In the short we have Bela Lugosi play a mad scientist. And he has a beard. It looks kind of good on him. Bela does some science and some guy complains about something he has that wander around and goes crazy. That thing is a cool robot. The robot foolishly walks into a wall, but Bela has it fix the wall and go back to sleep.

Bela leaves to go with some lady. The lady is Bela’s wife. She’s doesn’t know about his robot or plan that we don’t even know about. This kind of seems like the second part. Bela has developed a way to put people in suspended animation. He plants a disk in something and a little robot spider goes to the disk and when it arrives the spider explodes and puts them in suspended animation. It’s pretty funny.

He also found a new element. Impressive. He says he’ll give the element to the government for a sum of money. His former partner says he shall give the element and Bela says screw him, but he walks away to his lab. Bela developed an invisibility belt and it looks like he was having a lot of pain. He says his assistant had failed so starts to improve it. It worked now after a dissolve cut and Bela gloats about his greatness. Bela has his robot uncover a secret passage and they transport the element and some other supplies to his secret lab. Man Bela has a ton of secret passages! He has a secret compartment in a secret cabinet, in a secret room. The wife gets a chipper, young white Captain and they tell all the stuff they now about Bela. They look through his old lab and they find that all the equipment is gone and a cigar is there. Bela and his assistant sneak through his secret exit and they drive away. They pick up a hitchhiker and they drive off. Apparently thinking he’ll be useful. The hitchhiker looked like him so they accidently crash their car off a cliff and it explodes. Bela and his assistant survive, but the look alike dies. Bela turns invisible runs to the home puts a disk in his wife’s handbag and they go to se the body. Some girl spies on them, sneaks aboard a plane, and Bela plans to put his wife to sleep with a spider. They take off in the plane and the spider explodes on the pilot because they took it out and put it on the dashboard. The controls are damaged and the girl that snuck on is now in a parachute suit and jumps out. The wife and captain are not shown to leave and the plane explodes ending the short.

The movie starts with a kind of funky soundtrack. I get a kick out of music like this for some reason. Almost tribal like music with a constant drum. Kind of like the music in The Manitou. We officially start in a club where a pilot is smoking. He hits on the singer, but he fails. Maybe? The pilot’s buddy meets him at the club and reminds him of their jobs. The first pilot tells his buddy their looking for a crashed plane in Africa for a $20,000 dollar reward. They look through some binoculars and find some stock footage. They find a crashed plane so they land in the jungle. They trek through some stock footage and fake jungle sets until they find some natives. One of the guys just flat out shoots one of the natives! He shall be henceforth known as crazy guy. So crazy guy and pilot get captured and brought to their village. And guess what? They are brought to the village with the woman they’re looking for!

The titular Jungle Goddess is quite striking

El coincidence! So crazy guy is also a bigot foe seeing no problem with killing one of the natives. One of the natives is super into this. Pilot is considered innocent and crazy guy is guilty and will be executed eight days from then. Crazy and pilot argue a bit and Pilot is taken to speak with the white goddess. So Pilot talks to the Goddess and she talks about how her father sent them to find her after he died. It was in his will. They go through a flashback where the girl is finished in college in America and takes a plane to the Netherlands to go home. Her plane flew over Africa and her plane crashes. She was the only survivor and she started wandering until the natives took her in and they worshipped her as a goddess for her white skin and medical knowledge. The Witch Doctor apparently doesn’t like her. So she wants Crazy Guy and the Pilot to escape. She doesn’t like Crazy Guy, but who would? They look outside to see some stock footage. Crazy guy and Pilot argue over stuff and the white goddess wants to eat with the Pilot to scheme with him. They eat Zebra and they call Crazy guy white devil and claims he breaths fire because of his cigarette. There’s his new nickname! They continue scheming and they decide to leave the next morning. Pilot finds a piece of rock for atom bombs and he brings it back to White Devil. White Devil tries to convince a native who’s close to White Goddess to help him. She doesn’t say anything to him, but she tells it all to White Goddess. Pilot gets pissed and leaves to talk to him. He takes the gun from White Devil, but they get into a fight and in the scuffle White Devil kills another guy. This forces White Devil, White Goddess, and Pilot to flee to the jungle and try to leave. They trip and she sprained her ankle. She gets along fine though. More stock footage ‘chases’ them and they rest for the night. White Goddess and Pilot talk about hats. Riveting.

