Conclusion (Season 3)

Season 3 is fantastic. There was a long string of very funny episodes and the first one that wasn’t good was only mediocre. The actors all do a great job and the jokes seem to flow a lot better than in early season two. As regard to the theme of this season there were two. Sandy Frank and Film Venture International. They would appear in other seasons, but mostly in this season. There were a lot of good movies this season as well. I recommended Pod People, three of the Gamera films, It Conquered the World, and Master Ninja I & II. The episodes that were really good are too much to count. My personal favorites of the season were Cave Dwellers, Pod People, Gamera vs. Barugon, Time of the Apes, It Conquered the World, War of the Colossal Beast, and Master Ninja I. The lowpoints of the season were Daddy-O, Gamera vs. Zigra, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and especially The Castle of Fu-Manchu.

324 – Master Ninja II:

The Master Title
I feel like I should repeat my comments from last time I did Master Ninja cause it’s the exact same opening credits. So anyway we begin with an opening narration from out hero Max detailing what happened last episode. Lee made Max run a bunch to get him more fit. Then we watch some motorcycle footage. Max immediately gets into a fight with a biker, but turns out they’re buddies. They share a tight handshake and almost broke his hand. Then we see the girl of the day arguing with some guy. As she walks off he creepily licks his lips. Then the race. I’m getting major Sidehackers flashbacks. Max lost to our girl of the day. He immediately asks her out too. She turns him down. Whenever people are around me and they talk about the Union I get really bored. Why bring this up? Cause this episode is about the Dock Union! A guy screws up with a crane and almost crushes a guy. The only reason why he doesn’t die is cause Lee uses his ninja skills. We get our gal trying to form one and I just don’t care. Cut to our duo talking in a motel and Lee suddenly lies on the floor and passes out. He uses the ninja skill to pretend death. This’ll so not come into play later. Max goes to a bar and we see our girl get harassed and not served. The villain of the day tries to scare Lee, but Lee just doesn’t bother him. Max actually is a swell guy and purchases two meals for him and the gal. Max gets in a scuffle that ends with him getting thrown through a window like usual. Then the gal gets attacked and the villain tries to kill them. I know I don’t care about the topic, but why do these people want to stop a damn Union?! So she explains that everyone related to her brother got killed and she just walks off. Why not keep her with you? So in the morning she keeps pushing her Union. The villains chat about the previous scene and they talk about killing her. The villain is about to throw her our and Max intervenes. She has her Union meeting in a church and Max looks bored out his damn mind. She’s like the only person who wants a Union and they don’t want to give up their paychecks for a strike. Max makes a speech and the people who just said they couldn’t sign are suddenly able to sign. Lee gets attacked by a bunch of thugs, but Max swoops in on his bike. The villains give chase in a dull action scene with groovy music. Lee destroys their car and our heroes escape. They go to help her and they see that her home was ruined. Oh no. That’ll take like a day or two to clean up. Then they make out. Damn I need to learn his skills. Lee dons his ninja gear and Max fights the security guards. They search for evidence on her brother’s death. The gang gets chased by the same van and some more cars. They try to shoot out heroes and with a shotgun at pointblank range. They check on Lee and he’s using his ninja heart technique. Max flees and they don’t both chasing him. Max runs a bunch and meets up with the girl. He gets her to run with him and they immediately run into the thugs from before. They go to a graveyard and they are going to kill and bury our heroes. The thugs suck at digging too. Lee gets up and frees them. They kick ass and save the girl. The end of this episode. Despite the lack of interest in Unions I did like this episode.
Next episode starts right up with the action. Max is flying a thing and saves a girl from a car that won’t stop. Max flies over Lee and drops the girl into his arms. This girl is blonde and cute. As a way to make up for saving her, she invites them to a party in a fancy place. A bunch of commandos talk about kidnapping the Senator (whom is the gal’s dad). The rebels argue amongst themselves about killing and ethics. At the party the gal gets hit on by this guy in a fancy suit. We meet the Senator and our heroes show up. I love the two have chemistry with each other. We see a guy walk up to Lee and….Is that George Lazenby? Yes it is Lazenby. You give up James Bond to be in a bunch of junk. This is not one of those junks. Then cut to commercial and everyone was already taken over. I love the edits in these episodes sometimes. The rebels kidnap the the Senator’s daughter and several guests. George shoots a tracking device onto a helicopter and the gunmen cannot hit shit. Lazenby tries to track them down, but we cut back to the cops. Max and Lee were arrested too. There’s some exposition about the villains of the day that doesn’t mean much. Lazenby tries to break into the villain’s hideout and takes pictures of it. There’s more talk at the police station about hostages and stuff. George makes a good point that on one can climb a 70 foot wall, but then they remark that a Ninja can’t. Lee wants to go without Max and as he gets ready he finds the chainmail ninja from the first episode. A brief scuffle becomes a sword fight that Lee flees from. We cut over to the hostages. They’re all upset and stuff. The villains show up and are just there to be all intimidating and stuff. Max manages to find the building and Lee is barely able o climb up. Max manages to get in via the air thing from earlier. George pathetically climbs the wall and he looks like he has to stop and wheeze at every moment. Max lands in and begins to get inside the building. Lee is watching the villains and can easily just kill them all with shurikens. Lee goes to save the hostages and George gets captured. As day comes the villains talk about executing everyone. Max arrives in time to save the gal and they manage to save the hostages. George is held at gunpoint and tied down by our villains. Max fights the female villain and knocks her out. Lee takes the villains weapon and knocks him out. So George was useless to this story. Everyone escapes and the villains are captured. Max kisses the gal and leaves. The end.
The into is doing improve. They are in cream of wheat, Tom is Peter Gabriel, and Crow is anger. Pretty funny. The invention exchange is the Conveyor-belt Buffet for the mads and the SoL crew made the Gerbilsphere 2. Neither are all that funny to me. I like how the Mads are just sort of at a loss for words on how to say it’s a bad movie cause after Fu Manchu you can only go up. First movie skit is the Bots showing off their ideas for custom vans. Eh. Gypsy’s is Richard Basehart, Tom’s has Conan artist, and Crow’s is himself. Middle skit is short and sweet. Crow plays General Timothy van Patten. Funny. 2nd to last skit is Tom explaining how different detective and other crime-fighting type characters should have pets suited to them. Eh. The last skit is iss playing with a foam dress up Lee Van Cleef dress up doll. Dull.
The episodes of The Master were good, but the episode of MST3K was dull. There were a few funny riffs, but it was a rather dull sit. Like said before I liked the previous 2 episodes of the show and I thought the MST3K was funny too. As a last episode of the 3rd season it was lacking. I personally think Fu Manchu would have been a “great” way to end the season due to the true horror of how bad it is and the triumphant nature of Joel and the Bots still winning. This seemed more like a tacked on epilogue. I’m not one of those guys who says to watch an episode of a long term series out of order, but I would say change the order and put this after Master Ninja I.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating – 8/10
Favorite Riff – ‘I don’t usually see them walk away from you.’ “They usually run screaming.”, ‘Closed your door to the senses like you did in the motel room?’ “No I was really dead Tim. I’m the Re-Animator.”
Stinger – Lee creepily holds the gerbil.
Episode –

