Category Archives: Mystery Science Retrospective (Season 2)


Season 2 was a definite step up from Season 1. The host segments were funnier and more focused, the jokes were much funnier, and Kevin Murphy as Tom is absolutely wonderful. Gypsy got some flushing out so we get to see that she’s a lot smarter. Good development. He’ll be continuing to the end of the series. On the negative side this season they really did the sketch of a ship coming into range and people bothering them. It’s so damn annoying when they do the same joke every other episode! There were three god-awful biker movies and 4 awful Libbert films. The highlight episodes were “Jungle Goddess”, “Ring of Terror”, and “Godzilla vs. Megalon”. On the other side of the coin “The Side Hackers”, “Catalina Caper”, “Rocket Attack USA”, “Lost Continent”, and “The Hellcats” were very, very difficult to sit through. Next season really cemented that the show would be worth it’s greatness.

212 – Godzilla Vs. the Sea Monster

Godzilla vs the Sea Monster
Next Godzilla movie! I can’t wait! As you can plainly tell from the length of the last review I am a colossal Godzilla fan. This was originally supposed to King Kong, movie, but it became a Godzilla movie when they couldn’t get the rights to show King Kong. This is the first time we see Film Ventures International distribute a movie so something to point out about the movies. They never used the actual opening credits. They used footage from other movies with god-awful quality. The footage for this movie was from Son of Godzilla. The movie Godzilla’s Revenge uses mass amounts from stock footage from this movie and Son of Godzilla to the point where it might as well be a greatest hits movie. We see footage of a ship being thrown and tossed asunder by a dangerous storm. Two months later I guess we see people praying. They talk about how a woman’s son is either dead or alive. He was on the ship destroyed by the storm. Then we see people partying. Some guy wants to get on a boat and they decide to steal it. For some reason the guy who owns it lets them stay for the night, but they must leave early. What he didn’t expect was for them to get them out to sea. The three conclude that the owner of the boat stole a bunch of money. They come to this conclusion after he turns off the radio when it mentioned a man who stole said money. The person who stole the boat is looking for his brother who presumably is the same brother who died in the boat crash. Apparently storm clouds come over them so that means they’re probably gonna die like the dudes brother. Well if they wanted to meet the brother in heaven they’re almost there. It’s true though about him stealing the money. It breaks out of a suitcase and is covered in water. A giant claw destroys the boat and they washed onto shore. They all survived too. They then start rock climbing. As long as it’s not twenty minutes long I’m fine. They get to the top and one of them cuts his hand on a sword. They dine on fruit and discuss their location. They find a ship and they jump with joy. They find a military base guarded with armed gunman and the commander wears an eye patch. Part of the cargo they’re bringing on is a woman and a bunch of other people. The people run off, but are gunned down. The soldiers waste bullets shooting at two dudes on a rowboat. Doesn’t matter though. The island is guarded by a giant crab monster named Ebirah. Not a particularly cool monster. Just a giant crab.
Ebirah Ebirah
In Godzilla Final Wars Ebirah is killed by regular humans and mutants. The lady has escaped into the jungle and the talk of cannibals is really reminding me of Jungle Holocaust. That means it won’t end well in the slightest. Then I think we see actual cannibals (okay they’re actually just island people) praying to their god. Mothra. Mothra is apparently really lazy and can only do stuff if she is prayed to.
Godzilla vs the Sea Monster Mothra
Our heroes find Godzilla being super lazy and sleeping. They try to sneak into the enemy headquarters for…some reason. They quickly enter the building and find out the villain group is named Red Bamboo. They just sort of enslave the natives of the island. They make some sort of weird gas weapon. The thief finds a way out of a room for them and they continue to wander a round. Our heroes meet Sergeant Cyclops (not his actual named) and they through the gas weapons at them. Maybe it’s mustard gas. They escape and the villains shoot them at with worse aim than the Storm Troopers. One of them flies off in a hot air balloon. Huh. They return to the Godzilla room. He remains asleep. One of the guys was captured and brought to the room of slaves. The gas formula apparently stops the monster Ebirah from attacking. Cut back to Mothra and it’s still asleep. The hot air balloon guy lands halfway through the Mothra wake up dance and he meets his brother who is somehow alive. They decide to wake Godzilla by sticking the sword in the rocks and wire leading to his back and wait for lightning to strike through it to wake up Godzilla. The two brothers reach Ebirah’s location, a storm starts, and lightning strikes thus waking Godzilla up. I assume the two brothers die and they don’t. Godzilla breaks through his stone-resting place and he seems pretty small for some reason. There are frequent shots of the sky I forgot to point out. They just point to the sky for no reason. So Godzilla and Ebirah get involved in boulder tennis and almost kill the brothers with said boulder. They keep doing boulder tennis. I guess Godzilla’s fire breath takes some time to charge when he wakes up. Never mind he’s frying Ebirah with said fire breath. Ebirah and Godzilla engage in fisticuffs for a while, until Ebirah takes the fight underwater. Godzilla smashes him with a boulder a few times so Ebirah flees for now. Our heroes try to capture Godzilla for some reason. And our heroes are reunited with the brothers. The evil dudes run into Godzilla and they run off in fright. Godzilla chases after the girl once again reminding us once again that it was supposed to be King Kong. Then a Giant Condor attacks Godzilla. This fight scene is awful. The camera is just shaken around as the bird puppet it flapped around as Godzilla flails awkwardly. Then he kills it with his fire breath. Well that was pointless. Then some fighter jets attack Godzilla. Ends as well as you’d think. Godzilla then goes over the base and crushes it. The slaves are almost killed by Godzilla, but Godzilla loses interest. Sergeant Cyclops sets the Island to explode as the slaves try to escape and are barely saved by out heroes. Really astounds me that there’s twenty minutes left. The villains try to use their gas, but it’s a fake and they are all immediately killed. Godzilla and Ebirah fight again. They just sort of splash around and occasionally hit each other.
Godzilla vs the Sea Monster 1
Godzilla shoots fire, then back to underwater fighting. Godzilla bites off his claw and rips off the other arm. Then Ebirah just leaves. The slaves make a makeshift…thing, but they decide to take Mothra off the island. Oh right Mothra was in this movie! Godzilla just walks off and roars a bit to Mothra. Probably arguing over how lazy Mothra is and how she’ll be the cause of SpaceGodzilla. Godzilla shoots some fire at her so she shoots some heavy air at Godzilla. She flies the people off as the island explodes. They try to convince Godzilla water as the island explodes, but Godzilla has survived plenty of nuclear explosions. Then they use mirrored stock footage of Godzilla jumping in the water used in the previous episode. They open it up like there’s going to be a sequel, but unless the Red Bamboo were working for the Black Hole Planet 3 Aliens (Race of monkey people who made MechaGodzilla) I doubt it would happen! Opening skit is Joel reading Velveteen Rabbit story. Joel’s invention is the Mind Control Guitar. Neat. Dr. F’s is Doggie Chew Toy Guitars. Both are kind of funny. The insane cinematography for Dr. F and Frank playing is hilarious. Next up is the Godzilla Genealogy Bop song sung by Joel. Sung to explain Godzilla’s fictional history. This song is actually pretty good. Ron Perlman is grandson of Godzilla. Let that thought see in. Next skit is weird. Joel builds famous monuments out of random appliances he found around the ship. Tom and Crow think he’s slowly going insane so they destroy the models for his own good. Next skit is…the Mothra talking to the bots when they pretended to be the twin priestesses. You know my feelings by know. Hate it! Last skit is Joel teaches the bots about famous saying that actors didn’t actually say. Cut out Mothra’s very limited appearance and remove all instances of Godzilla and replace it with King Kong. Congratulations you just made this movie into King Kong vs. the Sea Monster! The movie is mediocre and by Godzilla stands regardless. It’s slow, the fighting is dull, and I was never particularly liked Mothra in the original series. S/he really became cool when it started kicking ass in Godzilla vs. Mothra in the Heisei series. The episode has some funny moments, but it’s not as funny as Vs. Megalon. I’d still recommend it.
Episode Rating – 4/10
Movie Rating – 4/10
Favorite Riff – “Playboys and a half eaten sandwich. This is the janitor’s room!”
Stinger – Everyone bows down before Mothra
Episode –
Trailer – (English) (Japanese)