Cut back from commercial then White Devil and Pilot are fighting. White Devil gets his gun and runs off. He starts shooting a lion and the natives close in. More wandering later and White Devil shoots a coconut. He shoots some more and trips on nothing. Wait did we just see this shot? Yes we just looped a set of scenes. White Goddess and Pilot find the plane, but White Devil attacks them, the witch doctor kills White Devil, and Pilot kills witch doctor. Then they get on the plane and fly off. The first skit is Joel and the bots hiding seek with the forces that control the universe. Odd… Well the invention exchange! Also I just realized that the Mole People have respirators. The behind the scenes reason is that the costumes were very uncomfortable and they had trouble working inside them. So they have the respirators to cover the mouths. Joel’s is a arm saw built into a toy car so you can drive it across the board, while cutting. Then Joel cuts a whole in the floor and falls through. Kind of funny. Dr. F’s is a saxophone and cut his head off and put in on a saxophone to make music. Not as funny. Next skit is…I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s a joke about the spider and disk explosions, but I just don’t get it… Next skit is joking about the binoculars showing stock footage that shows. So they put different overlays over Cambot to imitate different scenes through those views. My personal favorite is sniper scope. Goes for to long after a while. Lost its comedy after while. Okay Nope Scope was pretty funny. Nest skit is a ship coming to up next to them and my god this joke is getting so old so fast!!! This time it’s Pilot and White Devil being white imperialists. Not funny! Last skit is a funny sitcom parody called “My White Goddess”. Tom is White Devil, Crow is Pilot, and Joel is White Goddess. Pretty funny. All the jokes about White Devil killing everything in sight are pretty funny. The rest of the episode had some funny bits and the skits were hit or miss. The movie was okay. Typical 50’s movie. People would have found it exciting them, but not it’s just kind of dull. Check it out.

Episode Rating – 5/10

Movie Rating – 3/10

Favorite Riff – ‘Why are you called white devil?’ “Because I kill indiscriminately!”

Possible Stinger – The close up of the robot and the robot saluting Bela Lugosi.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3SKwDHX1i4

Trailer – None

The movie starts with a tiny frame that gradually gets bigger. It starts with some people side hacking. What’s side hacking you might ask? Well it’s motorcycle racing with someone in a sidecar doing stunts. Not the most entertaining thing around. This goes on for the entire credits. The credits end and he race is won by our main character played by Ross Hagen. He embraces his girlfriend and they go for a romantic walk and play around while making romantic talk. Then they roll down a hill is slow motion. Just as boring as it might sound. They have more romantic babble and she gives him a lock. Saying that as long as he has it, they will get married. So an engagement lock? Ross goes to talk about it with his buddy at work in the next scene. They talk about some romantic stuff they joke around with each other. Then they get in a joke fight and five guys show up. They visit to get their bikes fixed. The main guy’s (JC) girlfriend talks to Ross Hagen and she tries to hit on him, but he’s just to devoted to his girlfriend. JC asks about side hacking and he flips out at his black buddy Nero for getting the fixing done a few days before. Jackass. Even more so than we’ll soon see. His pal gets into an argument about JC’s girlfriend and that fact that she was ‘throwing herself around’. Cut to more side hacking. I’m honestly surprised this movie isn’t part of the trilogy of dread.

Thrilling ain’t it? 

Three movies that have long and boring scenes that goes on for WAY to long. This shows the race in its entirety and it goes on for almost five minutes. During this Cambot puts in one of his very rare riffs by putting up an ESPN like racing scorecard. Kind of funny. Ross wins the race and JC gives him a job opening in his entertainment group. JC tries it out and he flips out when he falls off. Also this is the third scene of side hacking. It thankfully ends when they crash the motorcycle through the wood fence.

Ah so JC is a Warrior of Sunlight. PRAISE THE SUN!