“Batman V Superman” Directed by Zach Synder

So I saw the Red Carpet screening of the movie. It was….better than Man of Steel. There wasn’t any of Pa Kent’s bullcrap about keeping yourself hidden, not saving those kids, and not using your powers to help anyone. Granted Supes did destroy half of Metropolis when he was trying to save it. So Batfleck wants to beat the crap out of Supes because a family member died in a building Supes destroyed. He carves some Kryptonite weapon and almost kills him, but he gets guilt tripped out of it cause Supes and Batfleck have mom’s with the same first name. Lex Luthor makes a monster out of General Zod (the effect is just the Troll from Lord of the Rings) and after a fight the heroes win…Thats all the non spoiler stuff i’ll go into. Turn back now.
The action is way to fast, the movie is way to long, the music is kinda dull, the Jesus Symbolism is frustrating (though not as bad as in Man of Steel), and just like in Man of Steel theres a death at the end thats completely avoidable….The goods though? Ben Affleck was good, Jessie Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was great, there was a few kinda funny moments, and the scene with Kevin Costner WORKED.
Final Verdict – 3/10 Kyrptonite Spears

323 – The Castle of Fu Manchu:

The Castle of Fu Manchu
Declared a bigger stink bomb than The Unearthly. I can believe it. We begin with Fu Manchu (played by Christopher Lee, but dubbed by some other guy) monologuing. We see stock footage from a Titanic movie and cut back to Fu’s base. Then Fu wants to strengthen his power, but someone is hesitant. There’s a funny bit of Fu arguing with his subordinate shouting at each other over them pulling the lever. The guy goes to move it back so Fu shoots him. An iceberg appears and we see nobs being turned and stuff blowing up in his base. So the ship sinks as Fu watches with…vague interest. Actually I have a big question. Where is he? Is he on a boat? Is he in a submarine? Is he nowhere near them? Can I please have some context? None of that is answered as we cut over to…somewhere as the opening theme plays. The theme is very nice and Tom’s singing is very good to.
The Castle of Fu Manchu 1 Even the Towers have a credit!
Cut to nature! We see two guys fishing and one of them messes up. All I know is that they are British. We learned one of them is named Alan Smith. I’m convinced his dubber changed between lines. One line its British the next line it’s almost Schwarzenegger. We cut over to parliament and they are discussing messages from Fu. Then as we get a message we pan around and OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED!? We went from good lighting to everything is completely back, but people’s faces have a red and green tint! The screen is almost completely black! We there are some “regular shots” that have a light green filter and will SOMEONE STOP THE CAMERA FROM SHAKING! They talk about his plan to flood the world. They go to Istanbul and we see a woman and a lady in a fez. The talk a bit and we see a guy watching them. We watch them walk for a bit. Cut to a building and we see a man smoking from a hookah and he talks with the women. She is offering complete control of half the opium routes in the world. They go through a plan while we see the opening credits with a blue filter. Cut over to them driving to the castle and they get through security no problem. As they get through the gates they just open fire on the guards and the girl who was with Fu earlier leads in a bunch of ninjas who kill all guards really easily. In an inside shot we see it’s nighttime when it was day in every shot. The fat leader of the castle is fat and can’t make audible noise. As Fu and the girl arrive and I just learned they were father & daughter. Fu immediately betrays the Turks they hired and in a really terrible action scene that just cuts several times to the same shot. Fu imprisons them all declares this to be their castle and that they have one week.
The Castle of Fu Manchu 2
We cut back to parliament and Smith talks to a guy about his book and world authority. It apparently gives the idea that it would give away Fu’s location. The other guy’s dubbing is so bad I can’t hear a word he says. Smith is told that Fu is currently in Istanbul. We see Fu watch over a sick and dying man. I know he’s saying something, but the quiet voice, that’s always gasping, and the music makes it impossible to hear him. Quote Joel “I am learning way to much about this man’s nasal hairs.” HOW DID HE GET THERE!? They just cut to the daughter (whom was behind Fu) and then out of nowhere a huge, beefy dude were close next to her! We see a girl get out of the car and walk around a bit. She keeps looking around like someone following her, but it’s just a pigeon. Also the lighting keeps changing between every shot. If that’s not terrible film making I don’t know what is. We see some Smith and they guy from earlier to meet with the woman and some other doctor. The woman goes to the door and is knocked out by some ninjas. The doctor the woman (Ingrid) met is also kidnapped by ninjas and there’s suddenly a blue filter on the camera. We see some guys in fez caps chatting. I don’t know who these guys are and we have never met one of them before. Wait! That fez guy from a scene ago shows up the Turkish guys who Fu betrayed and their leader was still alive!? I thought he was dead! Also there’s a green filter on and then there isn’t! Why are you adding and removing colors to a colored film!? They kill the guy. The scene is telling us everything we already know. This scene was absolutely pointless. Back in Fu’s Castle with the black and red filming. When there isn’t black it’s a green tint. So the man’s name is Kesler and the gal’s name is Ingrid. Back to the useable filming THIS SHOT IS ENTIRELY BLACK! It’s infuriating just how frequently the lighting changes in between shots. Ingrid’s acting is so vapid it’s putting me to sleep better than the lack of dialog. Oh god this next scene is the flipside of the coin. Way to bright at the start. Then a guy just gets stabbed by the fez wearers. Cut back to Fu as Kesler and Ingrid are brought before Fu. Then we cut back to the old doctor and Fu making Kesler and Ingrid give him the heart.