212 – Godzilla Vs. Megalon

Godzilla Vs Megalon
We start with a narration that tells of a nuclear test on an island. We see Godzilla, Rodan, and Anguirus getting annoyed by the explosions. The credits just appear and we see a kid playing on stupid looking water toys.
Godzilla Vs Megalon 1
We see two other dudes relaxing and an earthquake from the explosion. The kid can’t get back to shore alone so they shoot a rocket at him so he can grab on. Then we see the ocean…freeze and explode I guess? Oh no…That’s not for another season! They bring the kid back in and the idea that they brought a missile and 50 feet of coiled rope to a picnic is goddamn hilarious. They we see them driving off and listening to the radio. They’re back at their house and we find that their house was broken into. We have no idea what the relationships are so we can assume they’re a gay couple that adopted a kid. Some people broke into their house and tried to beat them up, but our heroes won as the robbers/assaulters drive off. One of the dudes follows them as the other finds that their robot Jet Jaguar is fine. Jet Jaguar was designed by a contest winner for a monster movie. He looks like Ultraman, but Jet Jaguar is so cool. He was originally supposed to be star of the movie, but they put Godzilla in the movie to get more of a box office.
Godzilla Vs Megalon 2
Back to the car chase. While swerving around at the speed of sound something explodes and our hero lost the villains. There was sand scattered around the house and we see that the sand is red and white. They destroy the button and they start doing massive work to finish Jet Jaguar. The guys who broke in stuck a microphone in their house so they can spy on our heroes. The kid drove off on his comically tiny toy car and got captured by the villains and is forced at gunpoint to let them into the house. The villain shoots them with a knock out spray and they take Jet Jaguar. We see that masterminds are an underground civilization that’s being disturbed by the nuclear tests. They worship the titular monster Megalon as a god. The nuclear tests have made destroyed a third of the villain’s underground country so they wage war against Earth by begging Megalon to help them. It does and Megalon looks so cool. A giant rhinoceros beetle, with drill arms, and fold out wings. Badass! It flies/drills to the surface and we see out heroes being tied up and captured.
Megalon Megalon
One of our heroes is left to help control Jet Jaguar. The underground dwellers are called the Seatopians and they need Jet Jaguar to control Megalon. One of heroes escapes and leaves to save his friends who are being sent to execution. One car chase later and Japan starts mobilizing to defend against Magalon. The captured heroes are dangling off the edge of a truck so Rex Dart Eskimo Spy (he’s our other hero that chased everyone around in cars) saves them. Rex Dart drives off just as Megalon destroys the dam and floods the area. Megalon smacks the storage case the other two are in and it goes flying! They land safely and are still alive. Rex Dart finds our other heroes Roxane and Goro (I think that’s their names. I just pieced it together). The military attacks Megalon and guess what. It does jack. Actually they do fine and stagger Megalon for a while until he busts out his special moves. Megalon shoots napalm bombs out of his mouth and he shoots lightning out of his horn. Badass! They intercept Jet Jaguar and regain control of him. They send Jet Jaguar to get Godzilla from Monster Island. In the mean time the Seatopians ask for help the Space Hunter Nebula M Aliens and ask to have Gigan assist Megalon in the destruction of Earth. This is sadly only one of three movies to have Gigan (the others being VS Gigan and Final Wars) and this is the only movie with Megalon. Megalon goes berserk due to a lack of a control and starts attacking a group of planes. There is a hilarious shot where they show Megalon swipe at a plane, but they use stock footage of Gigan’s hook claw from Godzilla vs. Gigan hitting a plane. Actually they use that shot several times. Megalon is always hopping around everywhere instead of flying or walking. Jet Jaguar contacts Godzilla and he brings him to fight Megalon. He supposedly told him to stop Megalon and save the people, but knowing Godzilla he’s just being territorial and doesn’t want some underground monster to wreak havoc on his lands or he just wants a good fight. We see a hilarious shot of Godzilla cannonball into the water and start swimming. We see some footage of Megalon destroying Japan and Godzilla we get to see Godzilla still swimming. He’s not close or anything he’s just still swimming. As if to say, “I’m on my way. I hope I’ll be able to save at least ONE building!” So Roxane and Rex Dart Eskimo Spy go on a dangerous mission to get the Seatopian out of their house. They hit him in the face with a toy plane and they beat the crap out of him. Our trinity of heroes run off and Gigan arrives to aid Megalon via exploding diamond. I love Gigan. He’s one of my favorite monsters. For those who don’t know he’s this large green and gold lizard like monster with a buzz saw on his stomach, hook blade hands, a beak, sort of wings, and a red visor for an eye that shoots a red laser. Badass! He looks even cooler in Final wars when he replaces the green and gold with black and black, and trades his hook arms with buzz saws. Even more badass!
Gigan Gigan
Jet Jaguar finally arrives and JJ shows off a new and badass skill. Growing to extreme size so he can fight alongside Godzilla. JJ just karate shops Megalon in the face and they start their fight.
Jet Jaguar Jet Jaguar
Gigan arrives and knocks JJ down. They exchange roars, fore arm clanging, and have a monster bro fist by clanging their arm weapons. They knock JJ around and make short work of him until…Godzilla steps in to save JJ. They exchange monster noise and I assume they’re talking about how Godzilla just beat Gigan a movie ago and the formation of battle pacts. Godzilla actually easily handles both of them while JJ recovers. Gigan knocks him down and actually makes blood gush from his shoulder when his chest saw comes into contact. Godzilla fires at him with his fire breath and sends Gigan flying into some buildings. Presumably the home of our trinity of heroes. They pair off with Godzilla fighting Megalon and JJ fighting Gigan. Gigan beats JJ down and almost takes his head off, but Godzilla stops him. Shockingly Godzilla actually takes a heavy beating from the two’s ranged attacks trying to save JJ. JJ flies him and Godzilla behind the two and Godzilla pelts the two with his fire. Gigan tries to flee, but JJ knocks him down and breaks his arms before Godzilla blasts him down after being thrown. Gigan flees before he can be killed leaving a wounded Megalon on the ground. Warning! What follows is quiet possibly the greatest moment in Godzilla history! JJ holds up Megalon, Godzilla runs back, and does a leaping kick at Megalon. It’s not just a jump kick. Godzilla is kept in the air and perpetually in motion by his tail dragging across the ground!
Godzilla Vs Megalon 4
It’s so great they use it for their opening in Season 4 & 5. It’s so great they show a repeat! It’s amazing! Godzilla throws his back into the ground and Megalon drills back into the ground in defeat and shame. Actually the fact that he can still stand is astounding! The Seatopians seal off their entrances and exits to the surface and are never seen again. JJ and Godzilla share a handshake in friendship and Godzilla returns home.
Godzilla Vs Megalon 5
JJ returns to regular size and reunites with his creators. He then sings his theme song. I’m not kidding he has a theme song! THE END!
First skit is Joel and the Bots hosting a stereotypical morning magazine show. Invention exchange for both sides is easy-to-make Halloween costumes. Pretty funny. I love my overly complex costumes that take months to make. Next skit is Tom and Crow covering up their naughty pictures by saying they made up monsters as reference to Jet Jaguar’s origin. They keep trying to one up each other by making their monsters cooler than the other. Next skit is using James Bond style music over our hero in car chases and him being awesome. Declaring him to be Rex Dart Eskimo Spy. Simplicity is amazing sometimes and that skit was funny. Don’t know why, but it sure was funny. Next skit is Crow and Tom perform their own incredibly dark take on Orville Redenbacher commercials. Last skit is Joel upgrading the bots to have their arms replaced by weapons. Crow gets a coat hanger and a claw. Tom has a flamethrower and Swiss army knife arm. Then we see the fake lyric translation for the JJ theme song, which is so funny. They end with a Monty Python reference “What manner of bot are you, who can conjure flame without flint or tinder?” Absolutely amazing! The jokes are fast, funny, and your always laughing. The movie itself is amazing. Godzilla vs. Megalon is my second favorite movie in the series, right behind Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah. It has a slow start, but it flows. The bomb falls; we meet our heroes Roxance, Goro, and Rex Dart Eskimo Spy, we see the Seatopians, we see JJ and Megalon, they save JJ, JJ gets Godzilla, Megalon destroys some stuff, awesome fight scene, the end. The action is always happening and unlike others in the series and the Gamera series theres barely any exposition. We’re shown it all and it’s entertaining. I especially love the fight scene. It’s a long battle with lots of turning points. JJ is winning until Gigan shows up, Godzilla’s appearance and entry to the battle brings it back over the side of good, however when Godzilla saves JJ he’s vulnerable to their attacks, and then they defeat Megalon and Gigan when they strategize. Also that’s another thing I love. The monsters interaction. In perevious and future movies they seem to just sort of tolerate each other or fight each other, but here it seems like an alliance. Gigan and Megalon communicating seems natural for monsters who both want to destroy Earth and they quickly join up and beat down on JJ. Godzilla showing up has more interactions and we can see that Gigan is clearly anger at Godzilla’s arrival and being reminded of his previous defeat. Once again Godzilla saving JJ from Gigan and Megalon is different from when him and Rodan had to be convinced into helping Mothra fight Ghidorah. Even then I still think it was over territory. This time he was impressed by JJ’s stamina and will to keep going so he ricked his life to save a fighter he barely knew. The handshake at the end shows that he respects JJ more than most monsters, as not once does he ever try to fight him. It’s honestly sad that JJ never made another appearance. It would have been cool to see him team up with the younger Godzilla in the Millennium series or even team up with the current Godzilla in Terror of MechaGodzilla. Now I’m just rambling. Go see it! This is an amazing episode and should never be passed up!
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 10/10
Favorite Riff – Tom talking about the fight between JJ and Megalon – “I know I’m supposed to be excited and all, but all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys.”
Stinger – Godzilla cannonballing into the water.
Possible Stinger – Godzilla’s leaping tail kick or Megalon knocking the crate into the air and it flying off.
Episode –
Trailer – (Japanese) (American)

210 – King Dinosaur: Short: X Marks the Spot

King Dinosaur 1
The short starts with an old guy talking about people dying. Odd start, but it leads into the true skit. They bring up Joe and his car. He gets pissed when someone bumps him, but he hits another car and pulls out as a car is passing. Great driver. Then it shows his stop at a curve thanks to a red light, speeding, and reckless driving. So the person on the corner does the incredibly stupid decision of going through Joe’s car (he moves through the back seat then out) to get to the other side instead of just walking around his car. Then Joe is speeding like a mad man and swerving and guess what he dies. Joe is brought to god with his guardian angel. The GA declares him as the worst driving in New Jersey and says without him Joe would have died years ago. Now here’s the weirdest thing. This entire short is talking about how his poor driving may not accept him into heaven. So the rest of the skit is talking about how awful a driver he was. He is super safe around schools. Decent guy I guess. Then we go over this for a while until the GA is relieved of his duties of guarding Joe’s driving soul. The judge tells us to consider all that we have been shown before we pass judgment. Hang him. The end of the short is pretty funny cause everyone, but Crow leaves and Crow is actually invested in the short.

Now onto the movie! Distributed by Libbert Films. Same people who distributed Jungle Goddess, and made Rocketship X-M, and Lost Continent. Also a Burt I. Gordon movie. He makes big monsters and his name spells B.I.G. Starts with an opening narration about space travel. Then we get to see funny stock footage of planes falling apart. It is nuclear powered and it could explode into a nuclear bomb. This won’t end well. We meet out crew. 2 ladies and 2 dudes. All of them know each other. They chose the cutest people to shoot into space. They get shot into space and thankfully we don’t see 20 minutes of rock climbing and we don’t spend all movie in a rocketship. We land down and see two of them dressed in their hilariously bad costumes. The helmets obviously have giant holes in them and they have no oxygen tanks on them.
King Dinosaur 2
Upon landing they find stock footage. Lots and lots of stock footage. They come to the conclusion that it is extremely similar to Earth. Animals and people can exist on the atmosphere. Wow all the trees, plants, and living animals didn’t tip me off. The stock footage of animals become very, very apparent. They wander for a bit and see an island. Black haired lady wants to go, but they say no. They start trekking through the forest and find lots and lots of stock footage. The footage of the sloth slowly climbing a branch is a great symbol for this film. A snake slithers up next to the blonde girl and she just explodes into screams and tears. They make a shelter and the men opt to take all the shifts. Cause they’re dames and all. Sometimes I chose to forget just how misogynistic the 50s were. Just a few more shooting bullets at everything you see and we’ll be on Jungle Goddess territory. The blonde girl and the blonde dude roam the forest for a bit, until a gator attacks the man. It’s pretty funny just how terrible the effect it is. He just rolls around with it and then they tear some of his clothes between edits. How did he get those back wounds when he’s been beneath the gator the whole time? Then he sleeps for a few days as he rests. When he wakes up he sees a giant bug. Not sure which one though. Bee, hornet, wasp, ant.
King Dinosaurs 3
I don’t know. Well they’ve got breakfast. Then we see the lemur. This thing moves along the plot for stupid reasons. Sadly they don’t eat the lemur. The black haired girl still pesters them to go to the island. They finally cave and the black haired couple goes next day with the lemur in hand. The blonde couple stays by the ship. They wander for a bit until they find the King Dinosaur. Which is stock footage of an iguana. They claim it’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but no. That’s a giant iguana.
King Dinosaur 4
They flee into a cave, but the idiots run back for the lemur and the man gets wounded! Also all the times he knocks the girls down he really is shoving them. These aren’t pratfalls! Also the ‘dinosaur’ now knows where they are. The dude’s priority is taking a picture. Well nothing else they can do. A giant gator distracts the iguana. Instead of leaving the two dumbasses decide to watch. This footage is A: Very stupid, and B: Reused from One Million BC. They wisely decide to send a flare to the blonde couple. The come over to them with the nuclear bomb and we watch more lizard fighting. This time with the iguana fighting a komodo dragon. Unlike before they do actually try to run when the lizards are distraced. Like before the iguana wins and it starts chasing the group. They set off the nuclear bomb to explode within the hour. They escape after shooting at more stock footage. The bomb goes off when they get back to the ship and they declare that civilization was brought to the planet. Then they leave. The end!
The opening skit is Joel and the bots doing beat poetry. Eh. Invention exchange is the Pocket Scientist for the Mads and the Incredible Stinky Sweatsocks. Pretty funny. Next skit is an absolute gem. Crow is considering everything and wondering how he’s qualified and how much he can change the world. He learns to stand for himself, think for himself, change the world, and celebrate life. At the end of it all he makes suggestions like drop of vanilla behind both ears to smell like a cookie all day and to meet everyone on your block. Wipes away tears. He truly is an inspiration to us all. Next skit is dumb. Joel is playing with a toy Lemur named Joey. Described as the Gilbert Gottfried of the animal kingdom. The bots sing about how great he is, but it’s not convincing, interesting, or all that funny. Sure is weird though. Next skit sucks. It’s called the emotional scientist and Joel calls it out for being very stupid. The bots try to do it, but they break down when they realize that it’s stupid. Stupid is as stupid does. The last skit is them talking about Libbert Films and how much they had to watch. Joel talks about how the thermin had a key role in the films and Joel gets pretty into it. This episode is mediocre. The short is funny, a few of the skits are funny and a bunch of the jokes are funny. On the flip side of the coin a lot of jokes aren’t funny and half the skits aren’t funny. It was Burt I. Gordon’s first movie so I can give it a bit of leeway, but the lines are flat, the actors suck, the black haired actor is a jerk (I honestly got the feeling he was just beating the hell of out the women off camera), the cinematography is eh, the editing is awful, and there are several cuts that’s are a black screen for a few seconds then cuts to the other scene. Oh how could I forget the awful dinosaur effects? If nothing else this is a decently funny episode with a laughable movie. I’d give it a viewing. Preferably as the start of a MST3K marathon. Build up a slow start then lead it in with some damn funny episodes.
Episode Rating – 5/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Why is he blow drying the grass?”
Stinger – A crewmember faceplants after the fight with the gator.
Episode –
Trailer –

