First short is a guy narrating water sports. First is watching girls water ski, new kids water skiing, and more water skiing. That’s pretty much it. Sometimes in slow-mo sometimes not. Next up is Catching Trouble. We meet Ross. He has a Native American guide. They go out to catch live animals in the Zoo. Then we see footage of a wild cat. Then the native cuts down the tree that wild cat is in. The narrator frequently refers to Ross as his Boyfriend. He just drops the cat off a tree and they catch it again. Then bear cubs. He just wrangles the first bear and they tie it up. While Ross torments the crying bear Joel and the Bots remark that this is awful to watch. Also there’s no Mother. So we sadly don’t see it rip Ross apart, but knowing this means he shot the mom. Ross then torments a few snakes. It’s amusing to see Joel & the bots root for the snakes to kill Ross. Ross leaps into the water to try and catch the bear. They say this is all authentic, but there’s an underwater camera waiting for them. Most of these are stages shots it’s obvious. Then more depressing shots of the bears crying. The end. Feel that tingle on the back of your neck? That means your still human. Keep that.
Onto the actual movie we see a biblical narration about the opening. There was goodness, and then man came and screwed everything up. We have Robert Vaughn as our thirty five year old Teenager with well-groomed hair. So everyone lives in a small tribe next to Bronson Cave. I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women. Our hero is shown disobeying the all-important law, by going by the forbidden river.
Doesn’t he look just like a teen?
The two talk of the law and how vague it is and how it stops them from killing each other. Then about how the forest is full of evil things and The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch. That is seriously what everything is called. Our heroes’ dad is called Symbol Maker. Our hero is called “Symbol Maker’s Son”. Then we see our hero question why people sit around staring at small fires, the wheel, and building and breaking. Legos? That surely is a gift from god. A beard guy tells him about how he should break the laws and learn new things. The leader gives them a speech and they make some symbols. They are apparently clairvoyant too. So they make some symbols while the son frequently asks questions. Some guys go hunt stock footage. They shake some rattles and they find a guy in a bear suit. He attacks the father, but they kill it.

Dad has ancient surgery and the guy once gain tells him to cross the river. Turns out he wants Symbol Maker’s Son to die. The Symbol Maker’s Son gets his buddies to travel with him. Symbol Maker’s Son discovers the flute and they get attacked by a giant Komodo Dragon. Then the same stock footage from Robot Monster of “Dinos” fighting. One of the guys falls in…quicksand. They mean water. Quote the bots, “Oh look he’s invented swimming!” “No looks like he invented drowning.” Symbol Maker’s Son wanders a while and tries to kill a squirrel. He kills one next time though. Then more dino stock footage. He makes a fire on super grassy land, which is just the greatest idea. He sees a stupid guy in a costume with long ass fingers and a beak and big eyes. HE FOUND TRUMPY! Nah its The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch. Symbol Maker’s Son runs away and hits his head on a tree and is knocked out. That is funny. Our heroes’ dad gets better and goes off to find his son. At least he cares about his son. When he gets better he’ll go save his son. Symbol Maker’s Son gets up with some newfound intelligence as he makes a bow and arrows. It works too! He kills a deer with it. Dad gets batter and Symbol Maker’s Son makes his way back. Then some dogs chase after the deer’s blood. Dad comes and saves Symbol Maker’s Son. There is a trial for him with lawman demanding his death, but instead of death they instead shun him. Then Symbol Maker’s Son and lawman fight. He’s about to shoot an arrow, but boss says they have to stop. He goes to peep on a girl and seduces her with his pan flute skills.

Then a guy wanders in from a different movie. It’s a guy from the burning plain (the desert). He rides a horse and falls. They try to throw spears, but they miss and he still dies. He calls out for peace with last breath. They boss, father, and son talk about re-writing the law and it shall be hard. Symbol Maker’s Son becomes an adult now. Symbol Maker’s Son accurately predicts the movies ending. He has his own place. He’s also married. Good for him I guess. Despite being an adult now he speaks of the forest. So our hero also made the quiver. How did he get the leather? The father leaves to save his son. Lawman gives crap to the women. You know I think his problem is his limp stopped him from breeding. Then cut to everyone running through the forest. Symbol Maker’s Son meets the The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch.

The father sees the creature and the son wants to spare the The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch. The dogs maul some people. Lawman drops a rock on The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch so the Symbol Maker’s Son kills him. They find out that The God that Gives Death with a Single Touch is actually an old, old man. He says that it was the radiation suit that kept him alive for 500 years. He kept a small diary that everyone can read somehow. Well it’s mostly pictures and they were of old Earth. PLOT TWIST! IT WAS THE FUTURE ALL ALONG! Thanks Shyamalan! He gives us an ending narration about the evils of nuclear war. The End.
Opening skit is Joel & the Bots bored out of the mind during a rainstorm. They decide to make poker. Eh. The invention exchange is Vomiting Drinks for Joel and the Bots. Crow’s is chocolate milk + pickle juice, Tom’s is circus peanuts + warm strawberry Quik + a punch in the stomach, and Joel’s is Lucky Charms + cherry Nyquil. Dr. F and Frank are fighting when Frank turns on an evil machine. Seeing Frank go crazy is pretty funny! Next skit is a delightful sight. Catching Ross. Joel and Crow tormenting Ross. They beat him with hammers, catching in bags, punching him, chain sawing his tree down, lighting him on fire, the rattlesnake then keeps him company, stuff him in a box, and shaking said box. Tom put is best, “If you ever enjoyed Catching Trouble in anyway, there’s something wrong with you.” Joel shows the Bots a history of Technology. This bores them to sleep. Technology’s greatest achievement? The Flying Nun. We don’t see it cause Dr. F & Frank are still fighting. Still pretty funny. Next skit is people talking about human development. They wax poetics. Kind of thing I’d do with my film loving buddies I’ll be honest. Last skit is the Bots parodying the narrator. More importantly Dr. F and Frank aren’t fighting anymore. Pretty funny.
This episode is hilarious. The skits are funny, the jokes are hilarious, and there was a great bunch of running gags. It was loads of fun to watch and write considering that I kept using their longer and actual names. The movie sucked. It was slow, dumb, and preachy as all hell on both sides. Beach Dickerson did quadruple roles. Not only is he the fair-haired boy that drowns in quicksand, he is also the stranger riding in from the burning plains, the bear that attacks the hunting party, and even plays a drummer during the funeral for his own character. Also that clip of the Symbol Maker’s Son hitting his head will never be unfunny.
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – Pretty much all of Catching Trouble, frequently mentioning inventing things, Ron won’t stop touching our hero, “Roger Corman. This must have been painstaking filmed over three days!”, “Oh look he’s invented swimming!” “No looks like he invented drowning.”
Stinger – The 35 year old Teenage Caveman runs into a tree and gets knocked out.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3qoqkKCK3M
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qziOla3ZrI

Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank! We have to watch Sandy Frank! (Those sentences were sung while being written.) Mighty Jack opens similar to Fugitive Alien with shots of a ship sitting in dock. This time is a submarine and boat. This one is yet again torn apart from a Japanese TV show, but instead of doing the full season they simply did the first and sixth episodes. Then pictures of slavery and death! We hear a group named Q wants to take over the world and force peace. So the Japanese president forms a group to stop Q called Mighty Jack. Mighty Jack is to be formed from talented men and women. We get shot around to different locations then we stop at Paris as we see people drinking, people smoking, and lamps. A man drives off. His car gets caught in a net and he is flown away. His name is Mr. Atari and Q captured him. Some lady talks about it to a colonel and he contacts Mighty Jack. Also one of them is named Catharine. How many are named Ken? Then a bizarre dolly shot as Catherine and the general talking. Atarai throws a button that explodes, a shot of pistons, and then a member of MJ talking to the general. They go flying and they try to find Mr. Atari. Atari pulls the heel off and finds a communicator. Is no one watching him on a camera? He puts some stuff together and like Tom I am bored and humming a song to myself. They find his location and Q’s jet fires at MJ’s ship. Then we see a toy boat pretending to be a real boat. They get the exact signal and it looks like the came person who plays Tammy is Fugitive Alien. “We have to send out Mighty Jack!” Didn’t you already? So the ship rises from the water and flies into a boat I think. They lock him in his chair I guess then drop something on him. It’s said to blind him and they say the light would blind him. Wouldn’t that also scorch his skin? He immediately caves. A woman talks into her lipstick outside of MJ’s headquarters. She pulls the eye off a picture and I assume that was a hiding spot for MJ. Q contacts them and threatens them with a nuke and says if they give over MJ they’ll free Atari. One of the guys in MJ says they shouldn’t and leave him cause Atari gives him some sass. An assassin threatens the colonel and when she flees she exploded. One of the members of MJ scuba dives onto an island and his clothes are dry. Must have the Formal Flippers. Another member of MJ goes out to meet Jerry the member of MJ who just found Atari. He rolls on like four suppressors too. Then cause the guy who came in screwed up all the doors and windows lock and poison gas is leaked into the room. Also all Jerry’s suppressors are gone! Jerry tries to swat away the gas, which is just humorous. Atari says, “Don’t move! We have to get a out!” He just contradicted himself. Apparently it was the other guy who had all the suppressors. He blows up the door. Before they can leave Atari says they have to blow up the building. They drive off in their boat at night then a jet flies out of the water in the morning, then Q fires the nukes at night, and MJ bombing them at night. I assume the take off shot from the water was stock footage from earlier. Then more missiles fired in the day, then to night, then back to morning, then more stock footage of a shot we just saw! Jesus I have never had a more appropriate need to use this line from Ed Wood! “What do you know about film making? It’s called suspension of disbelief!” Atari suggests they blow up the island and they immediately bend to his whim. Then we see slowed down footage of the ship crashing in water. Atari is actually a Major. Did no one think to brief anyone? Atari talks to the colonel and they talk about an alloy and breakfast. MJ goes to Antarctica and finds Q there. We see some toy divers do to a place. MJ blows up a Q submarine. Jerry and some other guy get hurt. The colonel talks abut how a possible Q base made entirely of ice. Then we see that Q is spying on MJ. Then the leader of Q laughs. In boredom the gang sings the “Forklift Song” from Fugitive Alien. A girl sent t o investigate is beaten by Q and is saved by a guitar player. He’s apparently a guy who helped out in a 3rd world. Then cut to a scantly dancer. I love where this scene is headed. Doesn’t go anywhere sadly. He talks to her about MJ so I assume he’s a member of Q. Someone tries to snipe them and they run off to stop him instead of trying to shoot at him. These agents suck at their job. They find a transparent bullet and it cannot melt. Also colonel finally found the Q tracker. He apparently knew about it. They ask a doctor who they suspect is a member of Q about the hot ice bullet. Turns out the doctor’s assistant we just met named Fritz is also his son. The guitar dude captures Catherine and gives her to Q. Fritz betrays the doctor. The doctor acts surprised, but he is German. Two members of MJ go to inspect the Doctor’s house and find a thing that super freezes water. We see its Fritz and him and a guy fight. They go to a boat with a bunch of the stuff and they get on it. The obvious Q agent tries to run off, but he screws up. Fritz freezes some stuff and they immediately surrender to him. A gunfight ensues and they almost capture Fritz. He explodes. WHAT? He opens the briefcase with the freezer and he explodes! They plan to destroy the hot ice, but it can’t be destroyed. Also their engine is about to explode. So evil shall win? More footage of lasers and missiles then Mighty Jack wins.
Opening skit is the bots freaking out that the Satellite is in ruins and Joel is dead! He actually isn’t. Pretty funny I’ll admit. Invention exchange is the Mads create Formal Flippers for those formal spying occasions. Joel demonstrates his Ear-Shaped Earmuffs, so you don’t have dorky balls of fuzz on either side of your head. I don’t wear earmuffs or go scuba diving. Dr. F has wonderful legs though. Also Frank remarks that he wants kids. Next skit is Mighty Jack themed dog food. The spokesperson is a crappy puppet made by Crow and is pretty creepy. Joel breaks the fourth wall by saying, “Lets see how the pros do it.” Middle segment is The Bots imprison Joel in the blinding light compartment from the movie. Joel foils their plans by closing his eyes. They constantly remark that Joel is too smart. It’s pretty funny to see the bots in this one especially Crow going off his script on being a cat. Next skit is Joel showing the Bots how cheap underwater filming is done by way of an aquarium. More importantly Crow got offers for Earth vs Soup! In the final sketch the SOL crew sings the old plot chanty “Slow the Plot Down” and gets Mighty Jack confused with other famous films. I’ll admit I didn’t like this episode at all. It just wasn’t funny. As for the movie I don’t like spy movies aside from James Bond and I only like Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, and some of Roger Moore’s movies. The effects sucked and they compressed the first episode and an episode in the middle of a season. Really some people might like it more I didn’t like it at all.
Episode Rating – 1/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – ‘Contact our agent now!’ “We want out of this film!”
Stinger – Fritz explodes.

First up is a short. Right off the bat and I can’t understand a word of what these people are saying and time is hiccupping. A man goes over stuff to do and stuff to not do. You must be heard, understood, and pleasing. Then a story about headhunters. Our narrator talks about being dull and boring. Like him. ‘She can’t be heard, she can’t be understood, and she’s not very pleasing.’ Well that’s all a matter of opinion and how would you know how pleasing she was? Next guy doesn’t believe in opening his mouth. He says carelessness is the one thing stopping us from being good speakers. ‘Have you found yourself yet?’ Wow I wasn’t expecting such insightful thought from a PSA about speaking, but no I’m working on it. Then its close ups on mouths as we see people talk. He says use plenty of lip and tongue action. This is apparently a teacher saying this to a class.

Yet another Bert I. Gordon film. This time it’s about giant spiders. It starts at night and someone is driving down the road. He looks at a bracelet gift he’s going to give his daughter Carol distracting himself from the dark road. He is then killed. Tom cleverly says, “I don’t think the movie’s about him.” Then we see Carol and her boyfriend Mike. Mike is unintentionally an asshole about her missing dad. Mike & Carol drive off to look for her dad. I love the SoL’s jokes about a dead dad. She finds her dad’s gift on the side of the road and the destroyed car down a ditch. Mike is actually trying to justify that her dad MIGHT still be alive. Mike and Carol go in the cave and they wander for a bit. They find some skeleton, but they keep going. Shortly thereafter they fall into a giant spider web and a giant spider with it. They flee the cave and report the web to their teacher. The teens report the spider and while the cops and teacher don’t believe them, her dad is still missing so they round up a party to search the cave. They also may joke, but they bring high caliber rifles AND have the pest control bring gasses to kill potential spiders. While wandering the sheriff shotguns down a bat. They do eventually find shriveled up prune daddy.

They find the web and bring the gas in. They encounter the spider and one of the guys really looks like Dr. Erhardt from season 1! Quote Joel “So that’s what happened to him!” So yeah everybody between season 1 and season 2 he was killed by a giant spider. Well now they have their proof of giant spiders. Carol lost her bracelet in the cave and while the sheriff wants to board it up the scientist wants to leave it oven so people can study the spiders. This seems unwise. They study the spider, but it’s leg moves. Mike works at his dad’s theater and it’s playing….Attack of the Puppet People and The Amazing Colossal Man. Such shameless plugs. They keep borrowing the car from his buddy Joe. The spider is woken up by a crappy band of people. People walk in and they start dancing. The spider gets up and kills a janitor. The spider wanders through the streets attacking people.

A particularly stupid lady gets her dress stuck in a car door and she tries to pull it out instead of opening the car door. There’s a humorous shot of the spider creeping outside the window, but the sheriff and teacher are staring at a wall. The spider shows up at the teacher’s house and almost gets to his family. Carol and Mike (It honestly took me a while to remember his name) look around for the bracelet and go even deeper than before. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand they were never seen again. Sure the bracelet is kind of important to her, but their goddamn lives are at stake. The sheriff once again says they should have boarded it up, but one of the guys poses a better option and says they can blow the entrance up and seal the whole cave in. But our leads are still in there! There’s a bunch of padding of them wandering around the cave and the cops show up with the dynamite. The couple tries to climb up through the web, but they get stuck (NO SHIT).