The Castle of Fu Manchu 3
Fu uses the power of colored stock footage to a dam bursting. This scene goes on for a few minutes and it feels even longer. When it finally bursts the editing just explodes!
The Castle of Fu Manchu 4
That guy who’s traveling with Smith is absolutely useless. He’s so useless Smith just tells him not to follow him. We see a long scene of Ingrid and Kesler talking. It’s dull as all her. It’s shot between bars so most of it is obscured. We see a long a boring operating scene just drags even longer than the dam scene. I refuse to use the word cinematography because there is nothing resembling cinema in this. Fu gives another warning to the people. More scenes with the fez guy and I’m still wondering what their purpose is. Smith tries to ally himself with the fez guys and we cut back to Fu. Fu says they have no alternative and holds Ingrid hostage. I’ll give her this. The woman who play’s Fu’s daughter Tsai Chin is beautiful and she does appear to be good in other things. Fu releases the fez guy and still holds the woman from earlier. He tries to kill Fu by throwing a knife and it misses by a mile. JESUS HOW MANY OF THESE SHOTS ARE JUST BLACK!? The woman manages to flee and runs down the halls of the dungeon. After the fez guy tells Fu about Smith the daughter kills him. We see the stupid ninjas running through the fields where everyone can see them. Wait…We see Kesler and Ingrid watching over the old doctor. Ingrid was locked up in an early scene! Did they decide to bring them back!? We see the two guys the plot keeps pushing aside and I wonder the context of this scene. Like nothing is going on other than Fu give another message. Smith survived an explosion and swam to Fu’s castle. This is a two minute scene of dialog with two people I cannot see…Astounding. Just fucking astounding. Kesler apparently stole some acid that melted through the doors. Bringing back everyone’s favorite black and red filming. Fu begins to release his water weapon and Fu decides to mess with Smith by blowing up a computer he was talking to. Smith finds the old doctor as he fights ninjas while the girl does jack shit. They take the old guy and try to lead him through the cave. The woman’s pants blend in with the background so I keep thinking she’s not wearing pants. Also the gates of eternity they went through led to the front door. Kesler and Ingrid get water dropped on them. The girl runs back for the fez guy who unknown to her is dead. I would complain about more darkness shots, but I’ve given up. Kesler and Ingrid somehow got out and they easily dispatch the ninjas. The castle starts to explode for some reason. Fu looks about as confused as me as he just stands around looking confused. Then a character we’ve never seen before goes and saves Kesler and Ingrid. As the castle finally explodes we see Smith looking over the horizon and we hear Fu’s inner monologue swearing he will be back. Spoiler alert. This movie did so bad they canceled the sixth film in the series before production was even conceived. You can abrely read the credits with a ed background and yellow letters. Genius…
In the beginning the SoL crew sings the Satellite of Love Marching Song. It’s a happy tune about their situation. This good mood won’t stay. It is a good song though. The crew celebrates their successful performance and the Mads promise an awful, awful movie. The Bots create a new Long-Distance Telephone Transducer, Joel forgets the invention and re-presents the Big Head, and the Mads create a Stinky Bomb that turns anyone into Joe Besser. I would like the bomb. Crow gives an editorial about casting white actors as non-white characters. Crow breaks down and the Mads laugh in delight. Next skit is SoL tries to do the “Shriner Flying Carpet” sketch, only to have Tom burst into tears about the movie. Crow puts it best, “How is this sketch any different from any other movie we do?” The Mads celebrate and order dinner. Joel tries to cheer up the bots, but they don’t want to be cheered up. Joel shows off pictures showing the “life” of Fu Manchu. It’s dull and dumb. Joel eventually gives in and breaks down himself. The Mads celebrate with pie. At the end the SoL crew finally breaks down and the Mads celebrate. Joel dares the Mads to riff the movie. They try and concede almost immediately. They celebrate.
This movie is…MY GOD! The film is a cinematic nightmare! It’s a colored film that has colored lenses over the camera, the editing is absolutely atrocious, the dubbing is barely audible, the action is almost nonexistent, characters just appear and vanish from the film, and despite having a simple story it’s almost un-follow able. The lighting frequently changing between shots and the very quick editing is a strain on the eyes and makes many sequences a chore and pain to sit through. This is up there as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and the MST3K crew agrees with me as they believe it’s one of the toughest films they’ve had to watch and write for. I’m inclined to agree, but there’s one more movie next season that rivals this one for spot of worst movie (on a technical aspect). The only good this movie has is that the soundtrack is okay most of the time. This movie should be shown in college classes and broken down. Step by step. Showing exactly what NOT to do while making a movie. The jokes are kinda funny and the sketches are all the same. This is a movie the riffs couldn’t save, but really I don’t blame the MST3K crew. The movie gives you nothing to work with! Don’t see it. For your own good.
Episode Rating – 5/10
Movie Rating – 0/10
Favorite Riff – Tom singing during the opening credits, Credit says Harry Alan Towers “Look even the towers got a credit.”, “Did the director take his lessons of walking scenes from ROGER CORMAN!?”, “Hey lets not queue the audience in on the plot yet.”
Stinger – The ninjas kill a guard by jumping on him.
Episode –
Trailer –