209 – The Hellcats

The LAST biker episode. Thank god. Starts with a funeral. Fantastic sign. Some girl puts her bra on the casket. I’d rather have my body set off in a boat with all my possessions on it and someone shoots a flaming arrow at it. That’s how all the best Vikings went. The bikers don’t mourn much because one of them announces that he is the new leader. Also Ross Hagen (“Hero” of Side Hackers) is in this movie and on MST3K for the second time. Also the second of these movies with characters named Linda (Fem biker from Wild Rebels) and Rita (Ross’ girlfriend from Side Hackers). Written by the same guy as Side Hackers and the producer Anthony Cardoza worked with Coleman Francis. This name means nothing yet, but give it four seasons. This doesn’t bode well in the slightest. Cut to people biking.
hellcats 2
One passes on drugs to the other then he drives off. The gang makes drug runs from Mexico for their kicks. The guy who got the drugs met up with some lady and she drove off. This lady is the lady who gave up her bra. She meets up with some guy and they talk about a detective and how they need to loosen up. They drive off. Cut to two people driving in front of those guys. They stop for a bit and wander, possibly to make romantic nothings. She complains to him and he goes back to the car. Some guy from the other car shoots the man and his woman finds him dead in the car with absolutely no blood around. Then we meet Ross who shall be called Hagan. Hagan meets up with some police or whatever and the woman at an airport. Okay so time for explaining. Hagan is a sergeant, the man who was just shot was a detective, the woman he was with was his fiancé, and the detective is Hagan’s brother! This was just dumped on us in about ten seconds. Slam cut to them chatting for a bit then Hagan leaves. We see Hagan and the girl (maybe it’s them) driving off on a motorcycle. Joel comes to the realization that these movies teach us that, ‘We live, we die, and there’s lots of padding in between’. They stop at an inn and we see some drunken guy annoying a girl and he gets beer on some biker that might be Hagan. I honestly don’t know. Quote Crow – “What the heck are they saying? It’s like he’s speaking in an ancient tongue!” He shoves someone over and someone announces, “He hit Danny!” At least he didn’t hit Big Jake. They get some more beers and the owner calls the detectives. I think. People sit around making out and drinking beers. Then we have a terrible song play. This movie sucks a lot.
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Then they throw a guy. I seriously don’t know what’s going on or what they’re saying. I think one of the investigators shows up and he talk about a guy named Scorpio with some girl. They shouldn’t worry Inspector Callahan is already on the case. I’m making better riffs than the crew! The guy leaves, more inaudible talking, and then celebrating. Then an ass! This reeks of Coleman Francis! Some guy is painting her then the bikers show up and harass them. Then they cut away before they rape her. Cut away to the bikers. It’s not my broken headphones! I honestly can’t here this movie! Also another song. There’s still another hour. They stand around and talk about nothing some more then some of them leave. Then a knife fight. This movie just shows people standing around and occasionally do stuff. One of them wins then they Quarter a guy by tying his arms and legs to two dudes on dune buggies. WHY?! The guy on his legs droves off and presumably kills him. The music is the most concerned thing here. Hagan goes to do it next. I know he lives. Not only because he’s the main character, but because there’s another forty minutes. He lives and I guess he’s a member of the Hellcats. Would you believe this movie was originally about lesbian bikers?
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Then Hagan and some girl go to have sex. Some guy hits on the fiancé and she runs off and starts hitting him. I don’t know. Hagan and the fiancé get into an argument and she storms off. I can’t wait for the end when they’re all gunned down in cold blood. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but we’re an hour in and NOTHING has happened. How come these losers and stupid bikers get these decent looking women that they ignore and beat all the time? I don’t know. Some girl and the fiancé show up to a cabin at night with two dudes and a very, very submissive girl begging to be…loved. Then the two girls just leave. That scene sure had lots of purpose. Then a motorcycle and police chase that shows the orange haired girl die, but in the next shot I think she’s fine. I think it’s her. They surround one of the guys and tell him one of the girls died. I guess they had clones. This, my friends is why movies need plot and characters. Also bike riding. More of it. The fiancé and some girl break into a place and are captured…I think. Hagan goes to save them and we cut away to another guy who got arrested. Then them being mopey at the bar. Dull. Hagan gets caught and beaten up. Okay whatever ends the movie. I think the balding guy is Scorpio. My wife’s brother. I hit her so he hit me. Several times. People stand around and chat for several minutes, but nothing happens for a while until the fiancés really easily convinces Scoprio to untie her. One of the girls somehow cuts Hagan’s bonds so they escape. Hagan tries to free the fiancé, but Scoprio points a gun at them. The other girl runs off (they show her run all the way) to a phone and call over the bikers. Cut away to some girl getting dressed and one of the investigators strangles her. Scoprio leaves to a boat, but the bikers catch up and they attack people. Sadly they all win and the movie ends. Yay. The cops should have shown up with a large gun and just killed them all.
The episode starts with Joel and the bots being sick and clad in their fancy red bathrobes. First skit starts with vapor coming from Tom’s head to make them all feel lightly better. A symptom though is flashbacks. Interesting. Then we see Dr. F and Frank in the Hobby Cycle and we finally see Joel’s experiment from last week. It’s a sign language translator. It works by talking into a tube and the fake hand signs it. Neat. Next skit Is Tom writing in his diary and he flashbacks to of the Shatner hand strangling. I support solely because of the amazing skit they reference. Tom even recollects that this was before his voice changed. Crows turn. He talks about how much of jerk Tom is. Also the flashback is the stupid zero gravity segment from Rocketship X-M. Bleh. Next skit is Joel’s turn. His flashback is the scope sketch from Jungle Goddess. Pretty funny again. Last skit is Joel and the bots trying to show Gypsy how to write a dairy. Most of the episode was repeated riffs and lines from Side Hackers. An episode I didn’t even like. Also they all wear their robes in the theater. This is a downright awful episode. The jokes aren’t funny, the movie is downright awful, and the plot is incomprehensible. The reason they reused the Hobby Cycles and skits was because most of the production staff was away. I guess that’s why they chose this movie. It’s so dull, incomprehensible, and awful they wouldn’t need to write many jokes. Just repeat lines. When it comes to technically made movies this is the worst, but I Side Hackers was more depressing. I’m not sure which one I hated more. I really, really, really don’t recommend it!
Episode Rating – 1/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “They look as confused by the film as we are.”
Stinger – The trumpeter gets out of the lake.
Possible Stinger – Someone announces, “He hit Danny!”

