Short up first. We see bad posture and the four important things. Good health, staying awake, the habit of good posture, and the way you look. The “teacher” (all of this is said by the narrator) says that after the next posture test she will crown a King, Queen, Prince, and Princess of posture. Really? A first and second place for both genders? Why not do four equal titles and just say the four best? King/Queen, Emperor/Empress, Khan, and Pope of Posture. Even then why not give the 1st place King/Queen and give the other the minor lord titles of Duke/Duchess, Baron/ess, and Marquess/Marchioness? You know what. If I was around in the 50s and asked there questions I’d be accused of being a Communist. Much like how in the 60s & 70s I’d have been a hippie. Our four children Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Marie are disappointed to see their posture sucks. The teacher offers them help shows them how to stand and sit straight. We see the kids montage at home and one of the girls has a creepy clown doll she takes advice from. They all look like Hitchcock behind the white drop. Also this is a democratic class that votes for posture nobility. Our “characters” obviously win and we see the “The End” card. So does this have any perks other than bragging rights? Anyway next short!
Now we have another main character named Tommy. He wonders why his bed is clean despite it being messy. Unbelievable. His clothes being mended in the closest. I can buy it. The table being cleared when he was gone? Okay he’s an idiot for not knowing this. He’s like 6 and I knew parents cleaned stuff when I was 6! We see his swell parents! His dad gives him an allowance and mother gets her’s too. He gets like ten cents for an allowance and when he thinks to ask for more. He looks and sees that his parents are cleaning up and listens to his parents about how they did everything. I can bullcrap cause my room was a mess until I cleaned it! Hell it’s still a mess! After listening to the whole thing Tommy goes back upstairs and reconsiders. Nope he’s still a kid. Actually judging by that he’s part of the football team he might be older. Cut to a week later and we see Tommy being a swell kid by fixing his stuff and having a nice room. My room was always messy, but I call it organized clutter. We see the kid helping his parents. I offer frequently and always told no. And at the end of it all Tommy got an allowance raise. The End!
Onto the film and it stars John Carradine, Tor Johnson, and the gorgeous Allison Hayes of “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” fame. Hopefully she’s in it for more than two minutes! Still a tad bitter. An old man named Loren brings Grace (Allison) and she meets Dr. Charles Conway (Carradine), Lobo (Tor), and the assistant Dr. Sharon (Marilyn Buferd). After she leaves the two men discuss that they threw her stuff floating down the bay to fake her suicide because she’s depressed. They go down and see Conway’s last experiment done on a man named Harry. He’s now a human vegetable. His mouth twitched several times. I don’t know if that was a flaw or not, but I’ll say it was a flaw. He can’t move on his own. After a bunch of talking Tor brought man inside who was lost in the rain. He turns out to be a killer and Conway promises to hold him if he participates in his experiment. Without many options he stays. In the morning we see Danny a man with anger issues and Natalie a girl on the verge of a nervous break down. They argue like a married couple. Natalie is happy to meet Frank (killer). Danny is annoying as all hell and Frank is not taking with any of his bullcrap. The assistant takes him away and Conway sedates him. So we hear Conway talking about how he’s stealing the youth of people to live more than a thousand years. He gives this answer to someone I think is Frank. I’d take him up on it! The only thing I’d ask is that if something goes wrong and I turn into a quivering sack of skin that someone should kill me. We see Grace and Natalie is conservative bikinis and Frank chats with Grace. Natalie goes over to the house to talk with Conway. We see the assistant checking Harry and I think he’s either awful at being dead or he can move slightly. Once again I assume the former. Conway speaks with Loren about Harry’s sister and he say to make out his death certificate. Conway says she is going to do her last test and she’ll be fine. She is sedated and Tor moves her to bed operating room. Now we see the best line in the movie. Tor Johnson utters the immortal words, “Time for go to bed!” It’s the little things that keep me going. Frank goes into Natalie’s room and we see the surgery. Frank voices his opinions to Grace and she struggles to believe him.
