fired. Lady! Several of your friends are dead, there’s a wild animal, and poachers used to be in the forest! You should always believe in bullets!” One of them goes to take a shower and we see Trumpy has magically teleported into the room. Almost as if he never left. “You’re naughty! Very naughty!” That’s all he has to say. Apparently the mother killed the girl so I guess they do have quantum teleportation. Tommy plans to run away with Trumpy so he goes to get a coat. The scenery of this movie is very chilling. Something about the woods and lots of fog makes the forest look very, very unnerving. Also a girl is wearing a towel on her hair in the shower. Why? Tommy dresses Trumpy up as a Jawa with a trump (It’s just a coat). Then the alien teleports into the bathroom and kills her. Then it flees out another door! Tommy tries to leave with Trumpy. Uncle and Rick grab rifles and they go out hunting for the alien. Then Trumpy shows up and Tommy defends him. They flee out the door and everyone is now in pursuit of someone. Trumpy and the mother meet up and silently speak. Tommy pulls out the broken crossbow bullet as Rick and the Uncle show up. The uncle shoots at them almost hitting Tommy so the mother kills the Uncle and Rick immediately kills the mother. Then she buries herself in one last great effect. Then to save Trumpy Tommy tells Trumpy to leave. When he doesn’t want to Tommy tells Trumpy he hates him and that they aren’t friends anymore. Wow! The four meet up and go back to the cabin. Trumpy is then left alone in the woods without a friend in sight as the camera pans out and he is lost in the fog! This is a sad ending! The credit footage is from the movie Alien Factor. Opening skit is Crow doing his one Robot Show, “Robot on the Run” as Tom does the opening to his own show. A little funny. Invention exchange is a guitar that blows up in your face for Joel. The Mads is the royalty-free Public Domain Karaoke Machine. I love it! I’ll take three! No really! It’s really funny! They introduce the movie with Ave Maria. Quote Dr. F – “It has nothing to do with Pods. It has nothing to do with People. But it has everything to do with hurting!” Next skit is a gem! It’s Joel and the bots (including Gypsy) singing a parody of the song “Hear the Engines Roll Now”, but every line the sing a random possible title. My personal favorite is Idiot Control Now. We also see Dr. F being the music supervisor and Frank is wearing the I’m a Virgin shirt! Someone get me that shirt! Fantastic song and Joel ends by giving the Okay sign and responding, “It stinks!” The next skit is Joel and the bots playing on a wall of keyboards and they make new age music. Then Tom narrates it. This is pretty funny. Next skit is also a gem. They play around on the satellite doing similar weird stuff like in the Trumpy does magic things part of the movie. Dr. F and Frank look on in shock and confusion. We also get to see Crows legs for the first time. Last skit is Joel singing the song “Clown in the Sky”. This one…is perfect to end the episode. It has a nice soothing melody and funny sounding lyrics, but it’s not meant to be funny. It’s meant to be soothing and depressing like the end of the movie… Well Dr. F and Frank end it perfectly. The okay sign and saying “It stinks”.This…Is one of the best. This is easily one of the best episodes in the entire series. Its funny from start to finish, all the skits are well done, the jokes are quick and not far between, and the movie itself is so riffable. Even said I have a slight fondness for this movie. IT originally started as a killer alien film, but producer interference wanted it to capitalize on the success of ET so they added the cutsey alien and kid scenes. The director Juan Piquer Simon has admitted his distaste for the film and I can see why. I made horror films that are pretty gory, but he wasn’t allowed to do that in his own film. Take out the kid scenes and at more blood and I think he’d like it a lot more. I’ll admit the acting has it’s problems and the editing is odd simply because those scenes where just thrown in there. Even then it has this soothing and simultaneously chilling factor to it. The effects are good, the song is pretty catchy, and the foggy, dark woods are always eerie matching the horror film scenes perfectly and making the kid scenes somewhat better because it’s a break from the eeriness of the outside world. Well enough getting mushy on your all. I highly recommend it. This is one of the episodes I highly recommend to viewers new and old alike.
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 7/10
Favorite Riff – ‘Trumpy you can co magic things!’ “It’s called evil kid.” Or “Trumpy you can do stupid things!” Or ‘You know what playing is right?’ “Yes it’s when I break you in half!”
Stinger – “It stinks!”
Alternate Stinger – Valley girl -“He’s really good!” I’m a Virgin -“Good? He’s the best!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCl2ZNkfnS8
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMrRqNXTJS8