403 – City Limits

city limits
Since it’s a FVI filmwe have fake credits. So what now? Footage from Taxi Driver? Footage from Sidehackers? Random footage that isn’t from anything? NO! Just a blank card that says City Limits. Picturesque filmmaking. Also Jame Earl Jones & Kim Cattrall are in it! NICE! The film takes place 15 years in the future. So 2000? So in the future time has no meaning since a shot is day for night at first, but then its pitch black outside. The future has bikers clad in typical strange garb you see in apocalypse movies. Leather, random bits of cloth, some animal hide, and more leather. So our characters bring a wounded guy to James Earl Jones’s home and he starts narrating.
city limits 1 & 3
Adults killed by a plague and kids dying from neglect. So now we see a guy wearing a bone mask meeting some girl. Also this has FVI freeze frames for credits. They mess with some color and paste the name on the bottom. So the two get into a giant metal bathtub together. Joel decides to be a buzz kill and opens his umbrella to censor them. So bone mast guy leaves to become a biker and we find the title sign. So our hero (named Weyland I think) is looking for a gang of surviving humans called the Clippers. Then a truck almost hits him. Maybe it’s the messed up New York feel to it, the bikers, and talk of gangs, but this is REALLY reminding me of Warriors and Streets of Fire. Now we meet the beauty that is Kim Cattrall. Granted she’s not as beautiful as she was in Big Trouble Little China, but still. Kim is Kim. So after some people in a base tell him to get off his bike he rides off and finds some biker thugs. We see some more people who look stupidly dressed as they chase him. Some guy named Burt locks up his bike and the entire gang begins to ride past him. He immediately becomes friends with them and one guy declares him as Superman. He declares his interest to join them, but they tell him they don’t need anyone. So we see the Clipper’s home base where they keep all their motorcycles. Weyland chats with one of the members and they are held up. Burt claims he killed some guy named Bob, but our hero manages to beat them up and escapes. Him and the girl hide from the Clippers and she laughs at the fact that he’s bleeding. The two ride off and we cut back to the Clippers. They start talking about clothes and how one of them eats cat food. Really in the apocalypse it shouldn’t matter. Weyland gets brought back and they discuss the rules. Don’t cross boarders, no guns, and no murder. The leader says he should just give him up. So they talk about comics and how they’ll have a trail by combat regarding his fate. So the villain of the movie talks with the man from before regarding the trial. So they go drive up to a former museum where they conduct the trial. Also Kim! There’s talk of a corporation working for the government. There’s talk off lights, medicine, and food. Now it feels like it’s a rip off of Beyond Thunderdome. So the fight is conducted via joust. Shock of all shocks, the Clippers win. Cut over the villain’s warehouse base. Kim is chatting with two guys and one of them is called like “Chopper” or something. So cravat villain and the main villain chat a bit about being behind schedule. We see the villain breaks one of the rules of no guns and has a few smuggled in beer. Instead shooting him they just let him run around and try to escape. So they interrogates Whitey for a bit and then shoots him dead. So what happens if someone breaks the rules? Are they kicked out of their gang? Are they like shunned or something? So there’s a miniature montage of stuff we never saw about Whitey. Kim looks up what she should do and her computer tells her to get work forces via any means possible. So cravat villain flips out about cutting people off and trying to keep contact with the Clippers. Then there’s some footage of people driving around walking. Kim sneaks around and gets underground. Kim re-surfaces nearby the Clipper’s funeral pyre for Whitey. Kim tries to warn them and the cravat villain tries to bring him so they would be spared. They get into a scuffle and the villains start shooting at them. A couple of people get tagged and the movie goes into slow-mo. Kim hops on with someone as our heroes either flee or die. They escape to….not the place at the beginning of the movie. Kim works her medical knowledge and heals Mick (the leader of the Clippers). There’s a strange personal flashback, but the way how it’s filmed makes it seem like it’s happening concurrently with what’s going on. They manage to steal some motorbikes for Kim and some other gal in the Clippers. So our heroes try to sneak into the villain’s warehouse and now I’m wondering what the hell was up with James Earl Jones. He’s not narrating an of this so I’m confused about his purpose. They manage to meet up with some of the Clippers and they find guns, but no bullets. Mick leaves and finds cravat guy. They talk and Mick is beat up by the villains, but the Clippers ride in and save Mick. One of them lobs Molotov Cocktails and destroys a truck. Finally cut back to James Earl Jones. Actually we just replay the beginning of the film.