322 – Master Ninja

The Master Title
FVI has once again showed up on the show. This time it’s a TV series called The Master. Not a failed TV pilot. An actual TV show! They just used a bunch of episodes from a 13 episode TV show and turned it into SEVEN MOVIES! Thankfully we don’t watch all of them. Staring Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten. We get an opening narration as one of our heroes named Max gets thrown out a window. He ends up destroying a bunch of motorcycles as they chase after him. Cut over to Japan and we see Lee Van Cleef fighting some ninjas. He dispatches them all with little effort and this is a cool action scene. We hear from the narrator he was looking for a daughter he didn’t know he had. He gets hit in the back with a shuriken before he can get into the plane, but he gets away. Cut to back to America and we see Max talking to his Gerbil as he picks up a girl. She wants to go an airport and we learn her name is Holly. After an extensive chase scene the car chasing them rolled over and exploded. Also that was a cop. Max drops her off at an airstrip and they part ways. Lee Van Cleef was okay and was picked up by a truck driver. Cut to Max at a bar as he meets with some people and chat. Lee gets harassed by the cop from earlier when his suit case opens and all his ninja gear is exposed. In a humorous bit of editing Max gets up to confront the sheriff and then we see him get thrown out the window. Lee destroys a light and then he just destroys the bar. This is a funny scene, but the funniest is when he kicks the roof and it collapses before he even touches it. Don’t mess with Lee Van Cleef. Lee and Max leave and they chat about ninjas. They go down to the airstrip and people are talking about selling the airstrip. The owner is adamant against it. The Sheriff shows up as Max and Holly bring Lee into a room. Also she just kisses him. He got paid to kiss Demi Moore. Lucky man. They chat for a bit and we learn that Lee was a US air pilot who decided to stay in Japan due to the tranquility. Yeah I bet there was a LOT of tranquility in post war Japan. They chat for a bit and Max wants to become a ninja. Lee doesn’t want to take him as an apprentice and I was getting some Star Wars vibes. After being turned down he leaves. We see a guy slathering gasoline on a plane. After Max leaves they light they light the plane on fire. Then we see a party about people talking. Max storms in and talks about how the plane strip was lit on fire. Max gets thrown out and Lee finally accepts they begin training. Lee kicks Max’s ass. Cue training montage! There’s some talking and the two bother the cop from earlier. They find out he was the one who burned the plane and get the names of the others. Max goes in and takes out some men as Lee’s stunt double climbs the building. We see some ninja who wore chainmail on his head. I sense a ninja off! Then a random helicopter shot. Quote Crow, “Meanwhile Tommy is having a Nam flashback.” Max meets the first episode’s villain who tried to burn the plane strip. Max throws a shurikan at the guy and kills him. The evil ninja draws his bow and arrow and they are useless as Lee catches them all. Max says he’ll take the ninja then gets his ass handed to him. The evil ninja throws down some smoke bombs then they engage in a goofy fight with a lot of explosions and flips. Lee spares him and the two walk off. They drive off and that ends the first episode. Next episode begins with a crippled girl watching a dance. Max talks to her after the dance as Lee chats with one of the characters of the day. Then the villains show up as another girl starts dancing. Lee notices the villain is wearing a ring with snakes. The ring doesn’t have the snakes facing each other, but one. So we know that he isn’t part of Thulsa Doom’s cult. The cripped girl watches recordings of her parents dancing. The villains walks in and Joel snarks, “We’d like to buy her wheel chair.” Max sneaks back stage and tries to talk with the dancer. Also this reminds me of Showgirls. Max then kicks the bouncer’s ass. Snake ring guy is a fellow ninja from his dialog with Lee. He gets the address of Lee’s daughter and they find out that she has some trouble. The leave and start some driving. They get shot at and charsed by the guys from the club who turn out to be other ninjas. They pull over and immediately lose their pursuers. Lee is clad in his ninja gear and his stunt double does some climbing. He jumps onto the car and now I wonder by he didn’t put his mask on. He removes the car’s steering wheel and it crashes into the sea. They chat for a bit and we see the villains. Also minor thing, but I like this stereotypical Asian music. It has a nice rhythm and beat to it. The villains decide to kidnap one of the daughters because the club boss won’t pay for protection. Then we see the crippled girl attempt to walk when she’s the only one in the room. This seems unwise. Lee shows up, but doesn’t help her. He offers some advise and helps her back into her chair. The dancer daughter is kidnapped after Max gets knocked out. They just give in and Max is none to pleased. Lee explains that this is a ruse. The wheelchair girl goes to deliver the cash and Lee sneaks on beneath the villain’s car. They stop and Lee sneaks off. Max goes with Lee and he dons his ninja garb. After a really short fight scene they escape and make the dancer walk across the high wire. Then we see Max walk across the high wire. He has progressed far. Then Lee and the snake ninja have a duel. It ends with Lee putting his suit on some electric stuff that kills the evil ninja. We watch some old dancing and that wraps up the episode. Also turns the girl we heard about earlier wasn’t his daughter. Of both MST3K and Master Ninja. The end.
In the prologue the Bots make up model cars. Eh. For the invention exchange the Mads make Boil-In-A-Bag IVs, while Joel and the Bots make adult-oriented pop-up books. Neither was all that funny or cool. Next up Crow brings up the terrifying “Van Patten Project”! Putting Van Pattens in all sorts of shows! This was great. When Joel asked what his point was Crow said he had none. Middle skit is Joel and the bots having a war of background music. This is great. Next up Joel and the Bots demonstrate alternatives to nunchucks. Eh. The SOL crew creates the “Master Ninja Theme Song”. It is heavenly. This is a great episode. Just like before with Time of the Apes and Fugitive Alien I felt like this is a show I would watch and actually like. I have a fondness for stupid ninja stuff and Lee Van Cleef as an actor. The riffs are funny and the skits are mostly great. I highly recommend it.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 8/10
Favorite Riff – Villain shoots a lamp, “WHO IS IT!?”, “I hear his theme music. He’s around here somewhere!”, ‘You’re a dancer. DANCE!’ “You’re an actor. ACT!”
Stinger – “To them it’s some kind of ritual.”
Episode –
Trailer –