They go to Ross’ cabin in the woods, drink, and have fun. JC seems like a swell guy, but oh boy does he change. Ross disagrees with the idea of joining and JC gets pissed. When one of the guys asks him something he flips him over. Then Nero tries to calm him down, but he calls him a racial slang that isn’t acceptable in common tongue. Everyone is just kind of un-phased by this. Then him and Ross hug it out. Ross declines again and JC is shockingly calm. I’m pretty sure after they leave he just starts beating his girlfriend. Nero is still in the background of the house. I think he just doesn’t like JC so he decides to stay with Ross and his fiancé. JC and his girlfriend argue a bunch and JC pulls the good in bed excuse and he starts beating her. Joel and the bots do not approve. Then he goes on to say that if anyone touches her he’ll kill them. Good lord he’s unlikable and insane. JC’s girlfriend meets up with Ross and she attempts to seduce him. Dressed in her finest hooker boots. She hits on him, but he doesn’t get it. She hits on him again, but he declines her. She throws a hissy fit and storms off. They find Nero and then they cut to the girlfriend sobbing in depression about being turned down. Then she has a flashback to a few minutes ago. Specifically Ross turning her down and JC saying that he’ll kill anyone who touches her. Then she tears up her clothes. This can only end poorly. Cut to Ross and his girlfriend making love and they have romantic talk. Cut to JC and his buddies walking in to find the torn clothed and crying girlfriend. One of the guys tells them Ross is at the cabin with his girlfriend. Only ending poorly! The girlfriend and Ross talk about their future in the cabin and to fix it up. ONLY ENDS POORLY! JC arrives and…well.

The next shot is Ross waking up in the morning and all beat up. He walks out to see his car was destroyed and he starts stumbling back to the rest of the world. Okay time to explain. This movie had a rape scene. JC his other buddies show up, beat Ross unconscious, rape his girlfriend, and kill her. The crew making the show didn’t know this so when they got to it, they just edited out the scene. This also starts up the mood of the rest of the film. Dark and just depressing. He runs all the way back to his work buddy’s house then runs out and starts crying. Ross recovers and they show depressing music over the area while Ross wanders sadly. Crow just flat out admits that the girlfriend is dead because they couldn’t show it and she’s never brought up again. The romantic montage ends after a while and it cuts to JC complaining about being forced to stay in the hotel for almost ten days. Ross talks about killing JC himself so he sells all his worldly positions and then he decides to form a gang to kill JC and his buds. I’ll give this movie something. I do want to play pool. SO I guess Nero defected from JC’s group before the rape so he decides to team up with Ross to help him. Nero found some guys who would be okay with killing a bunch of strangers, but they just want some cash. OUR HEROES EVERYBODY! After getting all the money he could get they meet Big Jake. A massive body builder who wants $200 bucks to kill the guys…cause….Money talks I guess. To convince Jake of his devotion to his cause Ross punches Jake in the stomach (Not even phasing him) so Jake punches Ross and immediately joins touched by his toughness. He recruits a painter for some reason and after a bit of convincing I think he joins. One of the guys tells all this to JC. JC flips out to his buddies and has a funny dialog solely because of his poor performance. JC has his buddy Gooch spy on Ross and he flips out to his girlfriend about him killing Ross’ girlfriend. Gooch has to work as an infiltrator for JC in Ross’ group and to tell him where JC is hiding out so they can ambush Ross. To seal their agreement he just punches Gooch in the face. Good boss. Gooch is also the other guy who didn’t participate in the rape. It’s apparently nighttime, but it’s shot in broad daylight. Gooch tells Ross not to attack now and wait until morning because JC likes to drink so he’ll most likely be hungover in the morning. Good plan. One of Ross’ memebers tells a crappy joke about inmates and jokes. The joke is that in a prison everyone makes the same joke all the time so instead of saying the whole thing they just shout “NUMBER 8!” or some other number. An old convict tells it and everyone laughs. Later on a new guy tries it and no one laughs. He complains to his cellmate and he says, “Look kid. Some people just know how to tell a joke.” Not funny right? Well the guy telling this joke is just cackling up like a madman. It’s annoying and not even funny to begin with and made even less funny by him. Ross’ work buddy leaves his wife and kids to go die.