208 – Lost Continent

Lost Continent
I’m not excited for this one. Quote Dr. Forrester, “In regards to Today’s movie, I’m just going to say…rock climbing.” You’ll understand in a bit, but just you wait! The credits end and we see STOCK FOOTAGE OF ROCKETSHIP X-M! Seriously they show the first shot of the guard patrolling the area! We see people shoot a ship into space, but it goes off course and crashes on an island. Cut to a guy with a moustache hanging out with a woman. He’s either going to be the hero or white devil. He strikes out and I see he’s wearing a military. A flight instructor to be exact. They dance for a bit and then they start making out. I remove my previous statement. He’s about to score! Then Captain Cockblock interrupts them. He is told to leave immediately and go to the base. We meet an engineer who is also brought to the base. We see a pilot about to leave, but he is also brought to the base. The dudes chat while drinking coffee. Also we see a dude in glasses. The engineer is being very annoying. The people look out windows, the plane starts hitting some turbulence, and loses altitude. The plane crashes and none of them die. Looks like stock footage from Jungle Goddess. They find a village and now its really reminding me of Jungle Goddess. The girl speaks English to them and talks about a ‘firebird that shoots flame and smoke’. They immediately realize it’s the rocket. It landed on the sacred mountain. They say they’ll break the spell to stop the firebird to make the people return. Oh no. We’re so close…*Sigh* Time for…rock climbing. Starting time 35:00. So they start climbing. They climb. Oh and the annoying engineer’s pants fell down. This was does not look like it’s in the script. The guys in the background are visibly laughing at this and failing to hold it in. Rock climbing. One of the guys breathes in some gas, but they’re fine. They rest for a bit, but they aren’t doing anything. Aside from foreshadowing of a character death. Then a giant lizard! It’s just there for a frame. Back to rock climbing! Also the music cut out. So we are listening to ambience. Even laid back Joel is frustrated by this. I bet the director kept telling them to slower and slower every scene. Then glasses guy falls and dies.
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Still not interested. Back to rock climbing! Ends at 57:34. TWENTY-TWO MINUTES AND THIRTY-FOUR SECONDS OF ROCK CLIMBING! I should be glad, but at this point have just gone numb from boredom. Back into the jungle. Time to wander. They chat for a bit and still it seems like nothing has changed. They find that the island is covered in uranium. To add some tension or action we see a dinosaur track. Then we find a Brontosaurus. I love in these close ups it gives the guys stubble to look like they’ve been through a lot. Yeah the did rock climb for about twenty minutes. They portray it like a violent carnivore, that’ll attack without being provoked when in actuality they’re HERBIVORES! Jesus Christ it’s like they haven’t seen any other movie or, as we’ll later be quoting. They just didn’t care. One of the guys climbs up a tree to avoid the BRONTOSAURUS and no surprise he almost gets eaten cause of it.
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Almost because they unload bullets into it. They chat for a bit by the fire and like usual it just seems like padding than anything. Two of the guys left so they go out looking for them and they find them. One wedge between some rocks so they start giving them crab before a Triceratops shows up. Another Herbivore portrayed as a Carnivore. Also the only thing that can kill a triceratops is a bigger triceratops. Quote Qui-Gon Jinn, “There’s always a bigger fish!” They chat for a bit and now we learn one of them is Russian. More wandering. Now a Pterodactyl. They kill and want to eat it, but they find the space ship! Finally! Then the find the Triceratops and Brontosaurus. Then the characters died. Hopefully. Please? Annoying engineer and some other guy get all the dinosaurs away by shooting repeatedly and they get to the rocket. They find the black box or whatever they were looking for. Then the annoying engineer is killed the triceratops, which just leaves after a bit. They run over to mourn his dea- Nope jump cut and they’re BACK ON THE MOUNTAIN! NOOOO! Thankfully instead of showing us all of the climb down they just dissolve to random points. WHY COULDN’T THE CLIMB UP BE LIKE THIS? Then the mountain starts exploding. I kid you not! Instead of dying they reach the bottom and get away on a boat. Also the camera shakes like the cameraman had parkinson’s disorder. Then they die at sea! The end!
They joked in the beginning that Sam Newfield (director) and Sigmund Neufeld (producer) were brothers. They actually are. Sam changed his name when he became a director. Opening skit is Joel giving the bots a pep talk, which is pretty nice to see. For the invention exchange a moveable treadmill and Frank has a schematic for stairs and the rowboat. Joel doesn’t have time for his invention this week and I just noticed that Dr. F might have a ponytail in this episode. I approve! Also…Rock climbing! Next skit is Joel and the bots telling a joke and a ship is coming into OH MY GOD! THIS JOKE IS NOT FUNNY! They meet Hugh Beaumont an actor from the movie as who claims to be a member of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. I HATE THIS JOKE! Middle skit is The Explorers is a mini play about a condescending explorer to some smart natives who refuse to support the White Male Reality. Eh. Stupid sketch. Next skit. Joel is playing with a model of the rock climbing. Also they see a cool thing. We don’t see what it is, but it’s apparently awesome. Joel and the bots then tell the viewers to send in what they think the cool thing is. Dumb. Last skit they talk about the movie and talk about how terrible this is. This episode sucks. Well the movie is slow, dull, and boring as all hell! The acting and story are incomprehensible and I barely knew any of the characts. The episode has a lot of funny lines, but they aren’t worth it for the bad skits and boring as hell movie. Just watch the best hits of the episode.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “Well fellas we’ve come across a sacred burial ground. Lets defile it!”
Stinger – Two of the guys sitting by the fire and one declaring he’ll go to bed.
Episode –
Trailer –