city limits 1 & 3
So we see some characters stand around each other and not say or do anything. James looks like he’s in much better clothes then the rags everyone else is wearing. One girl kicks her bike down so she walks off with one of the guys. He shows her a motorcycle to replace the one she broke. One guy drives off on it and immediately crashes it. What a screw up. Mick wants to abandon the lost city, but everyone else is adamant so our hero punches the wounded man in the face. Our hero makes out with Kim (lucky bastard) after a stupid one-sided conversation she has. So everyone decides to go back and we get a motorcycle repair montage. They leave in their stupid outfits and ride off back to the city.
city limits 4
They get inside the base and start some uprisings. People get thrown out windows, people just run away, and violence happens that we cant see cause the camera is from a distant outside shot. So James Earl Jones drives around in a rec Cadillac dressed in a stupid costume. Then a gunfight ensues as everyone gets in the parking lot. Also I think cravat guy betrayed his evil team. The villains take Kim hostage and get out a large machine gun. However they dint actually kill anyone. Seeing Crow flip out at the villain hits Kim is kinda of hilarious. James pulls out a remote control plane, flies it into things, and they explodes. Kim easily escapes and James blows up the villain. So they capture the guy who was in charge of it I guess and cravat guy kills him extremely easy. What the hell was his purpose!? So everything is hunky dory I guess? The end.
In the opening Joel says Ping Pong balls. Then they fall from the sky. Maybe cause I never watched Captain Kangaroo I didn’t think it was funny. For some reason Crow’s remark “They’ve been up there for months!” is pretty funny. Next up is the invention exchange. Joel shows off his Mr. Meat & Potato Head toys. The Mads demo Pop Star Tupperware. Next up Crow declares his love for Kim Cattrall and sings for her. Kinda funny and who doesn’t love Kim? Next up the SoL crew investigate and create their own superheroes. Not that funny. Really Deep Man is really deep, man. Next skit is exactly the same. Dull. At the end Joel and the bots try to play the City Limits trivia game, but they can’t remember anything about the movie. They read some letters instead. Honestly I don’t blame them cause this movie sucked!
Yet another dull biker movie. It has an apocalypse twist to it, but that doesn’t add. As a matter of fact its more dull than Wild Rebels cause of the extended scenes of people just standing around, walking around, or just laying around with shirts or pants off. The action is dull, the characters are boring, and the acting is stilted. Aside from the two big exceptions. Kim Cattrall and James Earl Jones. James brings his typical gravitas and Kim is amazing in everything….and I’m not just saying that because she’s beautiful! Well…kinda. With Crow’s blatant admiration for her, she was actually flattered and sent him a bouquet of flowers. The episode is kinda dull. The skits sucked, but the riffs were fairly funny. I’d recommend a viewing.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Hey we found the title!”, “Be careful. These guys are trained cable installers.”
Stinger – The remote control explosives kills the villain.
Episode –
Trailer –

402 – The Giant Gila Monster

giant gila monster
Our film of the hour starts with a narration and shots of a swamp. Are watching Boggy Creek? Sadly no we’re watching a teen monster movie. We see two kids in a car and they are IMMEDIATELY killed. No dialog, no reactions, no nothin!