The two get trapped inside with the cave and the people are told to open up the cave. The couple calls for help so the SoL crew makes jokes about the short. They dig down into the cave and save the kids. Then they use lighting rods or something to shock the spider to death. Then they seal it up again. The end.
It’s “Inside the Robot Mind” with host Crow T. Robot and special guest Tom Servo! They don’t get past the introduction. For the Invention Exchange TV’s Frank uses the cheese phone and Joel presents the CD Blow Dryer to replace the In-Salon 8-Track and the Portable Dryer Cassette models. Next skit is Crow talking about how he’s writing scripts for when he gets down to Earth. His script is Earth vs Soup. Soup creeps around on all fours. What did you guys think Soup was a biped or something? Middle skit is the SoL crew dressed in spider suits discussing their rock opera group Spidorr. Then a giant high school pulls up next to them! NO! A space janitor come sup and talks to them. NO! The skit should have ended when they were about to play for the second time. Joel and the Bots lament the loss of cool, yet dangerous toys of the past, like Creepy Crawlers and Lawn Darts. Eh. Tom and Crow write reports. Tom’s report focuses on Bert I. Gordon’s common themes. Crow’s isn’t finished yet. Frank has repercussions from consuming the entire cheese phone. Once again eh. There are a lot of funny jokes and moments from the episode and movie. Just like Gamera vs. Guiron I had forgotten just how funny it was. The jokes in the episode were very funny, but the skits seemed to lack a sense of flair aside from Earth vs. Soup. Like before it was very good, just not one of my favorites.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – After the dad is killed, “I don’t think the movie’s about him.”
Stinger – A poor speaker from the short rambles on.
Possible Stinger – “Use lots of lip and tongue action.”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46nS8HdWVsg
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tINr-ML_CdU

Gamera is back and I didn’t miss him. This time there are two child leads and one of them is a white kid. Scientists hear noises from space and both them and the press believe there is an otherworldly source for alien life. He gives an explanation of all the planets and says it most be some fake planet. Then we get to see our kids…Our poorly dubbed, awfully acted, and annoying kids. For some reason the little girls are the worst of all. The Japanese kid is named Akio and the white kid is named Tom. I sense a poor future for Tom considering the last episode. They love space and they freak out when they see a UFO, but who wouldn’t. Their mother shows up and scolds them for not studying. Akio talks about how the space aliens are probably more advanced and don’t have war or traffic accidents. Cut to the morning and they are biking away to the UFO. First they see a man practicing with a wooden sword so Tom shoots his towel away or something. Then he threatens to shave their heads. The generic music makes Crow and Tom singing along to it. They find the ship then Tom and Akio walk inside. They joke that it’s time for take off and they ACTUALLY DO LIFT OFF! The dumbasses pull up the stairs and fly off. Then there are some asteroids and they still don’t know how to control the ship. The asteroid crashes into the ship smashing the hull, cracking the glass, and making them both die of asphyxiation. Sadly no Gamera shows up and knocks the asteroid away. They say they want to race Gamera, but they still don’t know how to fly it. Sadly now we hear the Gamera song sung by some annoying kids. All the while the SoL crew make fun of the lyrics.

The ship speeds off leaving Gamera. The sister tells the space ship story to her mom and she obviously doesn’t believe her. I really want to skip every scene with her because she makes me ears hurt. They land on a barren planet and they think it’s the new planet. They mistakenly call Earth a star. Then Gaos shows up! Not entirely they call it a Space Gaos because it’s painted silver instead of black. Then a river drains and a new monster shows up. This is Guiron. He is a dog like monster with a giant sword for a face. Kind of cool actually.

Gaos fires of a laser, but Guiron deflects it with the sword and the laser slices of Gaos’ leg! Gaos flies off to try and attack, but Guiron leaps up and slices of a wing. Crow is making a ton of bad jokes during this. Then Guiron chops of the other wing. Then Gaos makes noises like it’s begging for mercy, but Guiron slices of it’s head! Guiron chops the rest of the body up like a butcher.
YOU KNOW! FOR KIDS!!!
The kids think Guiron saw them, but they run into a small pyramid thing that teleports them around. They once again mistake the planet for the star and they go inside a building. The two go on a conveyor belt and they are moved all around. Two aliens watch them and they sound like annoying chipmunks. They show up with human looking bodies and they speak English with technologies. Apparently everyone mistakes Earth and the new planet Terra for stars. Speaking of which, Terra is directly on the opposite side of Earth. Makes you wonder why no one ever finds worlds like this. Another Gaos shows up so they release Guiron again. Akio once again displays his joy of a perfect world is no work, wars, or traffic accidents. Quote Crow, “What is his obsession with traffic accidents?” Guiron is their watchdog against Gaos who wiped out their entire race aside from the two of them. Within five hours the planet is supposed to freeze over. Gamera keeps flying around looking for them. The aliens say the ship can only eat two people. They plan to eat the kids. Akio looks dead eyed then one of the aliens wants to know what he’s thinking. All he has on the mind is bagels. He mentions Gamera and we see stock footage of the previous movies. Then we see stock footage of Gamera vs. Viras a movie we didn’t see. Akio wakes up and he says they both want bagels. They want to eat their brains because they think they’ll take all their intelligence.

Then cut back to Earth and the adults talk about their kids. That scene was pointless. Then cut to the cop and the girl, then cuts to them finding the bikes. They go to the empty area where the ship used to be. The best part of this scene is Tom’s mom shrugging off in the distance. The cop Cornjob believes her and sees what he could do. Tom’s mom doesn’t seem to understand the concept of humoring someone. The boys get their bagels, which I just, realized am donuts. Then they hear Gamera. The two are drugged and they are going to eat the boys. They shave Tom’s head and before they can eat him Gamera shows up. Guiron is released and the two fight. Guiron bashes the shell with his blade and blood spurts out. Gamera throws Guiron into a mountain and Gamera unleashes his fire. Then Guiron fires boomerang ninja stars that hit Gamera in the face. He feels better by rubbing his face with ice. Gamera falls into the water and it was super deep. Tom and Akio wake up and run away. They go in a teleporter and imagine if they warp into the area that was taken over by Gaos. They break off the nobs to the teleporter and gloat about how the aliens can’t come back. Ha! That’s brilliant! Except for the fact that it in no way hinders then from going there from ANOTHER teleporter and will only hinder their own escape! They are captured and are put in a cage. Proof that the kids are loud and obnoxious is that Gamera hears them at the bottom of the sea! They pull out their dart gun and shoot their way out. They accidently release Guiron and he slices the ship in half. One of the aliens broke her leg so the other kills her. They make annoying noises as they beg for mercy and I think that just makes Guiron want to kill them more. Crow compares this film to Hamlet because everyone dies. The kids escape cause of some rubble and Gamera finishes the fight with Guiron. In the final fight Gamera grabs onto a convenient pole, spins around like he’s on the Olympics, and leaps to make a sweet landing.

The surviving alien tries to power up the room and take the rocket. The kids fire the missile and Gamera catches it, then throws it at Gurion blowing up is head. The kids get inside the ship and Gamera keeps the oxygen inside by biting it. The kids finally come home and everyone arrives to see Gamera come. The kids are found and…the ship is in one piece…Odd. They say they found a planet, but they prefer the Earth. To end the film Akio once again speaks of his dream of a world without war and traffic accidents.

Opening is Crow and Tom Servo play school lunch with real food. A note from his non-existent mom embarrasses Servo. Eh. Crow has a great retort to not being allowed to eat cheese. “It was American cheese so I though it would be fine.” For the invention exchange Joel creates a collapsible garbage can for campers and his idea for a collapsible port-a-potty meets with less acclaim and the Mads do Sexy Rorschach. I would actually like BOTH of Joel’s. Next skit is Joel and the bots singing a fake American version of the Gamera song. Very funny. Next skit is VERY close after the last one. Joel cuts a sleeping Crow in half with Tom, who is dressed like Guiron. Then real Crow shows up and spoils it. That was actually really funny. Second to last skit is a long and boring sketch about the life of Richard Burton, based on the fact that the American kid in the movie vaguely resembles him. Not funny. Except all the booze and ice is kind of funny. A “Japanese” version of the Gamera song, followed by the Mads enjoying tales and songs from Michael Feinstein. Every version of the Gamera song is pretty funny. Mike’s story is funny. This is a funny episode. Not one of my favorites, but damn is it a lot funnier than I remember. The movie sucks. It has too much of the annoying kids and the little girl is the worst. The action is fine and the singing is just funny. The jokes are spot on and the skits are mostly amazing. The Richard Burton skit was long and boring while being stretched for four minutes I felt like I needed a drink. Regardless I recommend it.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – “That explains it they’re in California! Lack of water, earthquakes, giant…monsters.”, “Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat! Gamera is filled with meat! We’ve been eating Gamera!”, and ‘Those girls are cannibals!’ “They ate my hair!?”
Stinger – One of the kids saying “What a monster!”
Possible Stinger – Guiron decapitating Gaos.