They’re also waiting in a rock quarry while they shout loudly. Oh god the annoying guy is named Crapout. He is so annoying! Gooch wakes up and leaves to inform to JC. Ross watches him elave and does…nothing. Gooch talks to JC and gets more info before for the plan before leaving. JC talks to his girlfriend and they ‘re about to make love. The girlfriend talks about how she wants to leave so in a jealous rage he strangles her. JC tries to be sympathetic then, but god damn is he unlikable. Gooch comes back and pretends to be asleep despite them seeing that he’s left. Gooch could have easily had a cover for this. They beat the info out of him and I guess they ruff him up to near death. Gooch tells them all they need to know and they have him show them where JC is. Ross tells his pal to get the cops so he leaves. Good. He is one of the characters I want to live till the end. They ambush JC’s hide out and well…everyone dies. Big Jake is shot after strangling a guy (Also a terrible effect. He’s clearly shot in the back, but the ‘blood’ (ketchup) is on his face and when he falls over no wound is on his body), Gooch is shot by JC despite him being the informant, several people are shot by Crapout and Nero, and the artist is killed at sometime, but I didn’t notice. Also Crapout and Nero just flee after they kill everyone. Of all the people that could have lived they do? I can understand Nero, but why the annoying comic relief that was just introduced. JC shouts like a madman at Ross and they fight it out. Just as the cops arrive Ross decides to spare JC, but Ross is shot in the back and dies. Then a romantic montage of Ross and his girlfriend rolling around play as he dies in the mud. So everyone is dead or soon to be arrested! Brought to you by “No Moral Theater”!

Why the actual hell would someone watch this in 3-D?

The first sketch is having Joel put the bots to bed. It shows his fatherly attitude he has towards the bots. Next skit is the invention exchange, but why would he put the bots to bed before the movie if their sole purpose is to riff the movies with him? Makes no sense. Joel’s is a radioactive slinky that is alive. Odd. The Mads was a slinky body. A slink that can put your body in two spots at once. Eh. Next skit is the side hacking song. The play music and sing a song in front of the side hacking footage. This is very common on MST3K actually. This is just the first time they do it. For a first song it’s very dull in the lyrics department, but the acoustics are all right. The next skit is the bots asking about the side hacking and how it’s no longer prevalent in society. They talk about some possible terminology for side hacking. Eh not that funny. It’s also repeating the side hacking footage we just saw sucks. Next skit is talking about how cool Ross is and they make jokes about the fact that his character named after a Nazi. Not funny. They realize that he’s actually a terrible hero and role model then joke about the crappy prisoner joke. Next up we see Mike Nelson play…for gods sake….JC! Ugh this skit sucks. Okay Frank Conniff as Gooch is hilarious and Mike plays JC actually pretty well and funny. Okay that bit saved the skit. The last skit is another song sung by Joel so he plays a parody of the song that constantly plays. A much better song than the Side Hacking Song. This movie starts as a goofy biker movie then when the rape scene happens it turns to a dark, depressing, and nihilistic movie where everyone dies. Ross seems to be a death seeker who just wants to kill JC and he even admits that he doesn’t know what do after that. The movie is among one of my least favorites solely because of how depressing and nihilistic it is at the mid point on. I consider this worse than most movie son the show because you can just feel the life and happiness drain from you as you watch this depressing as hell movie. I could at least get furious and start screaming in anger during Crawling Hand and Moonbase, but this…Nothing. I just feel depressed. The episode itself has it has rare funny moments and the two last sits are pretty funny. If it was on TV and I absolutely had nothing to do and someone with me hadn’t seen it before I wouldn’t turn it off, but I won’t actively go out to watch it again.

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – Combot’s scorecard & ‘You know I can’t get to you’ “There’s. A. Ladder. In. The Way!”