321 – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
We start with a loud and annoying song about Santa. We see that someone is on TV talking about Santa. We pan and see two alien kids “watching” the TV. I say watching in quotes because their dead eyes could be anywhere. We see the interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus freaks out. Also this is a slight spoiler for the kids. We get to hear the interviewer say he hopes the Martians have a Santa. Then we cut to Mars and we see a cape wearing Martian named Kimar looking for someone. He finds him sleeping and wakes him with a…..tickle staff? I don’t know. We meet Dropo “The Laziest Man on Mars”. These kids look dead! The kids go to bed and their acting is about as dead as their eyes. We see Kimar meet with the Martian Elder. Also the elder acts like he’s about to die. We see Voldar a Martian with a bushy Ron Swanson mustache. Then he just passes out and explodes. DID HE JUST DIE!? Voldar says the kids would be a nuisance if they were happy, but Kimar wants to get the kids lively and alive. The Martians are over Earth. They see fake Santa Clauses on the streets and say they’ll take one. Also Dropo was hidden in the Radar Box. Then he almost crashes the ship. Just kill him now please. We see two kids who listen to the news on their radio. The boy asks the girl what she would to if she saw a Martian and the Martians show up. Great timing I guess. The boy tells her to shut up and when they interact with the kids. The boy is named Betty and the girl is named Betty. They learn of the true Santa Claus and they bring them to the North Pole. We hear that the military is still looking for the space ship and we see STOCK FOOTAGE FROM STARFIGHTERS! THAT’S A NEW LOW! Dropo shows the kids around the ship and this won’t end well. I want to murder Dropo. More Martians show up and Dropo hides them in the Radar Box. Also why is there so much room on the radar controls? Also they have a robot. We see the kids sneak off and pull some wires. We see a very, very fake set and the kids run. They are also not freezing to death immediately. Same with the aliens. The kids hide in a cave to avoid Voldar., but we see a…a guy in an obvious bear suit.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 1
Like its obvious and it’s awful. At least the “T-Rex” in King Dinosaur is an actual lizard and not a stupid suit! I know it’s a low blow now, but the robot catches the kids. The robot in question makes Ro-Man look dignified. Also in the slow, slow scene of the robot walking towards them they don’t move and girl keeps this horrifying look of her mouth open. Voldar tells the robot to kill the, but Kimar says he set the robot to only obey him.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 2
The robot tries to capture Santa, but it doesn’t. The Martians run in and freeze some Elves and Mrs. Claus. They drag him back to the ship and they take off.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 3 This is an actual thing put to film.
Also the kidnapping of Santa Claus is what brings the world together. Not killing Hitler, not ending the Cold War, not the disarming of nuclear weapons. The kidnapping of Santa Claus. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but there’s only so much I can handle. A bearded Martian laughs and he talks about how funny Santa is. Voldor is pissed about that. The kids have no reaction to Santa’s jokes so he asks why they weren’t laughing. It was a terrible joke. That is just like sitting in history class. Also Dropo shows up to make them laugh. I only want to really kill myself when he’s on screen. “Geez Mars must be a terrible place.” Almost as bad as this movie. Also the kids are more dispirited than me.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 3.5 You cannot convince me that kid isn’t having a Nam Flashback
Voldor tries to shove them into the airlock and shoot them into space. Voldar gloats that he killed the kids and we see an AWFUL fight scene. Okay the only thing worse than the kid’s dead eyes are the kids laughing. Also Voldar escaped thanks to our ‘lovable’ dumbass. That gets dropped so we can introduce Santa and the kids to the Martian kids. We partake in the most terrifying and worst scene in the movie. Everyone just laughs. The laugh like mad, they laugh like crazy people, and it just STARTS! This movie over! We see Voldar and some other guy talk about killing Santa. Also an alien named Jim. I forgot to mention before everyone speaks the universal language. English. “So all of Mars will be filled with blubbering idiots!” You all are idiots already. Also more footage keeps skipping to the point where a scene just cuts to black for almost a minute. The kids step all over Kimar’s lines to the point where he has to repeat them. No second take. Just repeat your line. Dropo tries to get himself super fat and I believe he’s gonna end up as Mars’ Santa. Please don’t end that way.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 5
We see some stupid slapstick as Voldar and some other guys go to break the toy machine. They capture Dropo and mistake him for Santa. Santa just start laughing again and Kimar stares daggers at him. Santa begins the toy machine and it makes weird monstrosities. Voldar wants to bargain with the fake Santa and they have yet to realize that Dropo is not Santa despite having the antennas. Also Kimar doesn’t call their BS immediately. Dropo escapes. There was much….No there was no rejoicing. Voldar attempts to escape again. Then an awful scene of everyone tormenting Voldar with toys. Also expressions are once again terrifying. Is it wrong that the chess scenes in Seventh Seal feel shorter than these scenes. ____! I was right! Dropo becomes the Santa of Mars! Santa and the kids leave and it FINALLY ENDS!!! It ends with the opening credits of Incredible Melting Man.
In the beginning the Bots pore over expensive Christmas catalogs and tell Joel what they want for Christmas. Tom wants an inflatable bathtub pillow. Gypsy wants a pony. Crow loudly declares he wants to decide who lives and dies. Don’t we all. This skit is funny. The Mads invention is the Wish Squisher, which can turn any cool present into something horrifically lame. Joel and the Bots’ is the Misfit Toys. This is a funny one. I would so play the Roadhouse board game! Next up is Crow writes his own Christmas carol, “A Patrick Swayze Christmas”. Thanks to some violent lyrics, Joel drags Crow off. This is amazing! Middle skit is Joel tricks Frank into sending up more Christmas specials. Some are good, and some are really, really bad. Funny at first, but dragged at the end. Fourth skit is the SoL reading their Christmas essays. Crow reads “A Christmas Editorial”, Tom reads the classic “A Child’s Christmas in Space”, Joel reads about 70’s office parties, and Gypsy says it all. Eh. The final skit is the SoL crew singing their version of “Angels We Have Heard on High”, they go through their stockings and the Mads exchange gifts. Joel got a letter, Gypsy got a picture of Richard Basehart, Tom got candy and stuff, and Crow got, a bunch of weird sports stuff. Dr. F got a watch and Frank got a book bound in barbed wire. Touching.
This episode was particularly painful. To me there is nothing worse than a bad/annoying kid movie. The only thing close to it is a boring film. This was both of them. The jokes were eh and the skits were either bad or really good. The Patrick Schwayze Christmas song, opening skit and final skit felt the most like Christmas. That’s what counts I guess. Everyone in the movie looks like they’re on the verge of dying or like they want to shoot themselves. Santa is unbearably perky and his laugh is grating. Little kids would love it, but I can’t stand it.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating – 0/10
Favorite Riff – ‘Hello Santa!’ “Get the hell out of my shop!”, ‘This appears to be the day everything has gone missing.’ “Including frames of the film!”, ‘There’s a doll’s head on a bear and a bear’s head on a doll!’ “Hohoho we’ll give them to dyslexic kids!”
Stinger – Voldar laughs evilly
Possible Stinger – The robot’s POV of walking towards them and the girls horrifying expression.
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Trailer –