207 – Wild Rebels

Yet another biker movie. It’s most likely going to be better than Side Hackers. Starts out with a burning motorcycle and some guy named Rod complaining about it burning. More people come on and try to cheer him up, but they fail. He rallies some people and he tries to sell his trailer. He sells it for $450 dollars and I really feel like the movie was looping footage at times. He goes to a club called “Swinger’s Paradise” then we see Rod enter and some bikers enter before him. Then we see some people dancing and Rod looking really, really bored. We cut back to our bikers and a girlfriend. This won’t end well… Some girl hits on Rod so they go to dance. Still a better partying movie that Catalina Caper. It has a lot less energy than CC though. Also we see Rod dances like a an amputee having a seizure. The girl whispers to one of the musicians. Then the bikers recognize Rod as a stock car driver so they bother him. Also I just realized that one of them has a swastika on his jacket. We learn the bikers are named Jeeter (the leader), Banjo (the other guy), and Fats (the swastika jacket guy). The girl is named Linda and she starts dancing with some guy. Rod is offered to stay at their home. Linda and Rod leave to the place. Also we learn the gang is called Satan’s Angels. The bikers then beat the dude’s who danced with Linda and no one stops them. In the house is a giant swastika flag. Wha? Why? Okay so not only are they murders and robbers they’re also Nazis. Like we needed more reason to dislike them. They show up at the shack and drink. They gloat about beating the college kid to a pulp and Rod wants to know what’s up. Jeeter informs Rod that he wants Rod to chauffer them around as they commit crimes and act as a getaway driver. Will he never bring up the fact they’re Nazis?! He promptly declines and leaves. Jeeter though is accepting of this and tells him to think on it. Banjo though is crazy and threatens to gut him. Everyone flips out at Jeeter, but he says Rod will definitely come back when he gets hungry. As he leaves the police surround Rod. The cop, Lieutenant Dorn talks with Rod for a bit and they conclude that Satan’s Angels only rob or kill people for kicks. Dorn recruits Rod to infiltrate the gang and work as an informant. Cut to unflattering close ups of the bikers sleeping, but we get to see Fats read the newspaper and drive his motorcycle. In the paper it says that Rod is racing. Cut to some racing footage and we get to see a wheel roll around in the background. Rod goes undercover and loses the race so it looks like he needs the money. He joins their group and they leave town. They make a pit stop to rob a gun shop for weapons in their next robbery. So they stop at a place with medieval weapons, flintlock riffles, and nothing of modern generation until much further into the store. She fools the stupid owner by asking for the bullets before she actually buys the gun and I guess she kills him. There’s no gun sound so I think she just jabbed him. The rest of the bikers come in and start playing with the guns like little kids. So this is how it’s 50 minutes longer. Padding! Back at the hideout Rod is minding his own business playing the guitar then Banjo flips out at him. They go to discuss the plan, but Jeeter tells Rod to wait outside. He does and Banjo flips out some more. Linda goes out to distract Rod and the time of day shifts between shots. Then Rod sings a bit. Boring. Linda and Rod chat for a while and he learns she does the terrible things because she wants to get her kicks off. Then they make out. Padding! Banjo shoes up and flips out again. Why? She makes out with everyone else in the gang so why does he specifically have a problem with Rod? Banjo promptly has his ass kicked by Rod and he goes to sleep in the afternoon. They go to bed and sneak out of their hideout as the police watch. They go to a bank to rob it. Banjo is suspicious of Rod because of two people driving near them. To avoid the cops they drive alongside the railroad and they proceed to rob the bank. This might sound dull, but that’s cause it is. The cops show up and they hold Rod at gunpoint when the cops start chasing them. A chase scene ensues and they hide out at lighthouse. Fats and Banjo are killed and for some reason Linda has a change of heart and kills Jeeter. Linda is arrested and the film ends with Rod and Dorn walk off into the sunset.
The opening skit is Joel having Gypsy shut down the higher functions so she can say what’s wrong. One of the higher functions is oxygen. After talking during the commercial and when she turns the air back on he’s still a little loopy. The Mad’s invention exchange is a motorcycle version of the Hobby Horses. Joel’s is a 3D pizza based on 3D chess. The Mad’s was pretty funny. Next skit is talking about how intelligent Jeeter was so they joke about how smart people were tough bikers. Pretty funny. My favorite is Oscar’s Wild Ones. Next skit is Wild Rebels Cereal. Kind of funny. Fourth skit is Crow and Tom talk about how great Gypsy and Joel sings a song similar to the one in the movie to Gypsy. The skits are VERY Gypsy centered for some reason. Then Crow and Tom beat up Joel. The last skit was Joel cheering up the bots and they party. This is a very, very boring episode. It should only be like an hour long, but it feels padded out like hell. It has the occasional funny moment, but they are few and far between. The characters are all unlikable or annoying and you just don’t care when any of them died. The movie itself isn’t AS bad as Side Hackers, but it’s still one of those episodes I would never watch again.
Episode Rating – 2/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – “Oh didn’t I tell you I was bidding in Pesos? Here’s your dollar!”
Possible Stinger – Linda saying ‘No!’ lazily and Banjo “kicking” Rod in the face.
Episode –
Trailer –

206 – The Ring of Terror: Short: Phantom Creeps Part 3.

First up is the movie. It starts out in a cemetery and the keeper looking for his cat Puma (That’s the actual name of the cat. He doesn’t have a Puma). Also he pronounces it “Pyooma”. The keeper accidently steps on Puma’s tail. It runs off and while searching for him the keeper shows us a 22 year Old’s gravestone. Cut to flashback and the male lead/future corpse Lewis is a college student played by a goddamn 42 year old. He’s like twenty years older than he’s told to be! Also his girlfriend looks like he’s in her early forties. She calls him and they engage in small talk. Seriously everyone in this movie looks ten to twenty years older than they should. You can cut the sexual tension between them with a spork. Then Satan interrupts their date by slithering beside her foot. The snake is easily pushed away AND OUR HERO CRUSHES IT TO DEATH! Oh if you aren’t between thirty and forty you look like you’re in your early teens. Also there’s a fat couple. You know what. They’re happy. This movie reeks with swell. Hell the fat couple despite being comic relief really is the happiest ignore in the movie. Hell as we’ll see he is fully proud of their fatness and won’t change for anyone. The forty-year-old leads talk about the autopsy they have to do for class and the teacher looks younger than our main character. They go to the morgue and abandoned their dates in favor of the corpses.
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Odd lot of people, but they’re all medical majors. The autopsy scene is boring as hell. They can’t show anything so it’s just the professor describing all of this and all the students having varied reactions from the students. Then as the body is taken off you can see the hand twitch a few times. Great job guys. Our “fearless” character is however shown to be fearful. Of something. Lewis is adamant about him not being afraid of anything or not getting it. Next scene is a superfluous moment of the girls being mad at the guys for having to take a class that was sprung on them. Eh this is just Catalina Caper syndrome. The women being angry for dumb reasons. Lewis chats with some guy and some guy was killed! I don’t know. They’re going to visit the body and it’s gonna be late at night so he decides to go with them. The light goes out and Lewis gets scared.
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He finally understands why he was so scared of the dark. He tells a story of when eight year old Lewis’ grandfather died and they kept the casket in the house. Young Lewis was scared and wanted the lights on that night and when his mom said no he started crying. She then told him if he didn’t stop his grandfather would turn into a zombie and beat him. Great parenting. Knowing that the actor is forty-two playing a twenty-two year old if they showed that flashback he would probably played by a twenty-eight year old. Then they talk about initiations. They sound boring as hell. Lewis’ isn’t told, yet, but they’re all dumb as hell. Lewis’ girlfriend is making a big deal over him being fearless. She’s so dumb. Oh my god like Catalina Caper most of this movie could be cut down. It’ll be shorter than the already short hour, six minute run time. Also a teacher running the on campus beauty contest. That’s not creepy in the slightest. One of the initiations was having a guy go a day without water…are you sure you want to kill him? One of the is the glasses guy having to run around in his underwear pretending to be cupid as he spies on couples making out. Wouldn’t it be funny if he saw the closeted gay couple? Also this movie has such terrible lighting. The movie spends all it’s damn time making fun of the fat couple. They aren’t that bad. The fat guy’s is making him fast for a week, only eating bread and water at specific intervals. The real test was to see him decline. See! This guy is happy the way he is and so is his girlfriend! Our elderly youngster’s initiation is to go to the corpses mausoleum and take his ring.
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Oh right the title. He goes to the funeral and when he gets to the coffin Puma startles him and he…dies. He must be forty-two because he just had a heart attack!