Our short is about snow sports! Entertaining right? We see dudes skate along and skate some more. Then ice dancing. Then ice boating. As you can tell this is really dull to watch. Then dog sledding. Then polar bear swimming. Skiing. The narrator claims the pronunciation is schiing so Joel says he’s full of skit. More skiing. Ice fishing. Ending off with bobsledding. Wasn’t that fun?
Our first Roger Corman film. Certainly won’t be the last! With Lee Van Cleef! A satellite is about to launch and a crew of scientists watches in their room. Then we see three people talking a room. One of them is Lee I think. Then we see our main trio of actors eating dinner together plus another lady. Our other bland hero is named Paul and Lee is named Tom. Tom and Paul play around with a ham radio Tom was building and he shoots radio signals off Venus. The satellite had vanished in space. Then they’re driving down the road and cut back to Tom sitting on a chair as his wife aimlessly wanders the room throwing stuff. Paul shows up at the science base and the satellite somehow comes back. Then he just goes home. Very important few scenes. Tom goes on the radio to speak to the Venusian and how he’s his only friend.

His wife shows up and he talks to her about his alien friend, but she things he’s crazy and should rest. Then she goes to bed without him. Then a general wanders around a room. That’s it. Tom falls asleep on the couch instead of going to bed. What’s the point of half these ten second scenes? The scientists spew out some technobabble and they find that the satellite is unable to come down. Then a UFO comes down and it explodes! Tom says the Venusian is okay and his wife still thinks he’s crazy. We see the Venusian and he looks like a giant pickle with crab claws. Then a montage of…stuff. Construction, records, power lines, random cars not driving, and a plane explodes. All the electricity just sorta stopped for some reason. Also the Venusian came down on the satellite. Tom just keeps talking to the Venusian and it…craps out bats…I do not know. Some people talks about the power outage and I am convinced one of them is named Mr. Asshole. Tom gets punched because he predicted this. One of the bats flies over Paul and his wife then he throws a rock at it. Also Tom’s car is actually working. A bat flies over some cop and it flies into his neck and shocks him. Paul and his wife finally arrive at Tom’s place and they chat as they drink some Bourbon. The bat attacks a military dude and instead of shooting it he tries to hit it with his gun. It stings his neck and he hides it.

Tom admits that the Venusian is taking over the people of the world. Tom has no problem with it and he believes that humans need saving. They talk about some more science and how stupidity is awful. I fully agree with them on that. Tom says we’re being liberated and freed by having our minds taken over. Paul and his wife leave. Tom gets mad at his wife, but she says she’ll stand by him because she believes in him. Tom tells the Venusian to take over the mind of Paul. The controlled General sends some men out to get out of the area. He gives them his working watch. Apparently the Venusian gives power back to those who are controlled. The General says that all the power outages are the Commies’ fault. He has everyone stay in the building for “protection”. Paul and his wife talk about Tom predicting stuff. Tom tells the Venusian about a good hiding spot and Tom is instructed not to leave until the town is evacuated. People run out of the town. Paul follows them to see where they go and he gets no answers. The military men wander into the woods and that’s it. Paul then bikes away as the bat creature gets to his wife. A controlled cop tries to get a news printer out of the town, but he refuses and is killed. He knocks Paul on the ground and lets him go. Tom watches the sky for the bat creatures and Tom tells his wife that they bite people in the neck to control them. This guy is a Communist. I know it. He’s secretly a Communist and he wants everyone to conform and be safe. Tom embraces his wife, but she says it’s a waste and contradicts his idea. She says that all the good things must be kept with the bad. Paul bikes off the military base and is brought back to the town by the general. Paul obviously brings up that the car is working so the General makes a stupid excuse. Paul knocks out the General and drives off. A bat creature flies toward him, but he shoots it. He goes over to Tom’s place and calls him a murder. Paul brings up conformity like this and all the death they caused, but Tom brings up that they brought good change. Paul says he can turn that around on him. Tom says the Venusian wants him, but Paul says he won’t and that he’s the greatest traitor in history because he betrayed all of mankind. Peter Graves as Paul Nelson has amazing monologues! Tom is mourning the fact that he lost his best friend, but his wife says that Paul stayed beside him all along until now. Tom calls that she’s a traitor, but she said that she did nothing and the she struggles to continue love him. Something that Roger Corman does right is that he writes VERY strong female characters. They get stuff done! Paul comes home and his wife was taken over. He calls her out on getting out of the shower, but he doesn’t notice the GODDAMN LIGHTS ON RIGHT NEXT TO HIM! A bat is thrown at him, but he stabs it with a fire poker. Paul says he go over to Tom’s, but he has to do something first. Paul is considered the first, only, and greatest enemy and must be killed. Paul waits for his wife to return and when she does he kills her. The military dudes sit around checking their guns.

Tom kisses his wife then talks about the Venusian. We cut back to the scientists after lord knows how long. The technology comes back on and we see two of them were taken over and they kill the third scientist. Tom goes out to meet Paul and his wife declares the Venusian a coward over the radio and how much she hates it. She declares how much she hates it and she steals the car with armed with a shotgun. Paul and Tom talk about killing the Venusian. She gets out of the car and runs inside the cave and finds the Venusian. It loops the footage of her entering the cave. Tom finds that his wife took the shotgun. In a badass moment Tom’s wife says she’ll see the Venusian in hell and starts shooting it. The Venusian kill her and Tom hears the whole thing over the radio.

This breaks him and he betrays the Venusian’s side. One of the soldiers finds the Venusian and runs after he fires a few bullet s in it. Paul goes to the base and he kills the two scientists, but the General survives his wound. The military shows up and they search for the Venusian. Tom makes a flamethrower and the men run inside. Then general takes another jeep and drives off. This time Paul kills the general. Makes me wonder why he didn’t die the first time. Tom them ROASTS THE CONTROLLED COP TO DEATH WITH HIS FLAMETHROWER! Seeing a man try CQC with the Venusian is pretty damn hilarious. Several of the men are killed and Tom kills the Venusian with the flamethrower as he is strangled.

Paul shows up and delivers one final amazing monologue. “He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that’s gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can’t be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.” The end.
Opening skit is Crow acting like a ventriloquist dummy with Joel. For the invention exchange the Mads create instant hanged men costumes, and Joel demonstrates the Sony Seaman, which imitates the soothing sounds of the ocean. Both are pretty funny. Next skit is Joel and the Bots do their own version of the winter sports seen in the short. Pretty funny. Then Joel and the bots do a very rude version of the drinking scene. Pretty funny actually. Fourth skit is Joel and the Bots sing the “Celebrity Siblings Song” when the bots admit confusion over the relation of James Arness and Peter Graves. For those who don’t know James Arness is Peter Graves are brothers, but Peter changed his last name to build up his own fame. Kind of like a reverse Martin Sheen and Joe Estevez. Whose Joe Estavez? You will learn his name. Weakest skit. The closing skit is Joel, the bots, Dr. F, and TV’s Frank listening to Paul’s speech. The credits are Paul’s speech as well. I’ll admit it is a damn good speech. From my skimming through the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide it seems this is one of the movies they really liked. They loved Beverly Garland (playing Tom’s wife), but the low point was the monster. I agree. This was really good! If they had gotten a better effect I would not hesitate to say this should be one of the best monster movies of the 50s. The story is fantastic and everyone is (most of the time) wise to their situation. Peter Graves’ many, many monologues are VERY good especially the last one. Episode wise it was a very funny one and I say to watch it!
Episode Rating – 9/10
Movie Rating – 9/10
Favorite Riff – “He holds the worlds fate in his hand and he can’t drive a stick.” & ‘The days of people making fun of me are over.’ “You shall bow down before me!”
Stinger – “He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature…”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eul_X5s2y3Y
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vD-Z56Px_k

Sandy Frank! Welcome back Sandy Frank! Yet another strung together TV series made movie from Japan. Starts with aliens attacking Earth in a scene very reminiscent of Battlestar Galatica’s first episode. The leader of the Star Raiders look looks like Pinhead, but without the pins. The Star Raiders kill everyone and we meet out main character Ken and his friend Ken(?). However Ken refuses to kill a named kid Ken and Ken flashbacks to his own mother. In the struggle Ken kills his best friend Ken and Ken is declared a traitor. Yes I am doing this on purpose. Ken steals a ship and flies off.
The exhaust port shall be in range in moments
His ship refuses to work for some reason so he ejects himself into space and is picked up by an Earth ship called Bacchus 3. Yes the captain of that ship is a massive drunk. Speaking of Captain Joe he is probably my favorite character in this show/movie. He’s just a loud drunk that still does a damn good job. Tom references Marooned in the scene where they pick him up which is a coincidence considering they do an episode on Marooned. Ken attacks his saviors Joe, Tammy, Rocky, Billy, and Dan, but he gets his ass kicked by Joe. He says he’s an astronomer and he heard of the Star Raiders, but Joe is wise to the lie. They cannot kill him yet because the Star Raiders are closing in. Ken helps them escape the Star Raiders. Ken is knocked out again and is brought to Earth. Joe goes to a hospital to see his dead daughter and dying wife. She then dies. It’s a real shame cause Joe was just about to retire after that mission to be with his family. NOT KIDDING! Ken breaks into a ship that just happens to be Bacchus 3 with Joe already inside smoking a cigar. The two engage in witty dialog as they argue. We see some insane slam zoom editing. Ken tells the story of how he had killed Ken and Joe accepts him. Joe talks to him about joining the crew of Bacchus 3 and Ken is hesitant. Then Joe laughs and just shouts “YOU’RE STUCK HERE!” at him. Mood swings much?