320 – The Unearthly. Shorts: Posture Pals & Appreciate Your Parents:

Short up first. We see bad posture and the four important things. Good health, staying awake, the habit of good posture, and the way you look. The “teacher” (all of this is said by the narrator) says that after the next posture test she will crown a King, Queen, Prince, and Princess of posture. Really? A first and second place for both genders? Why not do four equal titles and just say the four best? King/Queen, Emperor/Empress, Khan, and Pope of Posture. Even then why not give the 1st place King/Queen and give the other the minor lord titles of Duke/Duchess, Baron/ess, and Marquess/Marchioness? You know what. If I was around in the 50s and asked there questions I’d be accused of being a Communist. Much like how in the 60s & 70s I’d have been a hippie. Our four children Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Marie are disappointed to see their posture sucks. The teacher offers them help shows them how to stand and sit straight. We see the kids montage at home and one of the girls has a creepy clown doll she takes advice from. They all look like Hitchcock behind the white drop. Also this is a democratic class that votes for posture nobility. Our “characters” obviously win and we see the “The End” card. So does this have any perks other than bragging rights? Anyway next short!

Now we have another main character named Tommy. He wonders why his bed is clean despite it being messy. Unbelievable. His clothes being mended in the closest. I can buy it. The table being cleared when he was gone? Okay he’s an idiot for not knowing this. He’s like 6 and I knew parents cleaned stuff when I was 6! We see his swell parents! His dad gives him an allowance and mother gets her’s too. He gets like ten cents for an allowance and when he thinks to ask for more. He looks and sees that his parents are cleaning up and listens to his parents about how they did everything. I can bullcrap cause my room was a mess until I cleaned it! Hell it’s still a mess! After listening to the whole thing Tommy goes back upstairs and reconsiders. Nope he’s still a kid. Actually judging by that he’s part of the football team he might be older. Cut to a week later and we see Tommy being a swell kid by fixing his stuff and having a nice room. My room was always messy, but I call it organized clutter. We see the kid helping his parents. I offer frequently and always told no. And at the end of it all Tommy got an allowance raise. The End!

Onto the film and it stars John Carradine, Tor Johnson, and the gorgeous Allison Hayes of “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” fame. Hopefully she’s in it for more than two minutes! Still a tad bitter. An old man named Loren brings Grace (Allison) and she meets Dr. Charles Conway (Carradine), Lobo (Tor), and the assistant Dr. Sharon (Marilyn Buferd). After she leaves the two men discuss that they threw her stuff floating down the bay to fake her suicide because she’s depressed. They go down and see Conway’s last experiment done on a man named Harry. He’s now a human vegetable. His mouth twitched several times. I don’t know if that was a flaw or not, but I’ll say it was a flaw. He can’t move on his own. After a bunch of talking Tor brought man inside who was lost in the rain. He turns out to be a killer and Conway promises to hold him if he participates in his experiment. Without many options he stays. In the morning we see Danny a man with anger issues and Natalie a girl on the verge of a nervous break down. They argue like a married couple. Natalie is happy to meet Frank (killer). Danny is annoying as all hell and Frank is not taking with any of his bullcrap. The assistant takes him away and Conway sedates him. So we hear Conway talking about how he’s stealing the youth of people to live more than a thousand years. He gives this answer to someone I think is Frank. I’d take him up on it! The only thing I’d ask is that if something goes wrong and I turn into a quivering sack of skin that someone should kill me. We see Grace and Natalie is conservative bikinis and Frank chats with Grace. Natalie goes over to the house to talk with Conway. We see the assistant checking Harry and I think he’s either awful at being dead or he can move slightly. Once again I assume the former. Conway speaks with Loren about Harry’s sister and he say to make out his death certificate. Conway says she is going to do her last test and she’ll be fine. She is sedated and Tor moves her to bed operating room. Now we see the best line in the movie. Tor Johnson utters the immortal words, “Time for go to bed!” It’s the little things that keep me going. Frank goes into Natalie’s room and we see the surgery. Frank voices his opinions to Grace and she struggles to believe him.
Unearthly 1
The surgery ends up failing though. Her skin is severely burned, but it looks like she’s missing her face. To get her away from Frank, Conway tells Grace that Frank is dangerous and violent. The assistant gets jealous of Grace for some reason and when she says they should do the next experiment on her now. He says no and it makes sense! The last time you tried (a few hours ago!) it failed miserably. Frank wanders the house and Crow snarks “My Dinner with Andre had more locations than this!” Frank finds Grace and shows her Natalie.
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Cut back to them walking. This movie is just 40% boring dialog, 40% walking, and 20% watching people do stuff. Harry is going to be buried, but Frank opens the casket and he slips out without Tor knowing and he buries an empty casket. Now I know if they were mistakes or him actually moving! Also we see Danny after a LONG time. Frank gives him the info dump and the three plan to leave in the middle of the night. Guess what? More walking. The doctor is “shocked” as they all try to escape and Conway begins to set up experimentation on her. They gave Tor a gun when he could have easily crushed them with his hands. They easily subdue him and Danny was shot. He has no wound however. Conway shuts of the lights with a button on the table and runs off. Also turns out Frank isn’t a murderer, but actually an undercover cop. That honestly caught me off guard. Harry kills Conway and Tor kills Harry. They somehow arrest Tor and the assistant. Grace is saved and they find Danny dead and a bunch of sub humans made by Conway’s experiments. Tor’s son is among one of those guys. Are these the Unearthly? WHY WAS THIS CALLED THE UNEARTHLY!? The End!!!!
In the opening the SOL crew decides to make an entry for America’s Goofiest Home Videos. It ends why Crow on fire. That’s always funny. Funny cause Josh Weinstein (Old Tom Servo) worked for America’s Funniest Home Videos. For the invention Exchange it’s pills that are hard to swallow for the Mads (you mean Horse Pills?) and the SOL crew made random celebrity products. In all actuality they are the size of horse pills and have three pronged fishhooks, one has a gerbil, one is 105 pills that get bigger the long you swallow, and life size cartoon vitamins. The Mad’s are amazing. The products are the Emilo Esta-Pezz, Jackie Mason-Jar, Jimmy JJ Walker, and the Charlie Michaelis Masager. Not as funny. After the skits Tom and Crow learn how to appreciate Gypsy. However quickly degrades into the two of them hurling abuse at the other for doing so little. That was funny. Gypsy also accidently breaks the buttons at the end. Why did they leave that in? Next is the SOL crew does a tribute, “The Many Faces of Tor Johnson”. He has the emotions of anger, tenderness, bemusement, and heartbreak (same as tenderness). We see a bunch of fake images. Including all the roles is 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. This was fun. The Bots make up their own board game out of the leftovers from other board games, and model it after the twisted house from the film. Clever idea. This has a bunch of rules that leads to losing turn and no one playing. This got funny real fast. “The player’s who lose a turn lose a turn.” Not to self. Never play a board game with Joel. In the end they read a letter with an impression of the Dead End Kids. Dumb.
The reason I was making all those comparisons to my life is because it said to appreciate my parents. I do and when it gave examples I gave my counter argument. Sure it was the 50s, but it had to stand the test of time. It is “film”. The shorts sucked and the movie was downright awful. The dialog was dull, most of it was walking around, and most of the acting was VERY stilted. You know you’re in for a bad trip when TOR JOHNSON is the 2nd best thing in the movie. Even Alliosn Hayes has barely anything to work with. The episode had some funny bits, but I wouldn’t seek it out. If it were on TV I wouldn’t turn it off.
Episode Rating – 4/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “Dad pulls the lever at the big house.”, ‘How could this happen? I took every precaution!’ “I washed my hands…Medical School! That’s what I forgot! Medical school!”, Tor pets Dog “Daw, kitty!”
Stinger – “Time for go to bed!”
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Episode –