This is the only time they play a short after the movie. I can see why. It really kills the flow of the episode. It starts by showing the end of part 2 and we see he just fell out of the car. Which makes sense because he didn’t close the door and they showed the side of the car he fell out of. So Bela steals a car and drives off. Captain and reporter meet up with some other military guys and they go off to do stuff. Also they just left the assistant on the ground. Bela runs on invisible to save his assistant. I’ll give him this he does care about his partner. He’s always saving him. Then Bela kills some other guy. Then they run off in the distance again. Cut back to the robot, Bela, and his assistant. Also they learn what draws the spiders and for some reason if you destroy the disk the people wake up from suspended animation. Also our leader talks about talking over the world. Swell guys. Bela’s shadow appears, which is dumb because he’s INVISIBLE!!! The doctor drops some chemicals and I think he goes into suspended animation. Wait….they just said, “Why do we always come here around the time the sun sets?” Are they pointing out the continuity flaws of the short? IN the short. The assistant sneaks off through the front entrance so they’re bound to find the secret area now. He is caught when he should have just waited in there and then they drive off. The box with the chemicals makes the power lines snap and the car lose power so some exploding power lines crush them. Considering that we don’t see part 4 I assume they died.

The pre-episode skit is The Bots ticking Joel into thinking its movie time. Huh. Invention exchange is the Human-Operation for the Mads and Joel’s is Pin-Bolus (organ pinball). Both are funny. The next skit is Joel and the Bots advertising the Old School. It’s a joke regarding the fact that everyone looks like they’re I their damn forties. Funny. Next skit is Joel dissecting a vacuum cleaner and like the guys in the movies. This frightens Crow, Tom, and Gypsy. This is a funny skit. It even has the funny transitions and repetitive score that the movie has. The next skit is doing a gag where Joel would give them ram chips if they named something good. After naming several good things about the movie (namely the fat characters being likable and happy) Joel doesn’t give them anything because they didn’t mention how short it was. Then Dr. F tells them to get back in the theater to watch the short. Final skit is Frank singing the song “If Chauffer’s Ruled the World”. Not my favorite song around. This movie sucks. It has bad music, bad lighting, bad acting, obviously old actors, obviously young extras, being really short, and just dull to sit through. This is the last time we watch Phantom Creeps. Shame. I thought it was entertaining. But then again, that’s probably why they stopped showing them. The episode was pretty funny with very frequent riffs and most of the skits were funny. Even the physical humor in “If Chauffer’s Ruled the World” was pretty funny. I recommend it. It’s a really funny episode.
Episode Rating – 9/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – ‘I heard you gave him a test that goes back to the 15th Century!’ “Discover America? The Spanish Inquisition? Break off from the Catholic Church?”
Stinger – One of the students saying, “Weird. Yeah, I guess that is the word for it. Weird.”
Episode –
Trailer (there is no trailer so have the movie!) –

205 – Rocket Attack USA: Short: Phantom Creeps Part 2

Start on the short. Okay if we know how Commando Cody was every time we’ll see some withheld footage and they’ll be safe. Guess what? The plan actually crashed and they never left! WOW! That is a stunning leap from Commando Cody. Lugosi and his assistant get the random girl out of the tree and we are shown that Lugosi’s wife died and the Captain is alive. Also the random woman is a reporter and they arrest her so they don’t have to deal with her. Okay that’s kind of funny. The Captain chats with a doctor and the reporter shows up. Then what the hell? Oh just one of the fasted montages ever! About twenty different shots every five seconds. So a doctor tries to wake up the pilot in suspended animation, but they have no success so they try to search through the house. Bela and his assistant also sneak through and knock the Captain out for a minute. They raid their own lab, but the assistant leaves one of the disks on the floor and he is almost frozen. The reporter picks up one of the disks and Bela finds out where she is. He sends his robot at her, but once more people show up they decide to flee through the secret exit. The reporter screams in terror at a spider s the Captain shoots it! The assistant runs away to buy Bela some time and he starts shooting the reporter, Captain, and some other guy. Also turns out everyone sucks with bullets so they all miss. The assistant is killed….wait stunned? He took six bullets! Bela drives while invisible and sets up an ambush. He leaves a rock at the tire so it won’t move and a disk on the seat so when they look in there the spider with explode and the car will move off the cliff! Good plan. Not sarcastic. Actually pretty good. Captain falls for it, but Bela whacks him with a stick and nocked him out. The car rolls and explodes! End of part two, can’t wait for three.

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Onto the movie! The US finds a Russian Probe in space and they suspect it’s either a weapon of propaganda or information. Cut to West Berlin and we meet our spy hero fighting for Democracy and Freedom! He is going to be sent to Moscow to find some info and meet up with a female pilot. Cut to Mowcow and he waits for his spy buddy. Man the lady in the background is looks so bored! So someone visits the spy and she leaves. After two minutes of dancing the female comes back and someone else replaces her. I guess this woman is the spy and I assume I am correct because she meets with the spy. He gives her his documents and she burns them. They talk for a bit and they discuss their plan and he finds out the Russians have all the info they need to make their missile. He plans to stay at her house and she warns him about the sex sounds later on. She learns that Russia wants to launch a missile against the USA as soon as possible to attack the USA. They…they speak in Russian…The narrator tries to explain, but it really is much tougher to understand than just have everyone speak in English. Cut to America and they talk about…how they wasted their money on CHEESE. Christ Americans are stupid. Oh and spy girl’s lover is…Russian Tor Johnson? Huh. Russian Tor is going to the missile test and wants to bring the spy with him. And now the Russians are just speaking in Russian and no narrator…Thanks for leaving us in the dark. The female spy sends for the male spy and they go to the missile sight. Cut to narrator narrating the Russians and the male spy in a random ruined building waiting for the other guy and the girl. He leaves them saying that it would be easier to move around with just two. Also OH GOD they’re wooden! The Russians are going to shoot the missile at New York City. The scene dissolves and it’s nighttime. Ed Wood eat your hear out! The spy who led them is taken away and brought to the Russian in charge of the area. The Russians go out into the woods and look for the others. They wander for a bit until they find to missile and place the dynamite. Sadly the girl is shot down. In her dying breath she kills a Russian who was chasing them. He sneaks past the one guard and sets up the dynamite. Sadly it has like a ten-minute fuse. They obviously get rid of the bomb and the male spy is also killed. The rest of the movie takes place in NYC and follows people being affected by the bomb safety zones. They think it’s just a dumb drill. Very, very boring. Then the rocket gets launched and no one flees to safety zones. Ameirca sends a missile against Russia as a counter attack. Only thing to make note of is this blind guy who just says, “Help me.”
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New York City has been hit by the bomb and they all died. Downer.
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Invention exchange is Candy Adding Machine for Joel and Water-Polo-Foosball for the Mads. Neither is all that funny. Okay Frank and Dr. F getting super competitive is funny. Next skit is them talking about the Cold War. Pretty educational skit. Uh……Nevermind…..What’s Gumby doing there? Eh screw it. This skit sucks. Watch it. It’s SO weird! Cartoon characters, Claymation characters, and puppets go through a…kind of Cold War Theater in USA. Next skit is the Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. A quiz show (obviously) is about Cold War and they’re all clad in aluminum foil and Tom wears a gas mask. This is a pretty funny. When Tom asks who won, Joel says all of us because we like in a democracy. Next skit is a ship pulling up next to the SOL. FOR GODS SAKE! LET THIS JOKE DIE!!! It’s just a Russian version of MST3K. Ugh. This movie sucked. The movie was completely depressing and the people barely know each other. The characters are near nonexistent and everyone dies. The editing and framing suck so much where a lot of sets look the same and I can’t tell if they left an area or not! Downer ending! The episode is just dull. Somewhat funny, but I wouldn’t watch it again. Okay this episode did us some good. That good is that this is the first episode with Stingers! Stingers are just humorous end clips for the episodes, which are usually just funny or odd moments of the movies.
Episode Rating – 2/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – Tie between ‘Did anyone see you?’ “Well just the guy in the club, the belly dancer, the fire eater, the cab driver, everyone on the street, and the guy filming this.” & “Man if this spotlight keeps up with me I’ll have to do a number.”
Stinger – Blind man emotionlessly calls out, “Help me.”
Episode –
Trailer –

204 – Catalina Caper

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The film starts with the Warner Brother’s logo and once again opens with an animated opening. Similar to Moon Zero Two. The credits are a scuba fiver hitting on a mermaid and being harassed by a hungry piranha.