giant gila monster 1 I don’t think the movie is about them
If the movie stays like this it’ll be 10 minutes long! Now we see a bunch of teen, being swell, and dancing. I am fully expecting the teens to just die right now considering the opening. They talk about cars and now I have the urge to watch American Graffiti. One of the girls just starts in another language as a guy known as Old Harris shows up. They want to buy his car off him, but he talks about selling it in New York City. The sound quality is bad, but shockingly it’s better than Space Travelers. They talk about a couple that didn’t make it to the party so I assume they’re the ones who died. Two people argue about searching for the kids from before and they argue about…control of the kids I think? Something like that. So the sheriff meets with a teen (who might be the hero) at an auto shop and they talk about the teens that vanished. The sheriff knocks on a door and it instantly opened. Were they waiting at the door? They talk about someone who might be the girl. I don’t know. The other cop from before comes the auto shop. At this point the poor sound quality is killing me. I can BARELY understand the dialog. Funny thing about the scene is that both of them have their feet on the table. The auto shop guy is on the phone and they find a crashed car. This is a clean Gila monster cause he eats up his victims without mess. We see more driving and Gila monster eats a dude. There’s an awful continuity shot where its day when he drives, pitch black when his lights shine on the briefcase, and then stays dark in the scene. The Gila watches and doesn’t eat them. Our hero goes somewhere to met his girl so he puts up his knee to pass the time. Our hero is the boyfriend of the French gal and worked at the auto shop. I think his name is Chase. So Chase drives beside some drunk guy who crashes into a sign. We try to have humor by making the drunk guy think he can drive while Chase tows him. The drunk guy was a DJ and gave Chase $40. Chase talks with the sheriff and there’s talk of him getting fired if he can’t find them or something within a few days. Chase gets his buddies to help look. Also Chase is a teen with a bald spot. While searching our heroes are almost eaten by the Gila. They found a car crashed into a ditch and our heroes go to look. There are cut-ins of the monster, but they don’t look like they’re anywhere near each other.
giant gila monster 2
They return to the cop and talk about finding the empty car. Then we see a truck diver who is killed almost instantly. However the monster doesn’t kill him. It licks in a cutaway, the truck driver falls onto his side, the truck explodes, and then the Gila walks in from another scene. Then our hero walks home and lifts up his mom. Turns out its his little sister’s new shoes. Actually his handicapped sister learned to walk. This scene has a funny moment where the white just cuts out and the screen is black for a second. This is supposed to be a heartwarming moment, but its kinda funny due to his bad singing.
giant gila monster 3
Then the white cuts out for a moment again. Then he drives off to the sheriff for reasons I couldn’t hear. Seriously I watched the scene like 4 times and I couldn’t understand a world of it. They find the blown up truck and I think that’s the most expensive scene in the movie. The sheriff and an old guy talk about the crash I guess. Once again I can’t really hear anything. Its not my headphones or the speaker. The audio is that bad! Then we hear people listen to the radio and talking about a steamroller. Next up is a drunken driving guy who sings, races against a train, and almost dies. The Gila walks under the bridge and destroys it. Then it just wanders off to a river like its bored. The drunk guy gets a POV of the monster and judging by this shot he’s driving in the lakebed. The train crashes and the drunk guy just turns around and leaves. He’s just like “Fuck this noise!” So we see our sheriff and the drunk guy talks to him about the lizard. Our hero goes home and he sings again. The hero talks on the phone more and we dissolve to our hero talking with the sheriff. They talk about the lizard and a zoologist. Good thing we’re learning about lizards. Then they go to a dance in a barn. About as fun as it sounds. Our hero brings in the DJ from earlier. Some guy talks to the sheriff and blames him for the death of his son. He says he’s guilty for not finding what kills him. I don’t see how ANY OF THIS is his fault! Then back to the dull ass party and the hero plays some stupid ukulele music. Remember when there was a lizard in this film? Oh there it is.
giant gila monster 4
I bet the lizard will be cut into the scene at random, and people will react to something that’s not there. That’s exactly what happens. The lizard just looks REALLY confused in every shot. Especially when it’s head just rams into the building. Our hero and the sheriff drive off to chase the lizard. Our hero gets some nitro and makes a big deal about them crashing into each other. So he drives like a maniac. The lizard gets into a house and we find that it may have eaten his sister. Huh. Kinda ballsy for a movie like this. We see the sister is still alive, but they almost run her over. Our hero lets his car drive into the Gila and it explodes. Also when he let of the nitro to drive why didn’t it fling into the windshield and explode. Our heroes are alive, the lizard is dead, and the movie is over. Thank god!