319 – War of the Colossal Beast. Short – Mr. B Natural:

War of the Colossal Beast
First up is undoubtedly the most famous short ever. We see marching footage that looks like it was in the home economics short. Now we meet, Mr. B Natural, the perky, loud, upbeat, music sprite. Mr. B is also evil, creepy, and a force ready to kill us all. Also a woman plays Mr. B. We see some kids being swell, but out character Buzz Turner is shy and stuff. I love how the bots ham up his dorkyness. Mr. B was hiding his locker. Jump cut to Buzz in his room speaking with the demon itself, Mr. B Natural. Mr. B is the furthest thing from Natural. Buzz gets awkward and says he can’t do anything so Mr. B tells him to shut the hell up. Then we hear different music as Mr. B dances around. Then we see Buzz talk to his parents about being a musician. Then at the music store we see how instruments are made. We see a montage of him playing and then we see him play the same two notes for a solid minute.
War of the Colossal Beast Mr B
Dr. F puts it best. “The unexpected and unwanted squeal to the Amazing Colossal Man.” We see a car drive through some credits and then the drive freaks out. He flees out and begins to scream. The truck owner discusses the lost truck and it had lots of food on it. The cop is extremely unhelpful. We see the driver is comatose and they drive out to find where he was found. Then we see a blonde woman who wants to speak with the man who talked about the truck. By the way none of these characters were in the first film. The blonde woman looks like the fiancé from the last, but it might as well be the same character. She claims to be Glen’s brother, but in the first movie it was said that he had no family. It should have just been the fiancé character. The sister tries to talk to Miguel the truck driver kid and decides to stay until he makes noise. Later in the night he’s freaking out and he says something along the lines of big man. They manage to find Glen’s footprints. They go to the mountains and find parts of another truck. The sister and a major in the military go out looking for him. They find more remnants of trucks and they find Glen. He has his skull exposed and an eye is missing.
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They plan to feed him drugged bread so they can capture him. Our heroes drive the truck and leap out as glen chases them. Glen immediately passes out and they bring him to the US. We get pinballed from company to company with various theme music. This is all paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaading. We see they have Glen tied down and they try to tie him down even more. Glen breaks free so they shoot at him more. You know when he endangers the life of hundreds and breaks a military base I think it’s time to put him down. You know If they want to hold him down get the dwarves to forge Gleipnir. They held Fenrir down till Ragnarök. So there’s more discussion of keeping Glen alive and apparently talking to the Red Cross is almost impossible. They try to measure his brainwaves or something. They show him pictures to try to and job his memory. Glen goes crazy when he sees his sister when she tries to jog his memory. They decide they’re going to leave him on an island. He manages to break one of the chains and he escapes. Also they somehow lose a 60 foot man again. A spot light stupidly misses Glen and I am convinced that EVERYONE is failing their spot checks. Glen picks up the bus full of kids. IS HE GONNA KILL ALL OF THEM!?
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I appreciate the balls this movie has! Sadly no he puts it down safely when his sister. She tries to get to Glen one last time, but he walks off and grabs some power lines. He shocks himself to death and the movie goes to color for a minute. He then vanishes. The end.
In the prologue Joel and the Bots create Mexican food like Madison Avenue would. For the invention exchange the Mads make the Breakfast Bazooka, and Joel makes the Between-Meal Mortar. Dr. F’s is pretty cool. As a matter of fact they’re all really funny. Next skit is the Bots having the ultimate debate: Mr. B Natural…man or woman? Tom is on the stance of man and Crow is firm in his belief that Mr. B is actually a Ms. B Natural. I’m on the female side. This was a funny one. Middle skit is Joel and the Bots sing with the big head when Glen drops by. Once again Glen is actually funny. He talks about how he lost his role and how he has some weird signals, which turn out to be the Golden Girls. Second to last skit is KTLA predicting the future! I don’t get it. Last skit is Joel and the Bots partake of drugged bread and they read a letter for the Colorado Prison.
This movie sucks, but the episode is amazing! The jokes are almost always funny and the short is brilliant. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in a while. This was actually among the first episodes I’ve seen. This was probably the fourth I think. I highly recommend it. This episode was funny as hell. I highly recommend it.
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – All of Mr. B Natural (there really is to much to count), ‘Where’s my truck?!’ “Let me handle this. WHERES HIS TRUCK!?”, “Look theres a big turn with truck parts!”, “Glen this is the Lusitania. It has nothing to do with your life! It was just in the gift shop!”
Stinger – Mr. B Natural prances around like a happy king.
Possible Stinger – Mr. B shouting, “BLASPHEME!”
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Trailer –