The surgery ends up failing though. Her skin is severely burned, but it looks like she’s missing her face. To get her away from Frank, Conway tells Grace that Frank is dangerous and violent. The assistant gets jealous of Grace for some reason and when she says they should do the next experiment on her now. He says no and it makes sense! The last time you tried (a few hours ago!) it failed miserably. Frank wanders the house and Crow snarks “My Dinner with Andre had more locations than this!” Frank finds Grace and shows her Natalie.
Cut back to them walking. This movie is just 40% boring dialog, 40% walking, and 20% watching people do stuff. Harry is going to be buried, but Frank opens the casket and he slips out without Tor knowing and he buries an empty casket. Now I know if they were mistakes or him actually moving! Also we see Danny after a LONG time. Frank gives him the info dump and the three plan to leave in the middle of the night. Guess what? More walking. The doctor is “shocked” as they all try to escape and Conway begins to set up experimentation on her. They gave Tor a gun when he could have easily crushed them with his hands. They easily subdue him and Danny was shot. He has no wound however. Conway shuts of the lights with a button on the table and runs off. Also turns out Frank isn’t a murderer, but actually an undercover cop. That honestly caught me off guard. Harry kills Conway and Tor kills Harry. They somehow arrest Tor and the assistant. Grace is saved and they find Danny dead and a bunch of sub humans made by Conway’s experiments. Tor’s son is among one of those guys. Are these the Unearthly? WHY WAS THIS CALLED THE UNEARTHLY!? The End!!!!
In the opening the SOL crew decides to make an entry for America’s Goofiest Home Videos. It ends why Crow on fire. That’s always funny. Funny cause Josh Weinstein (Old Tom Servo) worked for America’s Funniest Home Videos. For the invention Exchange it’s pills that are hard to swallow for the Mads (you mean Horse Pills?) and the SOL crew made random celebrity products. In all actuality they are the size of horse pills and have three pronged fishhooks, one has a gerbil, one is 105 pills that get bigger the long you swallow, and life size cartoon vitamins. The Mad’s are amazing. The products are the Emilo Esta-Pezz, Jackie Mason-Jar, Jimmy JJ Walker, and the Charlie Michaelis Masager. Not as funny. After the skits Tom and Crow learn how to appreciate Gypsy. However quickly degrades into the two of them hurling abuse at the other for doing so little. That was funny. Gypsy also accidently breaks the buttons at the end. Why did they leave that in? Next is the SOL crew does a tribute, “The Many Faces of Tor Johnson”. He has the emotions of anger, tenderness, bemusement, and heartbreak (same as tenderness). We see a bunch of fake images. Including all the roles is 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. This was fun. The Bots make up their own board game out of the leftovers from other board games, and model it after the twisted house from the film. Clever idea. This has a bunch of rules that leads to losing turn and no one playing. This got funny real fast. “The player’s who lose a turn lose a turn.” Not to self. Never play a board game with Joel. In the end they read a letter with an impression of the Dead End Kids. Dumb.
The reason I was making all those comparisons to my life is because it said to appreciate my parents. I do and when it gave examples I gave my counter argument. Sure it was the 50s, but it had to stand the test of time. It is “film”. The shorts sucked and the movie was downright awful. The dialog was dull, most of it was walking around, and most of the acting was VERY stilted. You know you’re in for a bad trip when TOR JOHNSON is the 2nd best thing in the movie. Even Alliosn Hayes has barely anything to work with. The episode had some funny bits, but I wouldn’t seek it out. If it were on TV I wouldn’t turn it off.
Episode Rating – 4/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “Dad pulls the lever at the big house.”, ‘How could this happen? I took every precaution!’ “I washed my hands…Medical School! That’s what I forgot! Medical school!”, Tor pets Dog “Daw, kitty!”
Stinger – “Time for go to bed!”
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5GN5_p6ti4
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-wfxOMvR2o