Ken officially joins and says he’d like it. The leader of the Star Raider Lord Halkon tells Ken’s love of this and she is also Ken’s sister. Then she wanders a desert for a little while as she thinks of Ken. Joe talks to a guy about going on a next mission to help an ally of Earth. Ken flashbacks to his lady friend as they run through the desert. Ken spends some time with Tammy. We learn his lady was named Rita. Ken is rude to her and that scene was kinda pointless. His men call him on brining Ken along, aside from Rocky who has his suspicions. What follows is the greatest scene in the movie. Ken is walking through a train station and a forklift comes at him. He pushes it away and the theme music starts playing.

In the immortal words of the crew of the SoL, “This is the song written for the train chase, This is the chase: Rocky and Ken, He tried to kill me with a forklift! Ole!” Turns out it was Rocky who wanted to find out is Ken was a Star Raider. This is the song right after the train chase, This is the fight: Rocky and Ken, He tried to kill me with a forklift! Ole!” Joe comes in and stops the fight. We see a somewhat heartwarming scene of Joe talking to the grave of his wife and daughter. Rocky decides to officially join and they’re all happy I guess. They take off; go to the planet, and Rita goes to the same planet. Joe and Rocky leave to meet with the planet leader and the rest are ordered to stay. Ken leaves and Tammy makes the others stay. The leader talks to Joe and Rocky as Ken wanders the vaguely Arabic planet. Ken is approached by some of the soldiers and they give him a hard time. He then proceeds to beat their collective asses. He eventually gets arrested and thrown into jail. Joe contacts Ken via communicator disguised as a button.

One of the buttons is a bomb had he manages to blow his way out. He also rescues an officer of Caesar a planet that is attacking the one they are currently on and have a weapon that can level continents. The two of them escape and they manage to run off into a rocky mountain. Ken runs into Rita and because she still loves him she spares him. However in their talks they are ambushed and Rita is killed. Rita claims he killed her and he is distressed over it. The two get back on Bacchus 3. To Be Continue. Opening skit is Joel making the bots dress up as farm animals. Not funny. Invention exchange is Joel making a chair/xylophone, and Frank is nearly drowned by the Eye, Ear, Nose, and Throat Dropper (Medication multi tool). Then Jack Perkins introduces the episode! Next skit is hat party referencing the weird Wig Helmets the Star Raiders wear. They eventually make Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank jokes. Jack Perkins gets cattle prodded. Middle skit is Joel acting like Captain Joe and the bots are both Ken. Funny even if they’re just reenacting the scene. Next skit is Joel using Syd Field’s Screenplay Model to attempt explain the plot of Fugitive Alien. Eh. Last skit is Joel having a bunch of pins on his shirt like Ken’s. Eh. This episode hasn’t aged well for me. I used to adore it, but it just doesn’t hold up. The skits are hit or miss, the jokes kinda funny, and the forklift gag is amazing. The movie is very good and like Time of the Apes I would love it in original form (I have watched a few episodes and its good). Really just watch the shortened video of all the Forklift songs.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 8/10
Favorite Riff – Forklift Theme Song
Stinger – “AHAHAHAHA….you’re STUCK HERE!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-CV1Raacs4

A Bert I. Gordon film! Our film of the hour starts with military people driving down a road and a narrator talks about detonating a plutonium bomb. Our titular Colossal Man is normal sized and is hiding in trenches with some other men as the countdown hits zero, but it’s an Amazing Colossal Dud. The soldiers chat for a bit, but they hear a plane flying above them. The plane flies in circles then crashes near the bomb. Our Average Regular Man jumps out of the trench to save the pilot, but the bomb finally decided to explode. He survives, but has massive burns on his body so I assume this bomb sucks at mass murder. A woman asks a nurse how he’s doing, but gets no response. A reporter walks up to her and chats about it to her and we learn she’s his fiancé. They talk about how he should be dead, they were supposed to get married the same day, and that they met because she’s a crappy driver. The doctors pessimistically talk about how they can do nothing to help him and how he is gonna die in the morning.

The doctors continue to be pessimistic as his fiancé asks for confirmation. We get a shot of watching our Horrible Burned Man and we get a long shot of the doorframe as the doctors come to cut the bandages off. We see the man is perfectly fine. So now we see the bomb is worthless because it regenerates skin tissue! The fiancé is overjoyed! We finally learn the man’s name is Glen and we learned that he might have survived because of the bomb explosion. They watch a recording of the bomb and it destroys a model home then we see the burning of Glen. Someone visits the fiancé and tells her that she won’t be able to visit Glen. When she asks why he just says it was classified. Well that scene had a load of purpose. She goes anyway to see him, but he’s gone. We then learn her name is Carol when she asks about his whereabouts. She doesn’t learn his new local and ask about the doctor who treated him. So Carol looks through the records and runs off. She drives to a military hospital and they let her pass. They say he isn’t here, but she keeps going anyway and just starts trying doors. She hears the doctor and another man talking about Glen and she sneaks by when they leave. She sees that Glen grew at least triple his regular size, screams, and then faints. They explain that the government wanted to keep hush, hush on the growing man. He gives some scientific explanation that the body just keeps growing and renewing while the old cells refuse to die. We see a flashback to Glen and Carol hanging out as the Korean War started. We see a plane crash and Glen’s war buddy getting stabbed in the back. Then we see another flashback of him kissing Carol and then a flashback of the bomb. He finally wakes up and inspects his tiny room. I’d hate to see his toilet. Glen obviously takes it poorly and they decide to move him into a tent. Carol talks to him for a while and he asks why he has to live with this. Then we see a news report of a man explaining stuff, then it just cuts away and we see the doctor holding a bunny. He stands over another doctor and they inject the bunny with stuff. I assume these are the bunnies from Night of the Lepus. Glen is shown talking to Carol and it’s a good thing they always give him bigger and bigger shorts.

He talks about the irony of his college yearbook saying he’ll reach the top. The doctor talks to her about how having her there is giving Glen troubles. They go back to the lab and we see Glen go to his new tent home. It certainly is roomy. They give him a tiny book and I’d love to imagine its BFG for irony. A man brings him food and Glen starts talking to him. He tries reading the paper and he starts laughing.

He gets mad at the prospect of living. Glen laughs a bunch then he convulses in pain. The doctor and Carol talk about science stuff and that his heart was growing much slower. He also says the heart is made up of only one cell. Crows response, “You’re not a real doctor are you?” Single cell heart this is insane. We see more data being pulled in real time and it’s as boring as it sounds. I’ll admit the soldier I forgot was in the background startled me. Then they start talking in a room with an elephant and camel. Carol visits Glen in the night and they chat for a bit before he convulses again. Glen apparently fled in the night and the other scientist found a cure in the bone marrow. Then we see an awful effect of a tiny elephant and camel. There’s also a giant needle ready for him. What I want to know is how the hell they lost a 50 foot man? They don’t find him. The doctor and a military guy chat about finding Glen and Carol walks in when they mention killing him. She gets upset and he says they’ll only shoot if he shows trouble. She tries to rationalize it, but they ignore her. Two people find Glen just sitting in the street and the alcoholic throws his bottle out the window. I’ll admit that type of joke does get a slight chuckle out of me. Carol gazes longingly out the window and we see the doctor and military dude chatting. Carol pops in and asks for progress. No progress. He just asks her to leave for good. There’s a military briefing and it’s only in here for long and boring paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Now we see a scene in LA and have a random news scene that is once again for some good old fashioned paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Glen stops in LA and everyone sees him and freak out. He looks in a window to see a woman bathing and he punches her window. Glen pulls a fake crown off a building and puts it back.