Possible Stinger – Big Jake – “I don’t believe it. You hit me. Did you see what eh did? I don’t believe it. He hit Big Jake.”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdIOMTXkfdA

Trailer – None

The movie starts on government property. It’s a space lab where they plan to launch a rocket ship to Mars. Four dudes and a girl are about to launch into space in their stylish leather suits. They hold a press conference about the project and they talk about sending the people into space (X-M Stands for eXpodtion Moon). The crew is introduced. Col. Flloyd, Dr. Lisa, Dr. Carl, Maj. William, Harry (No rank), and Dr. Ralph. They go over their plan.

They go over their plan. They’re going to the Moon. People have some exposition chat. They go to the rocket and they blast off.

A lot of space travel and science mumbo jumbo later and they jettison their tail section and continue the flight. They talk and someone is a being a sexist asshat to Lisa. I honestly can’t tell the difference between them. Some more space stuff happens and they get into some troubles. One of the guys plays his harmonica, but I comically floats off in the regular gravity area. A giant telescope looks for them, but they notice that X-M hasn’t been moving all that much. Slicked back hair guy is dumb. He’s obviously hitting on Lisa and tries to get into, her panties, but he sucks at being attractive. They engage in dumb romantic dialog and asteroids come by.

They are forced to do some repairs cause I guess they got hit. There becomes a problem with the oxygen, speeding up, and they pass out after a while. They vanish from the telescopes view and are completely off course. They wake up and they find that they are ways off course. They find out by looking out the window and they are within the range of Mars. They land down on Mars and they’re fine despite the rough landing. They land and find that…Rain and thunder on Mars? Oh how naïve the 50’s were. Also the black & white cinematography makes it look like snow on Mars. Looks like Death Valley. Well it is the most unearthly place on Earth.

Also doubles as the set of the Thing From Another World

They wander for a bit and I just realized that it also has a breathable atmosphere. They wander for a bit more and they find a building.

Actually decent map painting

They dig up a mask near it so they get suspicious. One of the guys sees some things, but they run away. They go to look for the Martians, but they run towards a cave. One of the Martians is shot and he falls down a mountain. Primitive Martians attack them and a female screams and is taken back by a guy who looked kind of like Tor Johnson of Plan 9 infamy.

Some rocks that the Martians are throwing crush one of the dude’s. They run away and one of them guys trips and is killed by a rock. They lift off with only three people left. They get close to Earth and they attempt to land with an inoperable navigator and two dead buddies. All that’s left is Lisa, Smirky McFlirtsalot, and the wounded guy. They successfully land and inform the people of the deaths. The leader of the operation says it was a success and informs the press of an R-X-M2.

The first sketch of Season 2 is a repair being made on Tom Servo to change his voice. Thank god. Josh Weinstein sucked. Now in the next skit we get to hear a variety of new voices until we settle on the beloved Kevin Murphy Tom that lasts till the series’ ending. Also we lose Josh Weinstein completely and TV’s Frank played by Frank Conniff has replaced Josh’s character that has just vanished. Probably due to the mutation from Black Scorpion, but we have a movie that brings it up soon in Season 3. Frank is working at Dr. Forrester’s new restaurant. They order food and they try to escape the ship by tricking Frank into lowering them, but Dr. F intervenes. Also we get out first glimpse of the Mole People. For Season 2 and Season 3 there was two Mole People who were assistants to Dr. F and TV’s Frank. The invention exchange on both sides is the BGC-19. The robot suit from Aliens except a drum set. Pretty funny. Next skit is unfocused and pretty dumb. It’s talking about the unsung hero of the movie. The reporters. Funny at certain points. The joke about Spike was funny though. William Studman was funny too. Next up is Joel lecturing the bots on Selective Gravity and how some stuff is funnier with no gravity. Not funny. Next skit is them relaxing and waxing poetic about life. They find a ship and Valaria from Robot Holocaust pilots it. Not funny. The episode isn’t the best. They’re still ironing out the goodness. We’ll see the laugh out louds later on the season and definitely at the Season 3. The episode is kind of dull, but the movie was okay. Nothing special, just okay. Recommended for completionists.

Episode Rating – 3/10

Movie Rating – 4/10

Favorite Riff – “By this point my lungs were aching for air.”

Possible Stinger – “A mere speck. Texas a mere speck?”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIpM8xIOpTA

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oCMTgSbL8s