Opening skit is OH GOD! Joel has sewn Crow’s head on Tom’s body so they can become the Thing With 2 Heads! AAAAAHHHHH! SO after that terrifying display we hear from Frank that Dr. F is dead. Only he’s not dead. For the invention exchange Joel has a radio with a tuner that only picks up channels from old sitcoms and movies. The Mads demonstrate their Renaissance Festival punching bags. I would LOVE Joel’s invention! In the next skit Joel has turned a spare closet into a teen pavilion/barbershop as seen in the film. Joel throws a tantrum about the Bots “messing with his skit” despite the fact that they were playing along. Middle skit is the SoL crew celebrating the classic drunks, and Crow asks, “When did public intoxication stop being funny?” They do their own versions of funny drunks. It ends up turning into an after school special. Also Tom has a stroke. Pretty funny. Skit four is “Servo on Cinema”. A show in which Tom walks about films. Joel and Crow cannot resist butting in. Pretty funny when we see a montage of all the times people have their legs up. In the final skit the SoL crew has a fake band, but Crow lampshades that it’s the same thing they did with SpiDorr. Also the letter leads into a long-lived joke from the future. A little girl thinks Crow’s name is Art. This’ll make sense in about two or thee seasons.

How did I ever miss this one before? That Gila was incredible! I love how he barely caused any of those accidents directly! He just basically waddled around the whole movie and is cut in with accidents and people screaming. The episode is very, very funny with funny skits. The movie is dull as all hell, very poorly made, and even without the riffing I couldn’t comprehend most of the scenes. There’s a bunch of padding and some scenes go on for WAY to long. The death scenes suck due to them randomly cutting in the lizard. This film is terrible, but the episode is amazing. I recommend it.
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Is there anywhere for me to put my knee up here on boy?”, “You know when I look at the human race I just gotta laugh. I got a chickpea for a brain and I’m still smarter than they are! Go figure.”, “Hey he put on some weight like DeNiro!” “What do you mean? That is DeNiro.”. “I just know I’m gonna take the blame for this and I wasn’t even close!”, “Before she could barely walk, now she’s luggin furniture!”, “Seig heil everybody, seig heil.”
Stringer – Drunken old Harris gags on soda
Possible Stinger – The teens in the beginning instantly being killed.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNWLs7IgbZY
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3b0NWljlPw

401 – Space Travelers:

Welcome to Season 4 everybody. Are you excited? Cause I sure as hell am! A bit of pre-movie trivia this film is the only film to have been given an Academy Award and also featured on MST3K. Not kidding it won an Oscar for Best Visual Effects and was also nominated for Best Cinematography and Best Sound. I usually don’t agree with the Oscars so lets just jump in. Speaking of the film this is yet another Film Venture International release. It’s original title was Marooned and the opening sequence is just a bunch of random 3-D imagery. Also Gene Hackman is in it. And directed by…John Sturgers….Director of The Magnificent Seven and The Great Escape…one of my favorite movies of all time…I am actually kind of excited now! We see some ducks and a spaceship gets ready to launch. They launch and it looks realistic. That’s cause its stock footage. Now I’m getting some Stranded in Space flashbacks as we see our characters sitting in their suits in the cockpit. There’s a lot of footage of them getting rid of stuff and confirming stuff. Our characters chat a bit and we see some of them in space doing stuff.
Marooned 1
They talk about doing the whole seven months in space and it seems positive. There are some minor issues, but nothing is perfect. The failures are enough to make them want to bring them down, but it fails. They are stuck in orbit now and running out of oxygen. They estimate they’ll run out within 2 days. This is already a kind of dull movie. There’s just a lot of repeating dialog and talking this limited activity. It doesn’t help that there is no music. Score really helps out movies and now I feel like taking a nap. There are a lot of space shots as everyone talks amongst themselves about eating food. There’s a sub plot about a hurricane coming over Cuba…I guess that’s a thing. Cut to a boardroom scene where they try to launch another ship. Honestly I’m with the guy who says they shouldn’t try. It costs a lot of money and they could lose more than 3 lives. I know nothing about rocket science, but what if the ship crashes after take off or explodes in orbit? They talk to the astronauts and recommend they lower the oxygen. The guy on Ground Control requests they fall asleep to use less oxygen. There’s some driving and we see people working on a rescue mission. Back in the ship they turn off a bunch of stuff to use less power I guess.