318 – Star Force: Fugitive Alien II:

Fugative Alien 2
SANDY FRANK! SANDY FRANK! WE’VE GOT MORE SANDY FRANK (Meant to be sung)! So we open with the credits showing the Bacchus III. Then we see a narration about the last episode/movie. We have some character chatting and Joe talks to the Colonel they met last episode. Ken drops Rtia’s rank insignia and Tammy presses him on the topic. Ken withholds any info. The crew finds a black hole and they discuss the plan about avoiding it. Ken says they could possibly fly through the black hole. The Colonel figures out that Ken is a Star Raider and they get into a small fight. A meteor comes at them in a crappy effect of the ship and meteor not moving, but the stars do. Ken blows it up and Rocky throws the Colonel in the brig. Rocky doesn’t trust anyone. Then Rocky just passes out. They see a large star and they’re supposedly drifting. How the hell did they not find out? They’re stuck in the star’s gravitational pull and can’t escape. They somehow manage to fly away and they all begin to heat up. Everyone begins to freak out for heat exhaustion and space craziness. Ken, Joe, and the Colonel aren’t affected. Their engine blows out and we see they’ve spelt temperature wrong (Tenperture). The Colonel tells Ken that Demeter’s Star is about to explode, thus causing all the heat. Ken and the Colonel fix the engine and they blast away. Everyone wakes up and they’re fine. They try to land on the Colonel’s planets and they say he doesn’t exist. They get attacked and they fire back and kill the evil officers. They land on a remote and dangerous area called the Devil’s Desert. Joe tells Rocky to wait at the ship for him. Rocky denies that and shoots a tranquilizer at him. Rocky, Ken, the Colonel, Dan, and Billy go out in the desert while Tammy parks the ship. They come across a little fort and have to attack it. The Colonel supposedly sells them out, but when all the troops charge at them the Colonel shoots them down and wins their trust. The gang steals some enemy uniforms and they sneak into the enemy base. Ken leaps over an energy fence and they get over without dying. Okay now this is odd. Rocky says a line about how good it is to have a Star Wolf along for the trip. In the original show I think this might be common knowledge as this is around the 2/3 mark of the season, but I don’t think that was ever outright stated. Colonel and Joe know, but Rocky was always suspicious. Just chock that up to the bad continuity of turning a 25 episode show into two hour and a half movies. They get inside the base and plant several explosives. The anthem plays and the Colonel gets a strong sense of patriotism and tries to remove the bombs. He is shot dead. Actually it has every member of that race stand in a hypnotic attention. What if there was a fire or a super important surgery. That and the anthem is kind of long. So are they just screwed? Dan gets stuck behind and energy gate and they have to leave him behind. Ken however goes off to help him and they escape before the bombs go off. There was much rejoicing. Yaaaaay. As they land on a planet Ken sees someone who looks like his mother. The planet’s cops of whatever attack them and we see some pretty good laser effects. They just can’t hit jack shit. This lady is actually a fake who was sent to draw out Ken. A bunch of fights scenes later and the fake mom is caught by the gang. They gang decides that they’ll go with him. A fight breaks out between Halkon and Ken. Bacchus III crashes through the base and is undamaged. During the struggle not Mom dies. Ken steals a ship and chases after him. A battle ensues and after MUCH collateral damage Halkon is shot down. One of the shots is obviously a rip off of the Death Star trench. Halkon declares he cannot die, but he crashes into a building and explodes. Quote Tom, “This has to at least slow him down.” Now on the way back Ken admits he must go back to Valna Star and he thinks he can build a new world. This is a stupid ending. The ending should have been embracing his life as an earthling and decide to spend the rest of as a human! The end.
In the prologue Crow and Tom Servo have their weekly discussion on the nature of puppets and their symbiotic relationship to man. Kind of funny. For the invention exchange the Mads have big noses! Joel has a big head! Both aren’t that funny. Quote Dr. F “They’re just big noses!”. Quote the Bots, “It’s the big head!” Next up is Tom breaking down in the theater. It’s up to Joel and Crow to save him from certain death. We’re screwed. They bring him back to life. Joel and the Bots make a commercial for the Captain Joe action figure. This is pretty damn funny. Remember when Captain Joe won’t fight his problem just try to kill him with a forklift. The SOL crew performs their “Fugitive Alien Medley”. This is fantastic. Everyone shows off their vocal talents and forklifts are frequently mentioned. At the end the Bots consult Leonard Maltin’s movie guide for suggestions for the Mads. That’s good idea cause Temple of Doom has 2 stars, Blade runner got 1 & 1/2, Taxi Driver got 2, Highlander got 1 & 1/2, Escape from New York got 2, Caddyshack got 2, Animal House got 2, and as you can tell I don’t agree with Leonard Maltin most of the time and the MST3K crew shall rip him asunder for countless jokes!
This was much funnier than the last Fugitive Alien, but the film is equally bad or worse. The editing was awful, had next to no continuity, and scenes just started despite them being in a completely different location, and the ending annoyed me. It was funny, but once again the show was probably much better!
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “”You know I love the whole incoherent Mighty Jack style.”, any variant of the Forklift song, “’ tried to help him.’ “But he chewed half his leg off!”
Stinger – “Captain! I’ve got the cooling unit fixed!” Then Ken passes out.
Episode –