Is he gonna do the same with the giant high heel? He is…must I repeat myself? This entire last 15 minutes is slow and boring. Then a guy shoots him to liven up the mood I think. The helicopters finally find him and he stops by a dam. They inject him, but he throws it down the needle and it kills the military dude. He snatches up Carol and goes to the end of the dam. We see an awful shot of her in his hands and when he puts her down they shoot him a bunch and he falls off the dam and into the ravine. He has a hilarious fall and it abruptly ends. The intro skit is Joel trying to get Crow and Tom out of their cardboard hideout to do their chores. Kinda funny. Invention exchange is a plant that reviews music for the Mads and Joel’s is a non-permanent tattoo that can be drawn on a paper wax-board and changed for your newest girlfriend. Both were pretty funny. Next skit is Joel teaching the Bots how to be nice to a spouse when her fiancé is suffering from an awful injury. The Bots aren’t having any of this. Middle skit is Joel turns a 50 feet tall and the Bots ask him random questions. Joel gets mad at them for misunderstanding humans and crap. Not funny. Last skit is my ever so favorite joke ever. Glen WALKS up to the Satellite. It doesn’t start out that way. It starts with them chatting about what they’d ask him. Mike Nelson plays Glen and he brings a bit of snark to the role. He says he does minor giant bald guys role and he stops for a sec to eat a cow. They reference the Vegas scene that didn’t happen at this point. He then quotes the movie and has a heart convulsion. I’ll admit this one actually kinda funny. It got some chuckles out of me. Last skit is Joel and the bots talking about what they would have done in the LA scene. This episode was…eh. It had some funny moments, the sketches were mostly funny, and the person hanging out with the SoL was kinda funny. The movie itself has lots of problems with padding and the acting is kinda stilted sometimes. Carol irritated me a times due to how much he was butting into business when her husband might have had radiation poisoning. Also they should have scrapped that bomb. It regenerated a man and he grew to massive size! We don’t want to use that on our enemies! If the episode were on TV I wouldn’t turn it off.
Episode Rating – 6/10
Movie Rating – 2/10
Favorite Riff – (From the skits) “Think of it. You’re stranded in space, you’ll never see your family again, and when the orbit on the satellite decays you’ll be burnt to a crisp, but you never hear us talk about it when you’re around!” or (from the movie) ‘Well you’re a doctor, tell me!’ “No, no, no I’m only a vet.”
Stinger – Glenn cracks up and then convulses.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-w2Q0UkkDM
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgpv7_4uonQ

Back to Gamera. The pattern is we see a Japanese Sandy Frank for every even number until episode 318. We see a news crew talking about Gamera really, really fast. Then we cut to an expressway project. They need to force people of their farmland they won’t leave the land. There’s also an eruption going off. Then we’re introduced to our comic relief builders. They aren’t funny by the way. A plane flies over the volcano and a bunch of lasers come out of it. One hits the plane and makes a clean cut through the middle and it crashed into the volcano. The builders arrive and the farmers stop protesting them. A girl shows up and tells them to leave quickly. Going by previous movie logic she is from a group of wise people who know of the monster! Then a guy on a motorcycle goes up to the volcano and the men get to destroy the builder’s site and this is so they’ll pay them more of the land or they’ll just give up. The girl asks where her brother was and her grandma says he went off a while ago. Oh no….I have a strong sense that we are close to the little kid of the movie. We see the builders aren’t really put off by the destruction of their site. They just move on. Then we see a bright blue light from the mountain and a weird smell. The people suspect its gold and think that’s why the farmers wont give up the land. The guy on the motorcycle was a reporter and he sees the kid. Ugh… The kid is annoying and is slightly less annoying than Kenny. His name is Itchy (Really he should just be Kenny) so I guess his sister’s name is Scratchy.

They find the glowing room and they see Gaos. The reporter just kind of leaves the kid, which I find quite hilarious due to how annoying he is. Then Gaos eats him. Cut to the builders in the middle of the woods not hearing or seeing him. Gaos looks really cool. He’s a giant bat like monster and he has to drink blood.

It was his lasers that destroyed the plane. Then Gamera shows up and the two duke it out. Now the builders see the giant monsters as Gaos takes the kid and doesn’t eat him! The lasers hit Gamera and boy does he bleed. His arm never comes off, but he’s repeatedly getting slashed in the same spot.

Gamera saves the kid and knocks Gaos away with his fire before Gamera flies away with the kid oh his back. The kid does not fall off or die though. The lead builder helps them both down and the music is so sad. Like Gamera just got his ass whipped and he’s hurting like hell. The kid becomes famous for riding on Gamera’s back and seeing Gaos. He says that the laser cut Gamera’s leg, when it really cut his arm. He’s saying this at a goddamn MILITARY MEETING! Also the name is given by the kid because that’s what his roar sounds like his saying. Don’t hear it. They claim the laser is loud roar that is so loud it can slice through anything. They come to the conclusion that it can’t turn its head so they should attack from behind. Then Gaos comes by and they realize that the green light shows when Gaos is going to get hungry and is about to move. Gaos’ laser humorously slices through the planes perfectly, which is just plane funny (I hate myself for that, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity). The kid talks about how he wishes Gamera’s leg to be healed, but it was his ARM! Also we see the new way how these movies go by. We get the conflict, monster shows up, Gamera loses to said monster, military stuff, annoying kid stuff, maybe a rematch, more military, Gamera comes back and wins. Gaos came by in the middle of the night and ate all the livestock. I was about to make a joke about the cars effects being fake, but this time it was an actual toy car played with by the kid. Also his grandfather is Asian Wilford Brimley. The men leave when for the time being out of fear of the monster and a lack of work. Our hero and comic relief decide to stay. The kid comes down and says that Gaos only comes out at night, but any scientist worth his salt hired to watch Gaos would know this! They now plan to use bright lights to blind Gaos in the night. They light a bunch of fires and shine bright lights to blind and distract Gaos. They wake up and fire off some signals and bright slares. They open fire of Gaos when he should be blinded and they bullets and misses just kind of bounce off him. He also shoots massive windstorms with his wings. Gaos is just the Batman of monsters. He attacks a city and it is funny how he slices a pagoda and train in half. Gaos then eats a bunch of people.