Marooned 2
One of the guy’s brother and we get some character development I guess. Back on the ground the astronaut’s wives and they talk about goodbyes. The wives talk to their husbands about varying topics. Family, insurance, projects to work on, letters from the president, and the fact that they love them. Gene begins to freak out and they…do nothing. W see they have 60 seconds till launch, but they cancel due to weather. So that was up with the hurricane sub-plot? So Gene gives them a thanks, but the message gets cut off. The main man of ground control has an interview, but has an epiphany after he sees some numbers. Then the storm just passes. The man on GC talks with the astronauts and it’s really just talking about how they might end of dying. The captain gets mad and starts demanding launch times. There’s about a two hour gap between launch and actually getting to them. In this scene the astronauts are taking to one another, but they’re all breathing on their microphones so there’s a loud sound of breath. The short film I made in English class had better sound quality! And I didn’t have a mic! They talk about killing someone for less oxygen. Kill Gene. He’s breathing the most and using the most oxygen. He even acknowledges this so the captain says he’s going to go out and try to fix the engine. Despite the fact that earlier the man on GC told them to not do anything. The captain removes himself and tears his suit. He dies and the others have to watch as he drifts off into the great unknown.
Marooned 3
I know this is meant to be tragic or something cause the captain sacrificed himself, but Gene should have died. He WAS using the most oxygen. We still hear them breathing on the mics and it’s annoying as all hell. The other man up there gets pissed at Gene for using more oxygen. Exactly why they should have let him die. A rescue ship comes up and they’ll be saved in six minutes. Considering that we have 15 min means this’ll be a long 6 minutes. MY god did no one see that breathing into the mic that happens for the last 20 minutes as a sound issue in post production!? They get out of the ship and are rescued by a Russian ship. Gene leaps to the Russian, but he misses and starts drifting.
Marooned 4
The American ship flies by to the ship of our heroes and he manages to save Gene. One lengthy and boring sequence later and the Americans are saved. The End.
We begin with The Great Crowdini attempts to escape, hanging upside-down, from a set of chains while a cannon is pointed at his head. However Crow loses the key. Next skit Crow reveals the secret to his escape. Which is chewing his own head off. The invention exchange is the Dollaroid, a camera that puts pictures on Money. The Mads have Tissues with Faces. Both are funny and the Bots point out its uselessness. In the second skit Joel and the Bots lists the ways the space program has influenced everyday life. Most are a little bit of a stretch. Kinda funny at first. Middle skit is the SoL crew reenacting a scene from the movie. Crow begins getting to into his roles so Joel drags him away for some quiet time. Kinda funny. Next skit is Joel contemplating what would happen if one of the SOL crew had to sacrifice themselves in space. The Bots point out that he’s the only one who has to deal with this breathing problem. That’s pretty hilarious. Joel fakes out Gypsy while playing fetch and demonstrates a magic trick for Crow and Tom, “Find the Finder of Lost Loves”. The Bots end up frustrated and confused by his pop culture references.
This is a pretty funny episode, but a disappointingly bad movie. I loved Magnificent 7 and Great Escape is one of my favorite movies of all time. This film lacked a major thing that those movies have. It’s character. I didn’t give a crap about any of them and I didn’t care who would die. In Great Escape I wanted to see everyone escape and were saddened about the deaths. Also it lacked music and that really hurt the film. It was dull and boring without any sound in the extended sequences. Then again this is coming from the guy who thought that 2001 was just all right. The jokes are funny, the skits are funny, and it’s a nice start to season 4.
Episode Rating – 7/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – Any time Crow mistakes James Franciscus for Tony Franciosa (this happens a lot), “We suggest you start breathing in shifts.”, “We’re kind of getting used to the idea of death. I told Stoney I love him.”
Stinger – Gene Hackman contemplate taking a pill.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax3q-RkVIt4
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEpHyC72gss