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It ends and leads into a party on the beach! With lots of fire! Also dancing bikini women. I can get behind this movie. Then a Danny Devito look alike sneaks into a house and tries to rob it. A cop goes by and misses him despite being in plain sight and making lots of noise. The cop blows a whistle and it cuts to a ship whistle. Amusing edit. Two people go on a boat called S.S. Catalina and they apparently know one of the ship workers. Also the thief goes on the boat and apparently he stole a scroll worth half a million dollars. Then the comedic relief shows up and trips on nothing. The two guys engage in conversation and it’s very difficult to hear what they’re saying. The lack of a mic and the sound of the ocean is going over them.

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Our heroes

One of the guys meets a girl and they talk about the ocean. Tom Servo is immediately smitten by her. Then his friend takes her away with women. Then they put on some music and start singing Little Richard. Holy crap that actually IS Little Richard. Well that scene was a thing that happened. They get off the boat and ocean girl has a boyfriend, which makes our male lead unhappy (Named Don)! Thief talks to a guy and his family who visited Catalina to pass off the scroll, but they want to give a fake so they can sell the real one for more. Also comedy guy is spying on them. I guess he’s a cop. Then he falls again. How funny. Then Don’s friend (Named Charlie) shows Don around Catalina with his sister Tina. From how the glass is positioned and lit it kind of looked like it was censoring her chest. They meet the man (Arthur), his wife (Anne), and a very old son (Tad). Then Charlie’s gal pals show up and Tad is suspicious of his dad’s behavior. Funny guy washes up on shore and I fully expect a “funny” moment. Aaaaaaand nothing. Don, Charlie, and Tina go scuba diving. Then it cuts to two guys talking about the scroll land how they know Arthur will betray them. Don and Tina talk about scuba diving and make sex jokes. You can cut the sexual chemistry between them with a spork. The thief and Arthur talk for a bit about the business of crime and the trade off. Oh great, “funny” guy. Guess what? No humor! Then a scuba diver swims onto Arthur’s ship and demands the scroll. They get the scroll for him, but in a struggle they drop it in the water. They get out of the water then Don hops into the water and Charlie jumps in after him. The man sent to get the scroll, for no reason, attacks Don. He disconnects his air supply and Charlie saves him. They get back to the boat and….that scene was pointless. They get back to Arthur’s ship and one of the sea cops talks to them. Arthur lies his ass off and how the hell do people not see that he’s lying. Charlie, Tina, Don, and the gal pals arrive at a yacht party. They party and show close ups of women dancing. Then they play some beach volleyball. This movie whishes it could be as awesome and gay as Top Gun. Don then hangs out with Tad. Then Creepy Girl shows up, much to Tom and the rest of the men’s delight. Tina however is unhappy. I don’t blame her…wait. Almost twenty men run after her at the mere sight…she might be a succubus. Wait no she droned on and on about water. She’s a siren.

catalina caper 4

Tina takes Tad with her to try and make Don jealous. Cut to more beach volleyball. Creepy girl and Don meet up in the water and I think her top fell off. Yes it did. They make small talk. They go looking for creepy girls boyfriend and it cuts to the evil diver getting two other divers to help him look for the scroll later. They ask what they’re looking for, but he says it’s none of their business. Then how will they know if they’ve found it? Also “funny” guy is spying on them. Creepy girl’s boyfriend Angelo is one of the evil divers and flips out when she went out to look for him. Ass. They get into an argument and fade to black. Then…Charlie is inspecting all his girls and they go in a kissing line. How does he do it? Must be the bleach blonde. Tina shows up and is giving Don the silent treatment and becomes super bitter when Creepy girl shows up. She flips out and leaves. Through Tad they find out that Angelo is working for evil diver. Then Tina fakes drowning in four-feet water and “Funny” guy slips on sand. Hilarious. The “funny” guy saves her and it’s funny because he’s the “funny” guy. Then she slaps Tad and Don for not getting there soon enough. I could say a lot of words….but I won’t. Then all the girls just start slapping all the dudes. One girl claims “They all would have gone in if SHE (Creepy girl) was drowning!” Um….Tad and Don went in, but “funny guy” just got there first. I could use a lot of words, but I am a gentleman. Then the guys walk off. This scene is completely superfluous. Also “funny” guy just swung his fishing line out and pulled a girl’s top off. Ha. Ha. Ha. I really hope you all realize I’m being sarcastic. Then the band plays more music to mend the hearts and party. Superfluous scene. Then “funny” guy gets more shtick. Arthur and the thief show up on the beach and they talk to the gang. He convinces them to come aboard his yacht for a scuba diving party, when in actuality he is having them search for the lost scroll. And “funny guy” trips over his umbrella. Ugh…I’m done being sarcastic. They all go down to search for the scroll and the evil divers show up. Cut to “funny” guy on a boat and WHAT!? Two guys playing trumpets and one guy playing guitar UNDERWATER! I’m as confused as him! Back to the plot apparently! So the evil divers get on Arthur’s boat and draw guns on everybody.

Catalina Capter 5

They surrender!

Someone comes up with the scroll and the evil divers take it and ru- I mean swim off. They try to worm the info out off Arthur, but they don’t say anything. At the same time Tad and Don were right next to them. Also the scroll they found was a fake one. They organize a scheme with Charlie to get the scroll back and make Tad’s parents swear off thievery. Tina apologizes to Don to for fake drowning and slapping him. Don distracts them and the evil divers follow him as Creepy girl shows up and they take the scroll from Don. The evil diver urns off and they start a tussle with Angelo. You know what’ll kill the mood for this somewhat tense scene? “Funny” guy falling again! This movie over uses jokes as much as Family Guy. They knock Angelo out and they chase after evil diver. Boring chase ensues. Evil diver is cornered and “funny” guy skates into evil diver and they fall into water! Not even a smirk. Just a frustrated groan. Ugh…nine more minutes. “Funny” guy is a cop and arrests Arthur for stealing the scroll, but the case is empty! So funny. More partying and credits. Invention exchange is the Literal Tank Top for the Mad and Joel turns a bazooka into a tickling device. Odd, but funny, especially the Literal Tank Top. Next skit is Joel explaining the 60’s to Tom & Crow. The problem is that he was a young boy during the 60’s so it comprises of the Brat Pack & the President. Kind of funny. Next skit is Tom singing about his love for Creepy Girl. Pretty funny. Next skit is Frank trying to entertain and sell stuff to the Mole People, Frank and Sylvia. Unfunny. Last skit. Joel and the bots talk about the movie and how it made no sense so Joel busts out a flow chart. I usually don’t bring up letters, but this one is sweet and written in calligraphy. A couple fell in lover over MST3K and announced their marriage on the show. Adorable. The movie can be summed up in one word. Superfluous. Most of the scenes could be cut, “funny” guy was worthless to the plot, and all the party footage was just padding. The episode itself wasn’t all that great and was boring the whole time with the occasional funny riff. This is an episode where the sketches were really funny, but the episode fell flat. I really, really don’t recommend it.

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 2/10

Favorite Riff – “Look she lost the bone in her neck. Look at her go!”

Possible Stinger – The musicians playing underwater and “funny” guy looking confused.

Episode –

Trailer –