Gaos flies off when everyone turns the lights on. Then we see a hilarious shot of Gaos slicing the car in half and it just keeps going. Gamera shows up for a rematch and we still have 35 minutes left so you know how well this goes. They spend most of their time in the air and Gaos’s laser don’t do anything to his shell, but Goas sends him flying to the ocean and he wins again. The sun starts to rise so Gaos tries to flee, but Gamera has his foot in his mouth so he does the logical thing and slices his foot off. Gamera was also hit in the face by the lasers. That must hurt. The military dudes recover the foot and they start to study it. The foot was bigger and they see it was smaller when they got it to the lab. Gaos also regenerates any lost limbs. Kick ass. Sounds like it hurts though. They have an idea that light makes Gaos grow weaker and shrink in size. They bounce ideas off their head and Itchy wants to talk to the military. They have the weirdest idea EVER. They get a giant bowl of blood for Gaos to drink, but then they have a giant platform to rotate at an extreme speed to make Gaos so dizzy he doesn’t realize its day. Just mix a crap ton of Jägermeister and he won’t be able to flap his wings! Then the men accept the offer to the bridge just as they don’t know about business yet. The villagers get pissed for a second, but there’s a goddamn GIANT BAT MONSTER! Time and place! Gaos falls for this and by god is it dumb. How long is the night? Or do they plan to have him spin for an entire six or eight hours? “Just one minute till the sunrises.” HOW LONG WAS HE THERE!? The spiny thing’s engines explode and he stops burning. Then he releases….Yellow gas out of his crotch area. Something that’s annoying is that in both this and Barugon they have a fantastic plan, but it just fails. Gamera shouldn’t be needed in these scenarios and he just happens ot have more screen time in this one due to the kid. Anyway back at the village they tell the old guy that he was demanding too much money for the land and that they decided to relocate the bridge. They are rightly pissed at him because they wanted to sell the land anyway and now they can’t. Then the kid runs out crying and calling them all greedy. Uh kid they just got done saying grandpa wanted more money. I think you’re in the wrong camp. The daughter asks them to forgive the grandfather and I guess she’s right in her approach. The kid says Gamera should have no problem beating Gaos (Yet he’s lost twice already) and that he should come by and kill all the dudes who were mean to grandpa. Ah the Children of Gamera cult rears its filthy, loud, annoying head once again. They burn down the valley and mountain drawing Gamera and Gaos out. The two duke it out some more and Gamera wins this time. During the fight Gaos almost slices Gamera’s tail off. This is just depressing how easily his ass get kicked by Gaos. Several times during the fight they almost destroy the main building with out heroes. Gamera gains the edge by throwing and easily removable rock in his mouth. Gamera bites his neck and he bleeds strawberry yogurt. He wins by grabbing Gaos and dragging him to a volcano. He dies as he burns in the sunlight and on the lava. Then they sell the land and the bridge shall be made. Everyone wins! Opening skit is the bots annoying Joel with raspy voices. Not funny. The Mads’ invention is Self-Image Printers (Franks is clown and Dr. F’s is Ms. Ohio) and Joel’s is Fax Machine-Kleenex Dispenses. Then while introducing the movie Frank becomes Gamera and Dr. F becomes Gaos. Next skit is Joel trying to show us how to make a Gaos costume. The bots just keep disrupting him however. Not funny. Next skit is just odd they’re shown to be doing a Die Walküre esk show, but…with Gamera. It’s only on for like a minute before commercial. This skit makes NO sense! Next skit is also dumb. It’s Joel in his Gaos costume spinning plates. Eh. Last skit is Joel and the bots talking about how stupid the blood dizzy plan. Episode wise this is the weakest of them all, but film wise this is the best “Gamera” movie. I still think if you cut Gamera of vs. Barugon it would be the best one as stand alone movie, but this one is good enough aside from the annoying kid. The jokes fall flat, the skits aren’t all that funny, and it was a bit of a snore fest considering this is A: the third Gamera movie and B: the fourth Sandy Frank movie. I promise the next SF movie is the best one of all, but when it comes to Gamera. It’s all down hill from here. I’d skip this one.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating –6/10
Favorite Riff – “He threw these models? They were in the last scene!”
Stinger – The comic relief guys make weird faces.
Alternate Stinger – Gaos slicing the car in half.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLx65N0U4kg
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vL1GEK60f4

First the short. First one we’ve had in a long time. Just listing off the alphabet and random things for the letters. Okay the Santa Cat was cute. They also pick stupid things like H – Holland, I – In, L – Large, N – Nursery Stories, O – One (Quoth Tom – “O is for the Obscene treatment of animals!), Q – Queer, Queer Pelican, T – Trying, U – Up, W – Walking, and Y – You/ng. But then again my alphabet consists of W – Wizard, N – Necromancy, V – Violence, Z – Zealots, and P – Pneumonia. Now the movie.
John Willaim’s first movie. Same guy who did the score of Star Wars and Indiana Jones…did Daddy-O. Well they have to start somewhere. At least the movie will have a good soundtrack. Our main character is a truck driver, but a reckless driver cuts him off and traffic goes array. They constantly cut each other off and when they park he pulls the driver out to see a girl. The girl makes up a lie about him being an obnoxious ass and trying to hit on her and these three dudes buy it! This already hurts…Then we see our hero in a club with his buddies. One of the dudes is very quiet and not interacting with them. Then the girl from before walks in. Our main Phil is not pleased. Then Phil starts singing as our villains walk in. His singing is okay. However our villains and future love interest/lady I already hate are impressed.
That face is so slap able
The quiet kid is more nervous now and the villains look over to them and ask the bar tender what Phil’s job is. Everyone talks for a bit and it’s very, very boring. The only thing of relevance is the quiet kid gives Phil a key. Our leads go our to have a drag race and the girl cheats and wins. By cheats I mean she almost shoves him off a cliff, but into a car and he loses his truck-driving job. Swell. I couldn’t care less about what’s going on now. The quiet kid drives off and our villains run him off the road and he dies. By runs off the road I mean the editing makes the car fall of a cliff and burst into flames. I just don’t like anyone Phil is dull and I just want to slap the main girl. The editing is GOD AWFUL! The cuts are just flat out awful and the editing is shotty at best. The cops show up and arrest Phil for almost hitting the guy’s car. This is the 50’s I’d have smacked her. He’s also charged for killing the quiet kid. He is let go of the charge of manslaughter is released, but he still loses his license and job. The cop offers Phil a job at the station. He believes the girl (I think her name is Janet) killed the guy (maybe named Sonny). He breaks into her house to see if she did it and sees her car damaged. She admits she didn’t kill him because it would have had more damage on it. We learn the key is for Phil’s gym locker and the guy in charge of the gym Bruce won’t let him clean of the locker. He gives the key over to Bruce when he doesn’t let him leave. This won’t end well. The two go back and for some reason the two are partners in crime…I guess just because of the fact that eh can’t drive. Phil is also less stealthy than a giant in chainmail. Also the shot is almost as dark than the Tomb of Giants. Bruce and the fat villain open up the locker and they pull out his jockstraps and they pull out a book. Bruce turns on the shower and barely misses seeing out heroes.

Fantastic. Our duo looks inside the locker and Phil wisely says, “Whatever it is. We missed it!” He says this, moments after they see them open up the locker and pull stuff out and don’t put it back. Genius. They also think a cigar cylinder is a clue…that he smokes a cigar. We abruptly cut to the next scene where the fat guy gives him a job. We don’t even get to hear the job proposal the scene just cuts. Then footage of driving. I can’t believe I’m saying that I miss the annoying Gamera kids. We see BY GOD NO! I DON’T WANT TO SEE THE FAT GUY GETTING MASSAGE MOMENTS AFTER HE GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER, WHILE IN A TOGA! They need someone to make the deliveries so why don’t they get some other guy who’s not suspicious of them to drive the damn cars. Fats gives Phil a car to sweeten the deal. Phil takes the job and starts singing under the pseudonym of Daddy-O. Janet breaks into his house this time to apologize for being a b- no to admit she loves him for some reason. They make-out for a second and cutaway to post sex afterglow conversations. Janet gets a job as cigarette girl so she can be closer to him and to help investigate. However she acts like a frigid b___ to him. More terrible singing later he kisses some other girl.

Then Fats has Phil drive and deliver a package from Mexico. How does this not tip him off that he is doing massively illegal things. He takes the job and he has to stop and throws it out the window. Cut back and I guess it went off without a hitch. He wins Fats’ approval and Bruce gets jealous I guess. Also he has to use a pseudonym for his pseudonym. He another job for them and almost gets caught. This would be so tense if I actually cared. He gets shoved a car by a dude with a gun and they drive off. He’s interrogated and beaten up over money that Fats stole. Still don’t care. They return and throw Phil out of the car and he talks with Janet. Why don’t we call the cops? Oh right so that good cop doesn’t see him beat up. Then says they should call the cops. The delivery was dope and Sonny was given $5000 when he double-crossed Fats. Fats meets with some dudes and Bruce catches the duo. Phil makes one last deal and has Phil get some money. Bruce tells him to stop and get out so he can drive to Mexico, but Bruce quickly gets his ass kicked without his glasses or gun. Instead of shooting Janet he tries to suffocate her by throwing her in the steam room tries to suffocate her. Instead of just shooting him he lets Phil run off. Bruce SOMEHOW gets back to the base and gets new glasses, then releases Janet so she could drive him to Mexico. What follows is a long and boring of three minutes of people driving, looking around, and pushing stuff. In the end Bruce is arrested, Janet is saved, Fats is knocked out, and everyone meeting up somehow. All with very, very, very bad editing. The end.
Opening skit is Joel and bots chilling out at the water cooler. Kind of nice to see them relaxing and joking around. Invention exchange is air freshener mobile for nurseries and the Mads’ is the Alien Teething Nook, which is a facehugger. Eh. Next skit is the Pants Up Song. Somewhat funny. Middle skit is Tom and Crow reenacting the race from the movie only with more casualties. Not funny. Next up we have a stupid skit about spit takes and NO! NO! NO! NO! *Deeply sighs in rage* Bruce from the movie pulls up next to the SoL and chats for a bit before leaving! You know my feeling about this already. They replay the “want some” scene where Phil slaps a fruit out of Janet’s hand. They read a bunch of letters and it ends. The episode is not funny and the movie sucks. All I can say is that it didn’t feel all that long. I just went by. I don’t like these kinds of movies solely because I don’t like any of the characters or the story. This is just not my kind of movie and the editing is so god-awful. The music sucks, but really it’s his first so he’s forgiven. Skip it.
Episode Rating – 2/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “P is for PEDA who protesting this!”
Stinger – Bruce being extremely unhelpful, “Couldn’t help ya if I wanted to, fella. Gym policy.”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bk1h_pCbdM

I was honestly surprised that this episode wasn’t Gamera vs. Gaos, but hey it’s a break. This time it’s Japanese Planet of the Apes! No really. It was originally a 26 episode series that was converted to an hour and a half long movie. Fantastic idea. That certainly won’t include lots of plot holes and make no sense. The opening credits are just pictures of apes. Its admittedly kind of funny. Then we get out view of one of our heroes. The awfully dubbed Japanese child named Johnny. Then his friend Caroline shows up and as she and Johnny are about to leave and earthquake happens. It passes quickly, but when his mother says its to dangerous. Johnny simply says, “I don’t care.” They run off with his parents not caring either I guess. They get driven to a science place and they meet the doctor lady Kathryn.

They talk about Cryosleep experiments and are allowed to walk right into places. We see some science stuff and we see an animal get unfrozen. They talk about how a human was frozen and they reversed the aging process so he might wake up healthier than when he died. Huh. The trio goes to a room with human pods. Kathryn asks Johnny not to touch anything, but he does. Johnny goes inside one and an earthquake/volcanic eruption sends them all in pods putting them all to sleep for many years. They wake up in the future and see APES! Well after wandering for a little bit. Several slam zooms later they run from the apes. They get captured by the Ape Cops and hare tied to a tree. An ape guard feels their hair and we see our evil ape that wears cowboy boots. They blindfold the humans and bring the to a cliff. I believe them throw them off the cliffs. Saves bullets I guess. No they bring them to a quarry and untie their bonds. They run off into the quarry and into a forest avoiding bullets. Would have been easier by shooting them when they got to the quarry. The apes can also speak English. The trio crawls across the bottom of a bridge to reach the other side. They find a house and break inside it to find a young ape living inside. They can’t stay for long because people come to chase them out. They young ape let’s the out the back door and they flee into the wood, which the apes don’t go across.

I guess Barugon lives there and they don’t want the opal stolen. Knowing Planet of the Apes a thousand years did indeed pass. We see the evil ape talking to his boss and the forest (Green Mountain) has a human who lives up there that fights against the apes. Johnny falls down, but he’s fine. That scene was pointless. The boss says he’ll kill everyone if they don’t get out heroes. As our heroes travel they find barbwire fences and Johnny is almost killed by spike traps. They also run into a falling rock trap and a net trap. The trio meets the human who set up all the traps. Now they can be a family. They explain the story to him and ask where they are. We hear the man’s name is Godo and he lives in a cave. He says it’s much safer on the mountain because the apes never bother him. Also Caroline is his sister…I just learned that! He also comments about a wound that isn’t there and torn clothes that aren’t torn. The apes try to traverse the mountain, but more traps hit them and when they flee the villain hits them with his rapier of electricity. I like the villain already. The ape kid who helped them before runs up the mountain and a UFO chases him. Japan makes the weirdest stuff… Anyway our heroes are eating and wearing new clothes as Godo shaves his awesome beard. That ape kid works an informant for Godo and he announces the apes are burning down the forest. Godo repels them and kills a lot of the apes. Our heroes are flushed out due to the smoke. Godo runs back to save the little ape kid and they are all held at gunpoint by the other apes. They’re captured and about to executed. However the ape leader comes in and lets them go! When the villain tries to kill him the leader slaps him and Godo away. AND THE UFO IS BACK! WHAT IS GOING ON? Then the leader decides to take them away. This makes no sense! He drives them off into the wastes and stops at a city in the middle of a desert. Godo is brought to monkey jail and is hit in the balls with the butt of a rifle. That must hurt. The trio is allowed to live if they accept are good. Then the kid ape breaks in somehow and save Johnny. The villain sees Godo and monologues about how much he wants to kill Godo. Godo asks for the humans to live and he doesn’t shoot Godo immediately. Johnny jumps on top of him and Godo knocks him out. They trigger an alarm so the trio hides under a grating outside and someone must have seen them. They hop a car and disguise themselves as apes. No one seems to think they’re just a little bit suspicious. The apes interrogate Kathryn and Caroline, but they get no useful info. However we do see the UFO again. I guess it’s a surveillance ship. The good ape just walks through the main guards by saying his dad works there. The good ape sneaks them in with a straw cart and they fool a guard into helping them through by saying he’s tired. They steal a uniform for Godo and they break into the base and embrace in a tearful hug. Kathryn wants to stay here, but everyone else wants to leave and find more humans. Cut to The apes shooting at Godo and crew in front of a very, very fake backdrop. The apes want shoot the nuclear guns at the UFO, but it neutralizes all their weapons. They steal a truck and Johnny steals the keys to the other car. Now it really becomes apparent that it was a series before this. They bring up a group called UCOM and say they want to overthrow the ape overlords, but it has never been brought up before. Then we see an eye-patched ape that apparently betrayed them because he thinks the ape leader is weak. This was never brought up before! Also humans are called Naked Apes and the good ape is also a girl. Then when they leave her the scene ends like the end of an episode. The evil ape shows up to have his ending battle with Godo. I guess this is the last episode. We finally learn that the villain wants to kill Godo because he caused the death of his wife and child. They’re both out of ammo and the UFO arrives again. Also the UFO is shockingly huge! We see a flashback to the villain’s wife and son falling down a gentle slope. Godo actually tried to save them. The wife fell and the villain accidently shot his son when he thought it Godo did it. The leader comforts the villain and he is forgiven after he forgives Godo. Then I actually I assume he kills himself. The leader admits that rebellion shall end and he says they could stay. They decline, keep going, the leader wishes them well, and he grants them safe passage of weapons. The wander in the wastes for a while until they find a building and enter a building in some mountains. A flash of light hits them and Caroline wakes up in a white room. She wanders around and looks for everyone. She is chased by apes and if found by Kathryn before she faints. Some people walk up to them in shadows and we see that they are human. They were just in shock/hallucinating. Johnny was also fine and Godo is not there. I assumed it was a dream because they mentioned people dream in sleep, but then Kathryn finds Godo’s necklace that was never mentioned before. They actually do admit that the ape time actually happened and that Godo vanished. He was sent to another time period, but we only see him wandering in a desert. The end. That sure was fun. Opening skit is Joel and the bots playing baseball on the Satellite of Love. However they break a hole in their hull. Joel’s invention is a cellulite phone that helps people diet somehow. The Mads is a Miracle Baby Growth Formula. Works a bit too well. Neither was that funny. Franks reactions are funny though. Next skit is great. Tom explains why Johnny doesn’t care. He goes into dark explanations and how no one stays long in Johnny’s world and that his mind is terrible thing to release to the world. Goddamn hilarious. Next skit is an interpretation of the Scopes Monkey Trial. It has its very funny moments, but it lacks a lot of focus. Next skit is Crow looking at the fashions of the movie. Surprisingly funny. We also see footage we never actually saw. Last skit is the Sandy Frank Song. It’s sort of funny, but they did it too early and it’s very simplistic. The last Sandy Frank movie is Star Force: Fugitive Alien II and they should have done it then. They could have brought in the entire cast of Gamera monster and sing about how they tried to kill him with a forklift. This movie is fun, but god damn is it dull at times. The slam zoom cuts are absolutely hilarious and the editing is random at best. The cinematography is very shaky for some reason. A comical thing in this movie is how stupid all the guards are. They just let people walk through their bases, don’t see through disguises, are massive cowards, have no peripheral vision, stand around a lot, and barely ever fire their guns. The music is very weird at times too. It’s plays odd pop, jazz, and very goofy music sometimes. There’s a lot plot holes and I really think it works better in the full show. The skits are very funny and the riffs are top notch. I highly recommend it!
Episode Rating – 10/10
Movie Rating – 5/10
Favorite Riff – “Hey you kids behave or I’m turning this plot around!” & every time they say “I don’t care!” Or a variation of “Fling crap!”
Stinger – “Johnny, don’t go. It’s too dangerous.” “I don’t care!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql61L4TgQg8